Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Complete and Finished

Complete and Finished,,,,what's the difference??????
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy
to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
But.................... there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander !!!!!!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...

End of story

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get
that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing
home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for
being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement
and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger
every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go
to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even
younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play,
and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last
9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central
heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an

I rest my case.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

A distraught senior citizen


A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked

Friday, August 05, 2011


An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club... She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

Ole the Hunter

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough. He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over,

it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.

I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.

She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

how to grow tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Remember to smile at people.....they will think you are up to something...

God visits a man

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re were not too fucking happy about it in Wal-Mart either!