Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Howmnotmto hang a deer

It's all about attitude and objectivity!

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Lil' Johnny: "I Want to be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson: And you, Tanya? "Ma'am, I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic...

An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? That woman is 84 years old, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

The Fence

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

Monday, November 05, 2012

Three surgeons

Three surgeons are talking about their favorite patients to operate on. The first starts: "I prefer mathematicians. When you open them up, everything is numbered for easy reference". The second continues: "I prefer electricians: everything is colour-coded". The last doctor says: "You guys have it all wrong, the best patients are lawyers: they're spineless, heartless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable"

*An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.*

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Sunday, November 04, 2012

McDonald's Fires Back

SEX AT 79

I just took a leaflet out of my mail box, informing me that I can have sex at 79! I'm so happy, because I live at number 89. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road! Life is good !!!!

Saturday, November 03, 2012

not sure

Advice for an old guy...

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.... sexy-gym-chick I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and said, "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Friday, November 02, 2012

Ex-wife the pilot

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me this weekend! The NTSB issued a preliminary Report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) Conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was extremely lucky!!!
I don't care who you are, this is funny!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

HALLOWEEN JOKE

A not politically/racially correct joke.....excuse me.... A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of a house and the man who answers it asks, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you suppose to be?" "We're Jack & Jill", she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just too darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black." Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there standing before him are the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED!! "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks. "Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

Has to make you wonder....

- If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." -- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Feeling smarter yet?

Any golfers here?

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'

How to change a number 1 to a number 2.

HAROLD

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?' The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Monday, October 29, 2012

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.' One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. Sincerely,

Seniors...love this....

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive. She then asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto.' The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. The next night as she walked past Franks room she saw the same thing. , Again she asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto, it's a two day trip you know!' The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in. She saw Bill pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Bill, what are you doing?' Bill replied, 'I'm dancing with Franks wife, he's gone to Toronto for a couple of days...'.