Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Little Dennis came home from his Lethbridge school one day slightly confused.
His Mother was Jewish and his father was a native.
So Dennis asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question,
"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."

Timeless advice from ancient China..


Confucius say,

" Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."

Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch."

THe New Ford





Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(Your gonna love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Friday, December 18, 2009

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say,

"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time."
Fox News and CNN have reported that Elin Nordegren Woods moved to the top of the money list on the PGA Tour yesterday after 'beating' the world's number one golfer.

The news came after the world's number one golfer inadvertently played the wrong hole.....

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis !' The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis ,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door !' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, ' Magic Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ' Magic Penis , my crotch .' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.

You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Ontario recently transferred to the northern part of Alberta, and a small community was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life..

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she
asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker..
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door....... 'This is the Outhouse!'

( Some Government workers are so smart)

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
She asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . .. Which part of
Your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you
Think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
Of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
Other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009




I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

HOW TO TELL YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED TOO LONG

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to
be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their
men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels.. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love
on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in
a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was
so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move
up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled "Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?"

Little Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Catholic Coffee



Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

The woman said, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24 inch waist and 34 inch hips."

The men exchanged glances and the first Catholic man said, "And?"
The woman proudly replied, "When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God.' "



To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
IT WAS A BAD MONTH IN SPORTS.

TIGER GOT NAILED WITH TOO MANY WOMEN AND
SASKATCHEWAN GOT NAILED WITH TOO MANY MEN.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Definition of Taliban.

Our troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humour. One of them sent this.

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, But you routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

QUESTION?

How can you tell the difference between a Canadian, Australian, and an American Police Officer?

Pose yourself the following unlikely question:

You're walking down 2nd Avenue in Saskatoon. Suddenly, a dangerous and aggressive looking man approaches another pedestrian, with a knife in his fist, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises his fists, and charges.

This interaction is observed by a City Police Officer who has a Glock revolver on his hip. The officer has mere seconds to act before the pedestrian's life is ended.

What do you do?

AS A CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)

Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?

Is this an aggrieved refugee claimant who is unhappy with his level of welfare benefits and treatment by immigration and welfare?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?

Is this a victim of a residential schools experience?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'visitor' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
How will the CBC cover this?

Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing? Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!

AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....

(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click...

Thursday, December 03, 2009

This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the chesterfield.

At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her
husband says,"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the chesterfield."

Older Women Are So Reasonable!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.

Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.
That's what I said!'

Which one is married?'

little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Little Ralphy and the teacher

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'. In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

?? Nun At Airport

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.?
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES?THAT TELLS?YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE?WHAT IT TELLS ME.' ?
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER?NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,?'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128?LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'?

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE.
THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE?CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN..?SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT?CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU?ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.' ?
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER?PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS?FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN?THEM.

WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE,?THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE?GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC? A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS?SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY? THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL?AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ,?'YOU ARE A NUN,??YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE?FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '...

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Welfare Office

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"
' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.'
All the children rush to find seats.
Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'
''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls
are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin.
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,
I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit,
then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,
'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored him and repeated his greeting. Again, there was
no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'We come in peace. Do not ignore us this
way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that. I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Nonsense,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. The massive fireball blew the
younger alien off his feet and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess, about
200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
companion, and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, it's that you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and whispered, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'Well you will be when the tide comes in.'

WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT YOU KNOW..

Monday, November 30, 2009

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says: "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Legs or Brest


Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

Lie detector robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was
a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy...The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.....The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen'"

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Monday, November 23, 2009

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing ... She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"

borrowed from Canadian Biker Forum

Saturday, November 21, 2009

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The name's just Fred.....




A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
He asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
Break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
Presses h im for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
The time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
Older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
Medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
Decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
Doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
Gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
Found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
Of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'


The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The candy with holes




The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father...'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Politically Incorrect Humor

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman an asshole.


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just taking a crap."


Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but man, pass the parcel was quick!!!


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ Won't it start?"

JUST WAXIN' MY BOAT

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out,
Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....

She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'

Jesus is Watching You!!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. His flashlight beam came to rest ona parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,'replied the bird.

'Moses?'the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Friday, November 13, 2009

Wife's First Hunting Trip





My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I Couldn't believe it...the first time ever!
I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me
And being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'.
I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat!
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository .
it's up to you!'

How Pumpkin Pies are made -- Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Traffic Camera:

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

Monday, November 09, 2009

JUST WAXIN' MY BOAT

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out,
Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....

She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Another new Illness to watch out for... Anal Glaucoma


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

ALMOST MARRIED

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I ... was ... almost ... married !"

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter anymore!"
The answer comes, " Yes... I .. went ..to ..a ..doctor ... and.. he ... told me .. that .. if I .. speak ... slowly, I will .. not ..stutter."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
" Well, ... my ... fiance and ... I ... were ... sitting on ...her ...porch and ....the ...dog was ... scratching ...his back, ..and ...I ....told ..her ..that ...when we ...were .... married, ... she ... could do that .. for ... me .. and then .... she .... threw the ... ring ... in my ... face ...and ... left.

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"Well, ... I .... speak ...so ... slowly, ... that ... by ..the time ... she ... looked at ... the dog .... he .... was ... licking his ..nuts."

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,

everything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?


M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking???

WHO SAYS GRAMMAR'S NOT IMPORTANT??

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

Get vaccinated, for heaven's sake!

Swine Flu Advice:

If you wake up looking like this. . .




don't
go to work
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can!
Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Canadian humour!!

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis died and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Canadians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless Canadian generosity!

Three Couples Camping

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."

Friday, October 30, 2009

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
While walking down the street one day, a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies..

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..


Today, you voted.'

Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha

All hair removal methods have tricked women with

their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair and now...the wax. Read on......

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.....must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's
not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally
see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

What are these women all doing?




THEY'RE ALL GETTING READY TO SNEEZE!!

Who Is Your Real Friend?



This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When the trunk is opened, which one is really happy to see you?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

A simple way to understand how the Canadian economy works.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers ...MAY receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting new program...... explaination using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, California and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or South Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, .......keep the money in Canada by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to Hockey games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..

So, go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and........ drink beer all day!

Two little boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'


'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

Wednesday, October 28, 2009



TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.



THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’ HIS FRIEND SAYS,

‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’

‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’

Monday, October 26, 2009

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad
that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the
inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So, they buried Susie.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a
giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such
a tattoo and in that location.



She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your
left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. She quickly throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Friday, October 23, 2009

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too..' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

FROZEN SKUNK

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...
How to satisfy a woman with 2 1/2 inches?

THE VET

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and
hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that
wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye
to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O¢, and my husband calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly
'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on
this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's
waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and
in a loud voice, said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and
shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the
way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is! Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Friday, October 16, 2009