Saturday, February 28, 2009

Best Field Trip Ever

Survivor -Texas Style

You may have to be a Southerner to truly relate to this one!!!!

A major network is planning a new "survivor" show. In response, the
State of Texas is planning: "Survivor, Texas Style"

The contestants will start in El Paso , travel I-20 through Pecos ,
Odessa , Midland , Big Spring , Abilene , Ft.Worth & Dallas. They will
Then proceed down to Waco , Austin , on to San Antonio , up I-10 to
Kerrville , Sonora ,up to San Angelo up to Lamesa, Lubbock, to Amarillo
Over to Herford and back to El Paso .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads:

"I'm gay, I voted for Barak Obama and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to El Paso wins.

Who Am I

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.

' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun.

I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....

Convict on the loose

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."


Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

Poker Players

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Alan accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Alan upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Alan went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Alan admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Alan confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Alan didn't, Alan should be at her house around 2 p.m Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Alan showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Alan quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Alan come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

Have you ever heard the concept explained any better than this?

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Friday, February 27, 2009

Hubby gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife.

She says: 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!” The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”

Top 27 Things Biker Chicks Say....(That make Bikers love them!!)

1.) I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?
3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and …..Have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
5.) God..If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.
7.} You’re so sexy when you're hung-over.
8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.
9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?)
11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.
13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.
14.) Honey..Our new neighbor is sunbathing nude again, come see!
15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.
16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.
17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.
18.) Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.
19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.
23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24.) That was a great ••••! Do another one!
25.) I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!
26.) Babe since I am just sitting over here while you drive I might as will go down on you.
27.) OOo babe you missed, but thats ok I like it there too!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

$7 SEX

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrongwith the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he
says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watchagain. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

Biggest turn on for guys!

Men all over the country are
urging their wives and
sweethearts to get this 'chic'
procedure. The going rate on
the east coast now exceeds
$10,000. Many men feel it is
worth it.

Math at it's best

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
and I'm sure we all know people who give more than

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Last Nickel

A father walks
into a restaurant with his young son He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him

Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs
up 2 of the nickels, but keeps

Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for

A well
dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant.

Reaching the
boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free

Releasing the
boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.

As soon as he
is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney..'


A man in the Safeway Store tries to buy half a head
of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room,the boy said to his manager, "Some ass hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on
his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"........!!!!


Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her

The minister fainted.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Friendship Among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Economic Stimulus for Dummies

Economic Stimulus Payment

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set or a new computer, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up

Sunday, February 22, 2009


A woman was in a coma. She had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.**

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'


Friday, February 20, 2009

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing
who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says:
Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies:
'Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says,
'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says: 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies,
'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

Napping at work

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tyron & Robert

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morni ng, "Man, why you
always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him
every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I
made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this:
Blond hair, blond hair,
eyes so blue.
I love waking up
and making love to you!"

Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental. " But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.
He spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened! To you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.."
Well, what poem did you tell her?

Tyrone said:
"Nappy head, nappy head,
eyes like a frog.
If I could roll your fat ass over,
I'd hump you like a dog!"
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Newfoundlander were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Newfoundlander fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper.

Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind Fire Fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Newfoundlander said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Ralph and the Chicken

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only
one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send
him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was
covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen,
huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have
this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg
before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the
rooster . 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced
motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on
the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'

Defective Parrot

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill:

The Cadbury's Candy Co. And Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains.
They're going to be called....


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

'What's that?' he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'

Horrified, she said, ' Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs. 'Here,' she said, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Just checking for bees'.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, 'Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!'

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, 'No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the f**king book.'
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy… if you explain the kids."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

How not to get your ass kicked by the police!


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address,
social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's
your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "
Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

First sign he is GAY

You know you've had enough of winter when...

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven.

1st woman Hi my name is Wanda
2nd woman Hi l'm Sylvia How'd you die?

1st woman l froze to death
2nd woman How horrible

1st woman lt wasn't so bad. After l quit shaking from the
cold. l began to get warm x sleepy and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman l died of a massive heart attack. l suspected
that my husband was cheating so l came home early to
catch him in the act. But found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.

1st woman So what happened?
2nd woman l was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that l started running all over the house looking.
l ran up into the attic and searched and down into the
basement. Then l went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. l kept this up until l had looked every
where and finally l became so exhausted that l just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman Too bad you didn't look in the freezer----we'd
both still be alive!!

Friday, February 13, 2009


You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house..
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my Mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so us seniors can read it.)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

He Is Coming

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
Difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she
Would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
Dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
Million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
For a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
To fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
In a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
For a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
Would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his

His dad then asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
Million dollars ..

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

'Want some of this?' she purred.

Are you kidding?' he replied. 'Look what it did to your underwear.'

The Genie...

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.

Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said:

"Let me see the fucking map again."

No bathing suits allowed in lobby

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bath room, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Murder at Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )


Monday, February 09, 2009


For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.'

MY Living Will

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
" I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Ear Infection

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Who is your real friend?

This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
Remember the guy you're talking about.

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After
a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

Two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered
'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say
'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
remembering what she said, he called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
Meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Spruce Creek South , 'I just
bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, from a Dell Webb Community, went to the
doctor at the local Medical
Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
Down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
Really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be
cheerful.', Morris replied.

To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
Heart murmur, be careful!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice
cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up
onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress
asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Three Explorers Choose Their Deaths

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,
"So much for your canoe, a**hole!"

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*********! **********************

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15! Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.