Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Electric fence and the lawnmore

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Mistress....

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

Teacher with no sense of humor

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

another rabbit

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got a FUCKING rabbit at home.

UCLA STUDY (very interesting)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Scotsman and baseball

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming, "Run"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins
screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard,

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come

back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ...
Marion "
"Is that you, Jack ?"
"Yes, I ' ve come
back like we agreed."

"That ' s
wonderful! What ' s it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have

breakfast and then it ' s off to the golf course. I have
sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch
(you ' d be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it ' s
back to golf course again. Then it ' s more sex until
late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Jack are you in Heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

The Badge

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. And
Talks with the old ranch owner.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the
Authority of the Federal Government with me.
'Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his
Badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on
Any Land.
No questions asked, or explanations given. Have I made myself Clear?
Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer Running For his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the Bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws
Down his Tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!
Show him your fucking badge!'

Monday, June 07, 2010

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

baby skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at
the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death, can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

'But what about the smell?' she asked

He replied, 'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

It All Makes Sense Now: It’s always the parents fault!

On his death bed,
Earl Woods gave his son Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."

SEXUAL ADVICE A woman went to her doctor for advice..

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do" she said. ''Does it hurt you", he asked? "No. I rather like it!" ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think Gordon Campbell came from?"

'Brokeback Bar'

A Newfie walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the Newfie, "What's the name of your weewee?"
The Newfie says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"
The Newfie looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the Newfie asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty Newfie asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin'and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the Newfie turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Newfie has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the Newfie a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The Newfie says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

Friday, June 04, 2010

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.....!!!!

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up......!!!!"

Do you see Homer Simpson in this picture?

The Priest in a small Irish Village had a Rooster and ten Hens
He kept in the hen house behind the Church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the Cock was missing.

He knew about Cock Fights in
the Village, so he questioned
his Parishioners in Church.

During mass, he asked the Congregation,
'Has Anybody Got A Cock? '

All the men stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has Anybody Seen A Cock? '

All the Women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has Anybody Seen A Cock That
Doesn't Belong To Them? '

Half the Women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has Anybody Seen MY Cock? '
Sixteen Altar Boys, Two Priests
And A Goat Stood Up.

The Priest Fainted.


Old enough too......

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pull a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"
Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."
Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer!"

A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I
have a cigar Grandpa?"
Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little.
Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with milk and cookies.
Grandpa asks: "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"
The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Laughing, Gramps replies: "HELL Yes, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The little boy replies: "Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me!"

When U Black, U Black

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'

Soft Ball

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Thursday, June 03, 2010

The Tattooed Golf Player!

The Tattooed Golf Player!

This man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as golf player, Tiger Woods.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and he takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on Tour,
people will see my tattoo, and NIKE pays me heaps."
Then he takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says BUICK.
"What's that ?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the NIKE tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on Tour."

Then he drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
He replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"

"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!

Wednesday, June 02, 2010


Many of us 'Old Folks' ( WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3.. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins