Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lost Wife

An older man approached an attractive younger woman
at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow,
said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with a chest like yours, she appears out of nowhere
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.' He replied, ' Texas State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't
even know the way to the Post Office."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Irish Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

Monday, July 27, 2009

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning their next Golf outing at the club.

Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go saturday because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the Golf course, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting in the club house having a full breakfast.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't play tomorrow.

Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see -through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want' . . ."

and so here I am!
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Saskatchewan redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Saskatchewan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Canada'

You gotta love those Saskatchewan gals!!!


Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great! I be at work soon.........

You got Nice house'

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Two of the greatest qualities in life are:




After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John's.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way

home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'

The Blonde Surgery Patient..........

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said..

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Married too long

This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says
”Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
“Yes,” she answers, seductively.
“Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”

Monday, July 13, 2009

Canada's Economy

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Woman in labor, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

A Charitable Act

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and
bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Robot Bartender.........

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100".

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst 1000, cricket, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly.
"So................You gonna follow The Leafs again this year?"

Thanks to Otis at Canadian Riders forum fot this joke

Friday, July 10, 2009

A Blonde goes to the cleaners and drops of a shirt. As she leaves the woman behind the counter says "Come Again"... The Blonde says "No it's toothpaste this time! Nosey Bitch!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

The sequel all men are still waiting for ...

eBay SCAM…

I'VE BEEN SCAMMED (bast**ds!)....


Business Update;

Just Announced - IKEA to take over GM


A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom
A Cape Breton farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*!k would you say?'

Monday, July 06, 2009

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady,
I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.

'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is
something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

A Blonde's Year in Review

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottle won't fit in printer !!!

Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 said '2-4 years!'

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

Tried to make Kool-Aid.... ..wrong instructions. ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

Couldn't call 911 .... 'duh'..there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Blond Job

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type.

She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Thursday, July 02, 2009

The maid's pay increase

Our maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?


An elderly woman bought a parrot.
The woman asked if it would
behave if she took it to church with
her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem, that
she could put him on her shoulder and he
would stay there.
She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him
on her shoulder and went off to
church. Just as everyone quieted down and
the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked and
said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her, she
ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day, she returned
to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to
the owner.

The owner offered the following solution,
"If the parrot does that again, grab
him by the legs and swing
him around 5 times and return him to you shoulder.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure
enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked,
"It's goddamned cold in here!"

Without any hesitation, the woman
grabbed his legs, swung him around 5
times, and placed him
back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head,
ruffled his feathers and said,
"Pretty fucking windy, too!"