Monday, October 29, 2012

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.' One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. Sincerely, this....

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive. She then asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto.' The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. The next night as she walked past Franks room she saw the same thing. , Again she asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto, it's a two day trip you know!' The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in. She saw Bill pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Bill, what are you doing?' Bill replied, 'I'm dancing with Franks wife, he's gone to Toronto for a couple of days...'.

Saturday, October 27, 2012


Your first Halloween message.

Happy Halloween
Halloween is coming!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him






He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping




on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

  At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Chicago, they  have  weekly  husbands'
          marriage  seminars.

          At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
          approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
          some insight into how he  had managed to stay married to the same   woman   all
          these years.

          Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treata
          her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all dis, I tooka her to
          Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

          The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
          husbands here!    Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
          for your 50th anniversary?'

          Giuseppe proudly replied,  "I gonna go picka her up."

Friday, October 26, 2012

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00
 A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said.  "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.

5 of 116 Why this ad? Official PowerFrame® Site - - For True Strength, Always Suggest a Car Battery with a PowerFrame® Logo Print all In new window : New Candidate. Inbox x Fred Roth Oct 20 (4 days ago) to undisclosed recipients .....hopefully he will run for Office. He appears, to have what most current politicians lack.


GOOD ONE !!!!!! ... (For All Of Us Over Fifty)
Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Canadian Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the  ground
several yards ahead of him.

  He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

  He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

  She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge  and a dull grey dress.

  There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked  behind  one
ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I  work....You have  
three wishes.'

  'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust  a
Revenue Canada genie.'

  'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks  like
you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and  drink.'


  The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

  'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

  'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

  ** *POOF***

  The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare 
gold coins and precious gems.

  'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

  After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no  
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'


  He was turned into a tampon.

  Moral of the story:

If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Moral of This Story is....BRILLIANT!!!!

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,


'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,


'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....


A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'


A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)


'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'


The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...


The bear grabs the fish...



The hunter shoots the bear..



The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...


The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,


Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

running shoes

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I Rest My Case

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Case closed.

You had a bad day?... I don't think so.

Drafting Guys Over 60

I am all for it, imagine, live targets. Drafting Guys Over 60 This is funny & obviously written by a vet New direction for any war: Send service vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unituntil you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing somefanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends. It's in big type so they can read it.

Three mice go drinking

Three mice are sitting in a bar having drinks. They all order a shot of whiskey together and are thinking of something to drink to.
The first mouse says, "I'm so fucking hard core the first thing I do when I go home every night is find a pill of rat poison, grind it up, and use it to season all my food" while showing off all of his chest hair. He slams his shot
The second mouse says, as he flexes to show off "that's pretty hard core, but the first thing I do when I get home every night is find a mouse trap, step on it to set it off and catch the bar as it comes down. I do a few reps of ten before I eat the cheese" . He slams his shot
The third mouse rolls his eyes, takes his shot and says "Man I don't have time for this shit. I have to go fuck my cat"