Monday, October 05, 2015

It's Best To Whisper

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
There are no dental records

Monday, September 28, 2015

road rage

The Harley & The Vaseline..

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a
'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one,
although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the
seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra,
invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says
anything during dinner has to do the
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room
is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of
dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure
enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to
take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her
breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her
clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of
her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her
dad is obviously livid and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but
no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a
great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the
table, pulls down her panties, and
screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is
boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to
ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of
thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls
the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!


It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
   We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface 
was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
USE BIRTH CONTROL.                                   
Money isn't everything,   but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed,   
skydiving is not for you.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.   
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you   .

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge   
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:  
At least we're not Mississippi.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow     and then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors .."
The reason Politicians try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have
to make a living under the laws they passed.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015


Purple Clover's photo.

The Importance of Walking

   Walking can add minutes to your life.
   This enables you at 85 years old
   To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
   Home at $4000 per month.
    My grandpa started walking
    Five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he's 97 years old
    And we don't know where he is.

    I like long walks,
    Especially when they are taken
    By people who annoy me.

    The only reason I would take up walking
    Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again

    I have to walk early in the morning,
    Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

    I joined a health club last year,
    Spent about 400 bucks.
    Haven't lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there.

    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    The advantage of exercising every day
    Is so when you die, they'll say,
    'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

   If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
   Start with a small country.

    I know I got a lot of exercise
    The last few years,......
    Just getting over the hill.

    We all get heavier as we get older,
    Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    Every time I start thinking too much
    about how I look,
    I just find a Happy Hour
    And by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Li'l Willy from Lanark

 A Lanark school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the
 expression "I presume".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand
 washed the dinner dishes
 And I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

 "Very good" said the teacher.

 Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of
> > the garage,
 I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

 "That's excellent" says the teacher.

 Little Willy at the back of the classroom gets up and says:
 "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house
 With a newspaper under his arm and headed for the woods, I presume that...

 The teacher interrupts him and says, "I stopped you because you have
 no idea what your grandfather
 Was going to do,so you can't presume anything."

 Willyy says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

 The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

 "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the woods with a
 newspaper under his arm.
 I presume he was going for a shit because he can't read."

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Blonde in Starbucks....              

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...


'W I N A B A G E L'

Two Old Veterans Talking Over Old Times

John asked Dayton, "Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war, to make us forget about women?"

Dayton replied, "I think you mean 'salt peter.'"

John:  "Yep, that's the stuff.  I think it's beginning  work!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

:Poorly Understood lawysicss

1   .   Law of Mechanical Repair       -   After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.   

   Law of Gravity     Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.   

   Law of Probability     The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.   

   Law of Random Numbers     If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.   

   Variation Law     If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.   

   Law of the Bath    -   When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.   

   Law of Close Encounters   -   The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.   

   Law of the Result     When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!   

   Law of Biomechanics         The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.   

10   .   Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.   

   The Coffee Law     As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.   

   Murphy's Law of Lockers     If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.   

   Law of Physical Surfaces   -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.   

   Law of Logical Argument   -   Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.   

       Law of Physical Appearance     If the clothes fit, they're ugly.   

   Law of Public Speaking   --   A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!   

   Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy   -  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!   

   Doctors' Law     If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!