Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

???

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Monday, December 29, 2008

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Sunday, December 28, 2008

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN......

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah
Winfrey.

Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it...

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it
with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't
believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up
in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman
she stole my wallet!"

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
five├»¿½
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS...

Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Smart Add Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 --

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.



Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
___________________________________________________________


SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
___________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR --

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and is snickering.



When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

____________________________________________________________________
Two bonus extras:



A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
___________________________________________________________

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....

Sunday, December 21, 2008

New Wepons in Irac

I can give you at least one
reason why it is important to
learn English when you live in Canada.....

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

Friday, December 19, 2008

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'

Thursday, December 18, 2008

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.

THe Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree..

Sunday, December 14, 2008



This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The 7 Dwarfs

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a ; ; ; moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

HONEY MOON SURPRISE...

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...







Smallcox?"

only in the south

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the JFK airport.

The first lady was an arrogant New York woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the New York woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh Good Lord! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?'"

of a hunting we go

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go
hunting, so he approached his assistant 'Garge, I am going
hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want
you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my
patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answered Garge.

The doctor went hunting and returned the following day and
asked: 'So, Garge, How was your day?'

Garge told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo Mate, and the second one?' asked the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir.'

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third
one?' asked The doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here when suddenly the door opens and a
woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking
off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down
on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For
five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?' asked
the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Merry CHRISTMAS.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Another of Einstein's Theories...

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as...



Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this shit....
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

A Cristmas to rember

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,.... No
one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and
proclaims, . 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help and he said , ...... 'Screw the Preacher!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Birthday Reminder

This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the
Whte House on her hands and knees, and putting everything
in her mouth.


They grow up so fast, don't they?

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Seniors - don't mess with them.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his m outh when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Another good one for the golfers!!

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Sunday, December 07, 2008

And that's how the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started...

And that's how the fight started......

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started......

And that's how the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.....

Five rules for men. (Remember them well)

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Friday, December 05, 2008

A small boy wrote to Santa :

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:
'Send me your mother...'

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Funny as all get out

Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions..

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Lord, They're Finally Together

She married and had 13 children.Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finallydied after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they 're finally together.'One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?' The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

Market Reaserch

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

#10 -- "Scattered F___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

# 9 - "How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC

# 8 - "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1568

# 7 - "Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

# 6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

# 5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhardt, 1937

# 4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938

# 3 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head!" - JFK, 1963

# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997

Thank you "Biker Hen" for this joke