As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you Are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same Thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the F*** ING SALT TRUCK.........."
Saturday, November 27, 2010
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe
your wife's favorite flower?'
Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.
by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe
your wife's favorite flower?'
Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills!!!
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.
The moral of the story............
Pay your bills!!!
Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help.
I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help.
I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Two dwarfs
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Woman?????
I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.
I spent $40 on a blow job for myself and she goes f _ _ king mental……. Women?!?!?!
I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.
I spent $40 on a blow job for myself and she goes f _ _ king mental……. Women?!?!?!
The worst day of my life
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting
and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting
and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Monday, November 22, 2010
little Johnny
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Newfoundland border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Newfoundland boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Newfoundland border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Newfoundland boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Decisions...Decisions
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees. Quietly arriving
home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with
another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Vancouver Canuck’s season tickets.
HE paid for your BC Lions’ season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake ..
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees. Quietly arriving
home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with
another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Vancouver Canuck’s season tickets.
HE paid for your BC Lions’ season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake ..
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
Fred and Larry
Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and
Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up
yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for Vaseline and I think.....
I gave him my airplane glue.'
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and
Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up
yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for Vaseline and I think.....
I gave him my airplane glue.'
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Dear Friends,
Over the years, I have received nude photos, dirty jokes and have emailed them to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.
Unfortunately, I seemed to have upset a few people and received criticism for being sexist and shallow. For this I truly apologize.
So, from now on, I am making an effort to only email pictures of old monuments, cultural, and nature sights which are educational and interesting.
For example, on a recent trip I just happened to capture this fantastic shot of a palm tree:
Unfortunately, I seemed to have upset a few people and received criticism for being sexist and shallow. For this I truly apologize.
So, from now on, I am making an effort to only email pictures of old monuments, cultural, and nature sights which are educational and interesting.
For example, on a recent trip I just happened to capture this fantastic shot of a palm tree:
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A Blonde in Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.
A Scotsman in a bar in Cuba
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when
a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and
orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the
whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't
you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The
man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves
him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,
"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the
man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of
whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman
says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your
big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and
says, "Secret Service!"
a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and
orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the
whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't
you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The
man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves
him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,
"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the
man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of
whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The
bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman
says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your
big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and
says, "Secret Service!"
Monday, November 15, 2010
Windshield Bug
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck
was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It .. it was only
a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck
was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It .. it was only
a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander. They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:
'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.
The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!
The Newfie won hands down.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:
'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.
The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!
The Newfie won hands down.
Computer Question.....
Now here is a challenge !
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
Try this !
So, you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are .......
WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN ? 123490=qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm
GIVE UP ?
SEE THE ANSWER BELOW !
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
Try this !
So, you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are .......
WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN ? 123490=qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm
GIVE UP ?
SEE THE ANSWER BELOW !
HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
|
Smallcox
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
|
Smallcox
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield.........
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Hooker in Las Vegas
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his
eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of
$500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off
the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of
$500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off
the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
MEN VS. WOMEN
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Stupid.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ..... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Stupid.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ..... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
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