Friday, September 29, 2006
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who
put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For
weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then
one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday
night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now
take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"
Thursday, September 28, 2006
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Ukrainian
perogies with fried onions wafting up
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where
if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of
his favourite perogies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was
already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached for a perogie at the edge of the table,
when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Fuck off." she said. "They're for the funeral.
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Daddy doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when a Canadian Sailor got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Sailor went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Sailor and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Sailor calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting 's Sailors, Soldiers, Airman and Women, who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an jerk. So, He sent me."
I bet you wish you could have been that Sailor or someone who supports them!!!!
him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20."
Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service, men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents." He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation,
stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member..which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, he!!!"
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba.
It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that; Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & Mike Myers are Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. Of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a toque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean:
almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"..
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "He?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends! (Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them! )
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman", the doctor said "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"
Mildred hung up the phone without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee .
- You spend more time shining your bike than riding it.
- You're too cool to wave at the kids in the mom-mobile in front of you.
- You grab for your hairbrush before your old lady.
- You take your bike into the shop for oil changes.
- Your $500 boots aren't scuffed from riding.
- You think that a kick-starter is a mocha latte.
- You set at least one mirror, if not both, to reflect yourself.
- Your saddle bags say "Gucci".
- You carry a lap-top in your saddle bags.
- Your tattoos wash off.
- You put your pony-tail back in the drawer after you get home.
- You won't ride down a gravel road.
- You've never seen a sunrise from two wheels.
- You only ride on weekends, when you can.
- You never ride to work.
- All your leathers match.
- There are no wrinkled, faded, creased, or scratched areas on your leathers.
- You don't own a rain suit.
- You've never ridden long enough to know that stock seats are never comfortable.
- You've never had to replace a worn out tire.
- You've had to replace your tires, but because they were too old and not too worn.
- You like to ride by stores with big picture windows so you can admire your reflection
- Your longest road trip this year was to Timmy's for bike night.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass woman
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of
the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top
think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough
to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Men are like a fine wine They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
Share this with all the good apples you know.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room Service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She
said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come
on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... And squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and
her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all
Thursday, September 14, 2006
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go
to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she
shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give them a better idea about his wife's possible hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, Bill's wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, so let's see what happens." Then, in a normal tone of voice, he asked, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
There was no response, so Bill moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still, no response, so he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, he received no response, so he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" he asked, but, once again, there was no response.
Finally, he walked right up behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Bill, for the FIFTH time," she replied, "CHICKEN!"
Sunday, September 10, 2006
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned
a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook
its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged, and said "I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan
it's now $150.00."
crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard,
the mouse proclaimed the
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap
in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you
but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said,
"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a
mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.
I'm sorry for you,
but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,
to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the
darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her
to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup,
so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's
But his wife's sickness continued,
so friends and neighbors came
to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came
for her funeral, the farmer
had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you,
when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out
for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT
AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.
EACH OF US IS A VITAL
THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend .
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything
in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders
a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what
your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
Mike replied, "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money.
There's a diagnostic computer here at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs $10. It's a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe put a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Wal-Mart.
When he paid $10, the
computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample
into the slot and waited. Ten seconds later, the computer ejected the
following printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He mixed up some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and his sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He paid $10,
poured in his concoction, and awaited for the results. The computer printed out the
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener on Aisle 9.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo from Aisle 7.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
Monday, September 04, 2006
favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You
know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up
for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The Dean says, "I'll show you by way of example. Do you own a
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think
that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
The Dean says, "And because you have a yard, I think, logically,
that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"And because you have a family, then logically you must have
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
"I am a heterosexual... That's amazing, you were able to find
out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and
leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes,
and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob asks, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a weed-eater?"
"Then you're a queer."
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''
Women just have such bad attitudes.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship.
>From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Nanaimo ferry."
"We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"
Friday, September 01, 2006
to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her
special area. He does this a few times, but only for a
very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her
husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and
starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was
"The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."