Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Forget Rednecks... Here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say

Forget Rednecks... Here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians during a recent appearance at Caesar's in Windsor:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, you're going 95 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada
If you know all 4 seasons: "Almost winter", "Winter", "Still winter" and "Road construction", you may live in Canada.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada. 



The blond paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Make up your mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"


Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "'re the first vun!
No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ...
still in DA CRATE!"


 One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, 

Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Tippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip,
I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to 
the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'


 Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah
 I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.


 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
 cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
 and doesn't lie to you.

 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
 and likes to be with you.

 5. It's very, very important that these four women
 do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Joke of the year !!

Two women were sitting quietly together,   
 minding their own business.

Finally a cure for Plumber's Butt...

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking down a path in the forest, when she comes across the big bad wolf crouched behind a log. "oh Mr. Wolf what big eyes you have" she said. The big bad wolf jumped up and ran away. She shrugged and continued on her way. A little while later she came across him again this time crouched behind some bushes "oh Mr. wolf what big ears you have" he jumped up and ran away again. "What the hell!" said little red. she continued on her way. About a mile further in she again came across the wolf crouching behind a boulder. "Oh Mr. Wolf what big teeth you have" she exclaimed. The wolf jumped up and yelled "Damn it lady I'm trying to shit!"

Just Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Chihuahua Plays with English Mastiff

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
...The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Slips of the tongue

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres  ever aired on TV and radio 

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing  Commentator 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode  her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator  
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson  comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting  commentator 
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw  her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4.  Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977  
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the  Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford  crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator 
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is  playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes  out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have  I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food  in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 
'You'd  eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news  anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and  didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 
'So Bob,  where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' 
Not  only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,  because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder  covering the US Masters: 
'Ballesteros felt much better  today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking  about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 
'There's  nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like  this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker  shots on Sky Sports: 
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve  Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael  Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male  astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage  remarked: 
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing  each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.  Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie  Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:  'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he  prefers to do it by himself.'

multable jokes

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I  converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did
... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

3. Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better
stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it
for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It
provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato
Crisps, the lot.."

6. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.

7. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is
piling up!"

8. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would
like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been

9. My wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes

10.  I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good

11. There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center,
but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the
bomber jackets.

12. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden
hose only reaches to the driveway.

Joke with a moral...

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with   queenly large breasts.  

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.    
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 

  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
  Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
  The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
  The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the  antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.  

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
  Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.  With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. 
  The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick . . .  

The moral of the story - Pay your  bills.    

Fridge Not Working

The other day, my wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Dad’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. 

Not sure what she was talking about.

A Groaner

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
As yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink
Containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked
Magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".


My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the kind-hearted Redneck I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again.

funny about Harley Davidsons

Newfoundland Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life,
an old fella decided it was time to visit St. John's.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder!'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it
in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would
go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So dat's de ugly bitch he's
runnin' around wit'.

Bottle of Merlot......... PRICELESS !

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.  Just send the wine back.'

75-year-old man

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that". "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it" he replied.