PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT FOR SENIORS . . .

An elderly couple were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex seven times a week
He Said: Put me down for Fridays

Persidential Bull Shit

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

I'm voting for the Pilot.

computer error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric.............

Choices you make in life

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading ..

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. HOWEVER...

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on
the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!

Wisdon from Mother Superior

98 year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother
Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then
a little more and before they knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the
last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some
wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell
that cow."

Gas Coupon

I didn't realize this but these coupons are good for one Litre of gas at
most retailers.

I have seen them around lots but never knew what they were for?

You probably have one lying around somewhere now?

Make sure to use it before it expires!!

Love the Irish

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST 'SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE' (CHILLING!)

Sixty is the worst age to be

Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man.
'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time
You stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy,
You don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives,
Eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse...
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?' ....
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00
And crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

Stretch a Dime.

Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first
day and saved the ashes.He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the thirdday and again saved the ashes.On the fourth day he gavethe ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, 'I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime.'

The other Scotsman said, 'I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and
on the second day I ate the other half.The third day I used
the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in
the skin and sewed it back up.The fifth day I took it back
to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed
with me and gave me my dime back....

Artificial Insemination

A Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he
should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they
will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass
when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try
didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and
drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep
and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them
is beeping the horn.'

Erectile disfunction at its finest.

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis Are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's Willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is.The doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's' trunk,insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never Having sex again is even scarier, so he says okay.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket,and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments,and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

Three CowBoys

THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE; WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH EACH IS FAMOUS, IT IS A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.

THE GUY FROM MONTANA SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."

THE GUY FROM TEXAS COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED.

THAT'S NOTHING, "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A BELLY ACHE."

THE COWBOY FROM NEW MEXICO REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.

Goes Without Saying

Motivation

Subject: Retinal Pigmentation Loss (RPL)

I just had my annual eye exam and the doctor gave me a new test that I can use periodically to measure the amount of retina pigmentation loss one experiences after the age of 50. This is a relatively new test.
He gave me a copy of it so I can test myself every few weeks. I asked for permission to forward it to others, and he agreed, as it was innovative and so valuable. So I am sending it to family and friends over the age of
50 (with a few special exceptions for some of my younger family and friends).

Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers

'It's a guy thing, regardless of Species.'

The Pastor needs another raise

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise.After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6
children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold
another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of
yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose
from his chair and spoke, Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back
pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail
voice, Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers. The entire congregation said, Amen!

Things you can look forward to in old age.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SH1T" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Canter.

When you really can't wait

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
Good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
You were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
Tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by
Saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am
Sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
The dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
Good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to s hake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
Hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted

husband and wife shopping

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, IT'S HALF THE PRICE'!

The Blonde and the Peach Farmer

Peaches for Sale

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."
The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

My piggy bank after I bought gas this morning

Peggy Sue's Mother

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960.
Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to Screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued.
'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd Screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.

A moment later Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
'Twist! Mom!'she angrily yelled to the mother in the kitchen.
'The f****n dance is called the 'Twist.'

Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!

I recently found a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, fishing or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a sh!t?"

Bubba and Clem

One day, Clem was walking down Main Street when he
saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba
pulled up to him with a wide grin.
'Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?'
'Bobby Sue gave it to me' Bubba replied..
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?'
'Well, Clem, let me tell you what happened. We were
driving out on County Road 6, in the middle
of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the
road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into
the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all
her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!'
'Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit ya'!'

The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are having a drink in a bar on holiday.

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself personally....no!', said the Irishman.
'But it did happen to me sister.'

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' ........

Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.'
What's all the screaming about in there?' he yells. 'You're scaring my customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet,' slurs the drunk, 'and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts .'
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, 'You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Big Ugly Biker

This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
'That's really cool, where did you get him?'
'Sturgis.' Replied the parrot, 'They're all over the friggin place!'

The Blond and the Drunk

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him
with breasts size 44DD'S.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides
it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes
over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'



'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......




A LICKER LICENSE!

Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',
She volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we Knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the
Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John call ed the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
" I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erect a sign that said:

! < /I>
SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone. ! The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!