Saturday, May 29, 2010

3 Holy Men

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern

Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.A real

challenge would be to preach to a bear.One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body

and limbs, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him

from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as

gentle as a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in

casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't

sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY

WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to

wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as

gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising to Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was

in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."


Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says.

"Im trying to commit a suicide," she says.

"Well, before you jump give me a blow job." So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing a suicide?".

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Job Applicant

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 14 or so. I
went in to buy a
packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She
handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear
one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped
it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was
on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all
the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just
a minute,' she
said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and
laid it aside.
Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I
was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her
panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she
said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I
was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put
that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me.......

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Chinese Fart

A young Chinese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Chinese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

'Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'

Sunday, May 23, 2010


I'd just come out of a Super Market with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'

I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My kind of girl...

A teacher asks a redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."

Kinda brings a tear to ya eye!!!

Post Office

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "have you been in the service?"Yes" he says. "I was in Afghanistan
for two years"The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points
toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any
way"?The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew
my testicles off".The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you
right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM You can start
tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.The guy is puzzled and says, "If the
hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in
at 10:00 A M""This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."

Penis Enhancement

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 14 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 14 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,

"How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 7 inches"

"No, it's turned black.."

Monday, May 17, 2010

Sometime's it's tough being a Super Hero!


The dangers of senior bus trips

A senior citizens' group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip from Tampa, Florida to Branson, MO.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it jumps & runs away!'

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Two first graders

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play.
It was to be a Shakespearean play.

The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.

The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.....

"My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy

play anyway..."

The audience left howling

Thursday, May 13, 2010

One Phone Call

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a "Black & Decker"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Old Man and teen

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,"What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son

Thursday, May 06, 2010

I have a Welfare Question


When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan, China, Mexico or Arab countries, what does that Government give you?

Answer - A map of Canada!

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

building permit

I just applied for a building permit for my new house.

I told them it was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place with a big sound system on the outside.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with titty pink trim.

The City council told me to F off.

So I resubmitted the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday...

Monday, May 03, 2010

Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
Him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how
He had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
Show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground..

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
Manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel"

Saturday, May 01, 2010


A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."