Monday, March 30, 2009

Information Highway

A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down, and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says,

'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. . . .. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'turn around'.'

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Drafting older Guys

Drafting Guys over 60-- --this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-- New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join the military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day,
leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.
'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.
Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b,...

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.
In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.
We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50,... with PMS! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!

If nothing else, put women on border patrol... they would have it secured the first night! Share this with your senior friends.
It's purposely in big type so they can read it.


Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of coure it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Reverend

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland .

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Miss Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff.'

The landlord nodded and said, ‘Ah well, if you're that far, ye might as well finish.'

Wednesday, March 25, 2009





I am a Fireman

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman'.
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as
fast as I can!'

Lady in Mourning

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:
'Mum, I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Blue Mountains .
Their first night there, she undresses he does.. there she stood nude except for a pair of Black Panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?
She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'
He knows he's not getting lucky that night..
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit .... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: 'What's with this black condom?'

He replies:

'I want to offer my deepest condolences'

Little Boy on the Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Slap

Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies were a fellow from Western Canada, a fellow from Quebec, a little old lady and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Western Canada must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have any money.' But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
'Anything?' he asked.
'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.
Well, then, 'Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
' Come in and close the door' the man said.
She did.
He then said 'Now get on your knees.'
She did.
'Now take down my zipper.'
She did.
'Now go ahead ... take it out.....' He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
'Well ... go ahead.'
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said ....
'Hello. Mom, can you hear me?'

Canada Audit

Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada."

"To Revenue Canada?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to RevenueCanada...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Saturday, March 21, 2009


A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I ? "

Friday, March 20, 2009

Old People

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing . She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

New Immigrant

A Somalian arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ...
'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.
' The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here inCanada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.
' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says,
'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !
' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !
' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?
' She says , 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her,
'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...
'Probably at work'

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.


Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."


Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!


The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,
he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"

(And saving the best for last...)

You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect
breasts. He approaches her and says, "Miss, would you let me bite your
breasts for $100? "

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.

"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would
you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K.,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there "

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,
fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

How to bypass security dogs

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day
and the man looks over at his wife and says:

'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I
bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and
measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was
working and measured his wife's bottom

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than
The barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling
a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his
wife who completely brushes him off
'What's Wrong?' he
Asks ...............

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire
Up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect
breasts. He approaches her and says, "Miss, would you let me bite your
breasts for $100? "

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.

"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would
you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K.,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there "

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,
fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

The Newfie Diet

A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want
you to eat regularly for 2 days,then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Newfie nodded...'I'll tell you though, Lord thunderin' Jesus, I t'aut
I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the fuckin' skippin'

Monday, March 16, 2009


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''

Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'

Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,

'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.? There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" asked the wife.

He says, "Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover; but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A Womans Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
like his mother used to do!

How the Rumor Started

Weenie Test

Many years ago, three third graders from Tennessee , an
Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid are on the playground at
recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see
who has the largest weenie.' They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out
and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be out done, the Black kid whips his out. It is by
far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother
asks him what he did at school today.

'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and
read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and
I played a new game called 'Let's see
who has the largest weenie.'
'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.
'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies
and I had the biggest! The other kids say maybe it's because I'm
Black. Is that true?'
'No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen and still in the
third grade.'

And that's how the rumor got started


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father'

Canadian Logic

One thing about Canadians is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilman from London Ontario, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Canadian's life, then I have just three things to say:'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

Bidding for a government job

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; One from Massachusetts, one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky . They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Massachusetts contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'

The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Massachusetts contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

'Done,' replies the government official ~ And that my friends, is how it all works!!!

Never Piss Off A Guy That Owns A Backhoe

Married for ever

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down......'
Bloody women they think of everything!!!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it weren't for the damn ice cream truck.
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked him,'Are you a real cowboy?'He replied,'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.'He then asked her what she was. She replied,'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.'A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,'Are you a real cowboy?'He replied,'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Desert Trip

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
See yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.

The Cowboy

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The cowboy approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph
on his way to Dallas with these balloons
trailing a few yards behind him?
Instructions for a fun time on the

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!

I don't care who you are....that's funny.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Darned clever, us Canadians!

Perhaps America and Europe should consider changing their currencies too.

Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.

Us Canadians have decided to redesign our currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism :

Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman.
Us Canadians always find the solution!
Must be the pure water up here!
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 old timer is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine

Monday, March 09, 2009

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you

Her husband speaks English!

I worry about you



"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"

Wife replies:
"Id take half then leave you."

Guy says:
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a fuck off!
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the
woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper'.

Chuck and the Farmer

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... The horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work

Newfie drinking buddies

Ralph and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander , NFLD.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Charlie.
Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Ralph says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Charlie says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Ralph says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We Ought to do this more often."

Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing...Have you farted yet?"

Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay "

This could be you some day

Friday, March 06, 2009

In a nursing home, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the
nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The
nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room,
and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise
she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

Redneck security system

Thursday, March 05, 2009

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one,
and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
Finally, an orthopedic bed for men!!!

Available at Boob, Butt and Beyond

A Bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings .'

The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'

......... You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'

Economic Stimulus Payment

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set or a new computer, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up

The Bra

Dr.Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Wives just don't understand..............

Sometimes, I just do not understand my wife.
My neighbor was out training her dog!
And...guess what?!
I got yelled at for staring

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he
would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile..
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' '
That's not senility,' replied the doctor.
'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, 'If any of you indulge in Your vices one more time, you will surely die.' The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, 'You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.'