Wednesday, August 30, 2006
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. Paul Martin was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Martin thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those jackasses deducted $95 in taxes."
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She went completely ballistic.
You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says; calmly:"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
The difference between "Guts" and "Balls"
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below ...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say:
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Friday, August 25, 2006
1. You can ride a motorcycle when you want to
2. Motorcycles never try to ride you
3. Motorcycles don’t sulk for a week when you don't ride them
4. Motorcycles aren't hairy
5. Motorcycles don't have a complex about the size of their parts
6. Motorcycles don't fall asleep when you've finished riding them
7. Motorcycles don't complain when you take them shopping
8. Motorcycles are never too proud to let you ask for directions
9. Motorcycles stay hard all the time
10. Motorcycles don't take their socks off and pick their feet
11. Motorcycles are never too drunk to ride
12. Motorcycles don't screw around.
13. Motorcycles don't care if it's that time of the month.
14. Motorcycles don't have parents.
15. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16. Motorcycles don't care about professional sports.
17. You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
18. Motorcycles don't care how many other motorcycles you've ridden.
19. When riding, you and your motorcycle can arrive at the same time.
20. Motorcycles don't care if other motorcycles look at you.
21. Motorcycles don't care if you look at other motorcycles
22. You don't have to be jealous of other women who covet your motorcycle
23. If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
24. Your motorcycle won't start going until you're ready.
25. You can ride your motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get exhausted.
26. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
27. There is no limit to how long motorcycles can keep going.
28. Motorcycles don't mistrust you if you're an experienced rider.
29. Your motorcycle never wants a night out with the other motorcycles.
30. Motorcycles don't care what you wear.
31. Motorcycles don't feel their bikehood is threatened if you insist on driving.
32. If your motorcycle doesn't look good you can add bling.
33. You can ride your motorcycle the first time you meet it, without worrying about whether it will call you back the next day.
34. You don't have to cover your motorcycle with rubber when you ride it.
35. You don't have to worry about where your motorcycle has been before you met it.
36. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your motorcycle
Monday, August 21, 2006
After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at histable was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (! which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
Friday, August 18, 2006
Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road in rural Wyoming. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wristwatch and a BHS tie, jumped out and asked the herder "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said "Okay."
The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery and a GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his high-tech mini printer. He turned to the herder and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The herder answered "Say, you are right. Pick out a sheep." The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle.
As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?"
The young man answered "Sure."
The herder said immediately "You are a consultant."
"Exactly! How did you know?" asked the young man.
"Very simple," replied the herder. "First you came here without being invited. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you do not understand anything about my business, and I'd really like to have my dog back."
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of themwould not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up......
Then all the other bells started to ring.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their
first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden, I have come to snatch
a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."
Comes opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a
bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with
grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and
to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were
terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words, "My fair maiden, I
have come to kiss your snatch! fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out, "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot
of ####, horse ####, this is bull ####... I never wanted to be in this
lousy play anyway!"
The audience left howling!!!
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!". And, doing so, draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
Monday, August 14, 2006
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
Thursday, August 10, 2006
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem that way?
What level of importance must a person have before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? They're still going to see you naked, anyway.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Darn women drivers !
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED
TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR
THE SAME REASON"
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"Win a bagel"
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of
the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
Noticing this, a policeman stops her... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
"Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up
to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So,
I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20
or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing."
Monday, August 07, 2006
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk
by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens
with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to
the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken
wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of
round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and
to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the
unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy
on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat...."
Saturday, August 05, 2006
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.
At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"
"About 270," answers the executive.
"No way," says the young man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the young man on the Vespa.
"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa that crashed into him.
"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?
"Yes," replied the young man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."