Thursday, November 30, 2006
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
5.People Make me Sick
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8.Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pouty Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
13.Pardon My Screaming
14. Psycho Hose Beast
15.Pardon my snippiness
16.Pleasantness Mighty Scarce
....and my favorite one..
17.Potential Murder Suspect
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer"should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Monday, November 27, 2006
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5.. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all....
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there
Sunday, November 26, 2006
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage over dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive to 'Come-By-Chance ' until they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'
As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous fer me."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young
lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked,
"I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around,
and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other
$125, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and
explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such
grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which
property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time
for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it
extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating
the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The
rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment
be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had
presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the
way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client
agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such
property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the
transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he
placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed
personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was
adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask
that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the
defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not
known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also,
upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out
the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the
equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was
prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others.
We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have
the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the
plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
Monday, November 20, 2006
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.
You did notice the size of the print?
Sunday, November 19, 2006
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!" The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands
as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?""Yep, shore am," she replied brightly."And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" Grape", she said.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Element name: WOMAN.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Friday, November 10, 2006
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher Said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother Smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began Removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying Attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to Their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a Bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it Really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you Took his picture?"
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He Watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands Up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie
Asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm Buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good Shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS Guy wants to buy Mom."
another man hugging a tree, with his ear firmly against the tree
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck
happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind
and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings. The irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early? Doing what?"
Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate
without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often
to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without
having to picture them naked
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger,
we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway
Saturday, November 04, 2006
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much?! I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
DO NOT TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday
were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well,
but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started
leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her
left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase
around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and
said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the grandson...
"They won't let me fart."