Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Divorce
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our
divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:
Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument
flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a
VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to
insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows
the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
I don't care who you are, this was funny!!!!!
divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error:
Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument
flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a
VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to
insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows
the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
I don't care who you are, this was funny!!!!!
Valentines Day
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no
special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
This is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.'
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so you
ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the
holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of
the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the
Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT
much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual
love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling.
So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no
special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
This is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.'
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so you
ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the
holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of
the day! That's it!
This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the
Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT
much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual
love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling.
So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Monday, January 28, 2008
No Toilet Paper
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom.
She said, "Yes".
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"
She said, "Yes".
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"
Saturday, January 26, 2008
tat
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda his wife says,where the hell have you been?
Larry replies, I was out getting a tattoo!
A tattoo she frowned. What kind of a tattoo did you get ?
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates. he said proudly.
What the hell were you thinking? She said,shaking her head in disgust.
Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates ?
Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three,I like how my money feels in my hand.And lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital !
Larry replies, I was out getting a tattoo!
A tattoo she frowned. What kind of a tattoo did you get ?
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates. he said proudly.
What the hell were you thinking? She said,shaking her head in disgust.
Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates ?
Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three,I like how my money feels in my hand.And lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital !
Sportsman's Double
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty
good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever
had a "Sportsman's Double?".
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
"Oh." I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake ?'
good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever
had a "Sportsman's Double?".
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
"Oh." I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake ?'
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Study by UCLA
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed thatthe kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
has revealed thatthe kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth
and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The Canadian Way
A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge,
burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him
on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,
'That's a karate chop from Korea. Well, the
little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his
beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the
bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other
side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a
judo chop from Japan', he says. The little Newfie decides
he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and
sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him
and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says
to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a
fuckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire'
burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him
on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,
'That's a karate chop from Korea. Well, the
little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his
beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the
bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other
side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a
judo chop from Japan', he says. The little Newfie decides
he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and
sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him
and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says
to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a
fuckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire'
OUCH
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
Redneck wedding night
A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said 'This is a very special 'casion.
It's our weddin' night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed.
' The clerk winked and asked, 'Do you want the bridal?'
The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied,
'No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her hair 'til she gets used to it.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said 'This is a very special 'casion.
It's our weddin' night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed.
' The clerk winked and asked, 'Do you want the bridal?'
The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied,
'No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her hair 'til she gets used to it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Turn of your Cell
I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
"Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
Retirement Planning
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.
Dandruff Problems
A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a business man gets on. It's evident that the man has dandruff problems because his black suit is covered with white flakes.
Two floors later, the man gets off. When the door closes, the brunette says 'Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders!'
The blonde responds 'How do you give shoulders?'
Two floors later, the man gets off. When the door closes, the brunette says 'Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders!'
The blonde responds 'How do you give shoulders?'
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Sex...50 years ago???
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember
the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each
other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops
his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
Policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both
are making loud noises and moaning and screaming Finally, they both
collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back
on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but
that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years
ago that wasn't an electric fence.
the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each
other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops
his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
Policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both
are making loud noises and moaning and screaming Finally, they both
collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back
on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but
that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years
ago that wasn't an electric fence.
Blonds and Jumpers
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at
the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet
he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump"
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet
he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump"
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
it's all in a name
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin,I'll need to ask You a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number,etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says," I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says," I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
Redneck Vasectomy
An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make
the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Two Elderly Friends
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Friday, January 18, 2008
BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
Trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
More blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
Sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
Less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
Cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
Trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
More blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
Sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
Less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
Cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
Living Will
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
Canada Pension Plan
Having reached the age of 62, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."
I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience At the Canada Pension Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have Dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability, too."
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."
I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience At the Canada Pension Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have Dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability, too."
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Ever Wonder Why?
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally.
NOW!
You Know Why Because she smells like a new truck!
A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally.
NOW!
You Know Why Because she smells like a new truck!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Blonde's Year 2007 in Review
January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February -- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April -- Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June -- Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September -- The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October -- Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November -- Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December -- Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!
February -- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April -- Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June -- Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September -- The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October -- Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November -- Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December -- Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Male Strippers
Last night, my blond friends and I went to a
Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls, Jenny, wanted to impress the
rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
Jenny licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his
butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend Brenda, pulls
out a $20 bill. Brenda called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend Mary, pulls out a $50 bill and
calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going,
but fortunately, Mary just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks
again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races
over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me,
Gloria, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my
wallet.
What could I do?
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks,
and left!!!!
Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls, Jenny, wanted to impress the
rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
Jenny licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his
butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend Brenda, pulls
out a $20 bill. Brenda called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend Mary, pulls out a $50 bill and
calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going,
but fortunately, Mary just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks
again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races
over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me,
Gloria, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my
wallet.
What could I do?
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks,
and left!!!!
Business Owners
A man owned a small business, and an agent from the federal employment office came for a surprise visit.
"You say there's a problem here?" the boss inquired.
"That's what we hear, sir," the agent said. "You are required by law to cooperate."
"Whatever you boys need is fine with me," said the cooperative man.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the businessman, "there's my foreman who's been with me for nine years. I pay him $1,500 a week."
"Who else?" the agent said.
"And the office gal has been here for three years, and I pay her $450 per week."
"And?" the agent insisted, clearly looking for the businessman to admit something in particular.
"The only other one is the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He only gets about $100 per week, though he gets a bottle of bourbon every payday --
which he has to nurse along for the rest of the month.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to!" says the agent. "The half-wit that you don't even pay minimum wage!"
"Yer talkin' to him," replied the boss.
"You say there's a problem here?" the boss inquired.
"That's what we hear, sir," the agent said. "You are required by law to cooperate."
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the businessman, "there's my foreman who's been with me for nine years. I pay him $1,500 a week."
"Who else?" the agent said.
"And the office gal has been here for three years, and I pay her $450 per week."
"And?" the agent insisted, clearly looking for the businessman to admit something in particular.
"The only other one is the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He only gets about $100 per week, though he gets a bottle of bourbon every payday --
which he has to nurse along for the rest of the month.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to!" says the agent. "The half-wit that you don't even pay minimum wage!"
"Yer talkin' to him," replied the boss.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Top 10 Thoughts For 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial
tax cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a
clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in
charge of immigration.
And the BONUS thought for today
"Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn
your ass tomorrow."
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Gotta LOVE Newfies...
Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was
to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?
to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?
Subject: Gynecologist's Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Center in Edmonton, Alberta and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Red Deer, Alberta. That's about 160 kilometres from here.' 'Oh why, is that where the job's at?' 'No sir - that's the end of the lineup!'
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Red Deer, Alberta. That's about 160 kilometres from here.' 'Oh why, is that where the job's at?' 'No sir - that's the end of the lineup!'
Subject: Body Found
Today the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay ????
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Help Wanted
A older man from the OASIS community goes into the Job Center in Menifee, California and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies, "Oh yes here it is. The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Tucson, Arizona. That's about 500 miles from here.
''Oh why, is that where the job is?'' "No sir - that's the end of the lineup!
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies, "Oh yes here it is. The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Tucson, Arizona. That's about 500 miles from here.
''Oh why, is that where the job is?'' "No sir - that's the end of the lineup!
Cab Fare
One rainy spring night in St. Augustine, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Vilano Road,' answered the woman.
'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'
'Well ma'am', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Hearing Test
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!!!!'
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!!!!'
Friday, January 04, 2008
Child birth
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
Here I am God
A young Canadian soldier was attending some college courses between assignments
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the
professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and
flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got
down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and
sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?"
Came the reply,
"God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an JERK. So, He sent me"
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the
professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and
flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got
down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and
sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?"
Came the reply,
"God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an JERK. So, He sent me"
putting Your Affairs In Order
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order
Little Johnny's Back Again
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* ; * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
Thursday, January 03, 2008
New windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those > expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo'? (I told him). 'It's been a year'!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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