Opp's date gone very very wrong

Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you and you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted.

test

This is a Tough One! Morality Test....Read to the end before making a judgement. This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. *** THE SITUATION: *** You are in London .. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. *** THE TEST: *** Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris Somehow, the man looks familiar.... You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed b.......d who hates all non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!! You see that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can capture a dramatic prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men! *** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER *** Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Lost Wife

A man in his 60s approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me, but I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits, she appears out of nowhere.'

Sleep"n Naked

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' "'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids!" "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack! "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'." ________________________________

My dad is gay

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Vancouver Canucks but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Dildo

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out & thumps against their window. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry. That was just an insect." The young boy replied, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

BEST SIGN EVER

Brian

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.. He died. I'm married to his frickin' widow."

A man's wife is in a coma in the hospital

The man, exhausted, sleeps in the waiting room as the nurse gives his wife a towel bath. As the nurse does this, she notices a slight movement from the comatose woman as she runs the washcloth over the woman's private parts. The nurse gently wakes the man up, and as he rubs sleep from his eyes, she tells him, "I noticed something when bathing your wife, and it makes me think she might respond to oral sex." The man thinks a moment, then says, "OK, I'll give it a try." He goes into the room while the nurse watches the woman's vital signs from the monitor at the nurse's station. Suddenly, the heart monitor goes flat with a loud "BEEEEP". The nurse charges off and almost crashes into the man as he exits the door of the woman's room. "What happened!?" she shouted. "She choked."

BAD START TO A DATE

A pervert

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight cunt with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

kick in the balls

"Women always say that giving birth is way more painful then a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a women will often say "it would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say ' I would like another kick in the nuts'. Case closed

There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi . He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio. He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio. So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?" The driver replied: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get your ass out of my car and wait for a camel.”

Tattoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh. The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!" The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh". The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay. The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing." The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?" The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 45, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 55, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 65 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

H-A-P-P-Y Hour in Bangkok

H-A-P-P-Y Hour in Bangkok Beats the shit out of pretzels or popcorn

Hard to argue this logic.

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby". You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts". Case closed.

A clue that maybe you're in a gay bar