Tuesday, November 22, 2011

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remem ber how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!" "Hello, knees.", he continued.. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

This is how a bacon cheeseburger is made.....

Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty." Mom fainted.

Is This Your Black Half Ton In My Parking Spot?

Funny Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock ! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra , Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Drinking in Billy Bob's

As I was standing in Billy Bob’s drinking my beer this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. I said to him, do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu? He says? “No, why the fluck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee”? No I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick".

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The new tattoo that women get in Europe, to protect themselves from Muslim men:

New Canadian Government Emblem

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Beaver to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

How to beat a DUI at 3 a.m.

Yep, that will do it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." The little old lady went home, picked up her dog and brought it back to the store. She was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." So........... Don't mess with old people.

Miss Kentucky Holding A Teddy Bear

Note: This is the new Miss Kentucky. The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life: Make-up and hair style ................... $500 New dress for the show ..................$700 Giant stuffed bear ............................ $300
Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand .....Priceless!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."


MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Bad Luck

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.’

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Another example of our troopers hard at work. God Bless 'em!

Traffic Stop North Carolina N.C. State Trooper: " Registration please Maam. " Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. " Trooper: " Look again. " Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! " Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. " Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box three times. My registration just isn't in there !! " Trooper: " Ma'am.....Please Check again ! " Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! " Trooper: Look again . . . ..

Cowboy purchase


The sign of A JOB WELL DONE

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

How to stop wives from smoking.

The scientists must have gone to a lot of trouble to work this one out. How to stop wives from smoking.