Friday, October 30, 2009

Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha

All hair removal methods have tricked women with

their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair and now...the wax. Read on......

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.....must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's
not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally
see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

13 comments:

Vogysgirl said...

OMG!!! So much for my idea of waxing now. You poor thing. how long did it take you to heal after such an event?

becksplusworld said...

I laughed so long, and so hard, I feel awful. I have experienced the home waxing ordeal, and I always get as far as ripping half of it off too. Thank you so much for letting me know that there's someone else out there who is as capable as me.

Summer said...

I feel bad for laughing, but that was the most hilarious thing that I have ever stumbled upon. It made me cry from laughing so hard!

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KxPx said...

Ah, thanks very much for posting this story, amid the pain and suffering it might not have occurred to you that you could have made so many people laugh and smile :)

Erica said...

oil is what works for wax

julia said...

wow.... im glad i never tried it on my hooha.... but i didnt on my face it hurt...and it was my first time.... i did professional waxing b4 it hurt sooooo bad............ but it got the job done only lasted like a week though....

Kelly S said...

Um, Don, I doubt you have a hooha so, who is the unluckly lady that gets credit for this painful experience that made me laugh quite hard?

jackymock said...

That is so funny. I haven't laughed that much in ages. I tried waxing once but it didnt work for me either. I think i will stick to using my epilator from now on..

nails and beauty

John said...

So much funny blog my dear. I really laughed so long.
Brazilian wax

Unknown said...

Made my day:)) I don't feel bad laughing, as I've been there, minus calling the friend:) and minus making it into a 'pick-me-up' blog item! You go, girl!!!

Salem Witch Child said...

lol. My husband is looking at me funny wondering why the hell I'm laughing. I'm so glad I am NOT She-rah because I can't stand to was my legs let alone that sensitive area.

Btw, Don't they make was for the bikini line?

Quid Nunc said...

I damned near died reading this. I don't think I have laughed that hard since you weren't allowed to in church. We are such fools. A guy would never do that shit. Imagine if someone told you this was happening to young women in Africa, you would be calling Amnesty International.
Thanks