Sunday, October 29, 2006

Old People

At a retirement center, a group of seniors were
sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this
cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad
I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my
hands are so crippled," volunteered another.

An elderly lady across the room shouted, "What? Speak up!
What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said
a fifth person, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"Sometimes I forget where I am and other times I
forget where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one old woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive!"

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Married Couple

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

new battery

An elderly couple was attending church services and about half way

through, the wife leans over and says to her husband.....

"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

the Priest; the confessional and the young woman

Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

SMART ASS ANSWER

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Texas Preacher

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said...........


" Hello, Darlin!! "

Canadian joke

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada .

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver , says,"My answer is, there is no answer."

The second, from Toronto , says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

trying Viagra

A Newfoundland woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to
ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.
”What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even
take an aspirin.

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He

won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went"

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh J aysus M ary and J oseph, doctor,
twas horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard
de effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with
a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce!

With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn't
he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me
on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed , 'twas the best
sex I had in 25 years. But, oh me son, I'll never be able to show me
face in Tim Horton's ever again!"

Saturday, October 21, 2006

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?

"The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are These for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO For Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh! and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for Married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc

Thursday, October 19, 2006

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house and has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

George Bush and the Devil

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.


"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got
3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.
Once you choose it is your final answer".

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was John Howard and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.



George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can definitely handle this".

"The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"

proof of insurance AND registration

A City lawyer ran a stop sign on a rural Texas road and was immediately pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thought that he was far smarter than any deputy in a cowboy hat, and was certain that his education exceeded that of a South Texas deputy. So, in anal retentive fashion, he decided to prove this to himself and have some fun, at the ignorant deputy's expense.

The Deputy: said, "Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please."

Lawyer: "What for?"

Deputy: "You failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer: "For your information, I slowed down, looked and no one was coming."

Deputy: "You still failed to stop completely. Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please."

Lawyer: (with a smirk) "What's the difference, cowboy?"

Deputy: "The difference is you must stop completely. It is Texas law. Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please!"

Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license, proof of insurance AND registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."

Deputy: "Fair enough. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At that point, the deputy removed his night stick from its holster, and began beating the crap out of the surly lawyer.





Deputy: "Do you want me to stop...or slow down?"

A Letter to Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing's, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John

P. S: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home......

Taking it with you

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money in a shoe box, and was a real miser. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to swear on a stack of bibles that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, of course, he ups and dies.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and a close friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Please wait just a minute!"
She approached the casket with a shoe box she had brought with her and put it in the casket. The undertaker closed and locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with you husband, were you?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
bank account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can have it."

Dear Kotex:

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell ... but go ahead ... I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya ... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating...sleeping...bitching or crying for no apparent reason ... and oh ... does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right where the sun doesn't shine!

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!

An irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, right between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come

Monday, October 16, 2006

Three men are in a bar

Three men are in a bar sitting and staring at the guy at the other table...an Irishman, an Englishman, and a Newfie They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly, the Irishman cried out, "I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus," he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you"


The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'yafigger you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.



Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! The arthritis is gone,"

he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone.

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove,"
he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face.

"Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers' Compensation."

Friday, October 13, 2006

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance
--particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I
do?

Signed, Desperate
--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please
enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html"
and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the
Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewelry
2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the
above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it
runs a virus in the background that will eventually
seize control of all your system resources). Also, do
not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Religon and Bears

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages on his body and
limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the
woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began
to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled
him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him
first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction
with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been
the best way to start."

Monday, October 09, 2006

Bob

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week
bowling and plays golf every Saturday.*
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.*
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya
doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."*
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his
usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"*
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I
always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms
around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?"*
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none
of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every 4 letter word in the book.*
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a
real bi&%h this time."*

Sunday, October 08, 2006

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk..............
sh*t on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Smart ass answers

#1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

"Smart-ass Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.



Smart-ass Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



Smart-ass Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.



"Smart-ass #5 [the best for last!] THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Monday, October 02, 2006

Laid Off In Kentucky

BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN AN KENTUCKY CLOTHING FACTORY
AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW
ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"..... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY
STITCHER" AND IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM
DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.

SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS
LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....

WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE
OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......THE
CLERK EXPLAINED, "PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE
SKILLED LABOR"

"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND
RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't
have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in
my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as
my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture
in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the
TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to
open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello,
son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom
bangin' her boyfriend."

Grandma's minister fainted.