Marriage

Marriage (Part I) Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing When I want with my old buddies, and don't you Give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?' His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.' (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************  Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'  'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!' (HE ASKED FOR IT!)              *****************************************                                                   Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no Good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and Decides to make amends and rings her up.  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!' (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) ******************************************************                      Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his Wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, Shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' (RIGHT ON, LADY!) *******************************************************      THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home And were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece Of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. **************************************** God may have created man before woman, but there Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.                                                          *****************************************Send this to folks who need a laugh!

My Road Rage Is Gone!

 

I no longer have problems with road rage. You may not have known I had issues with road rage. 
However, since I picked up my new bike people no longer seem to annoy me anymore. Maybe 
I have mellowed. Just wanted to let you know I'm over all of that now.

NOTE: Rocket launcher is on back order!

 

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TITBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............

COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,

"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," 

WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK 

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

THEN ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT

Mr. GORSKY    TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED,SO NEIL  FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. 

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO

"WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN ,NEIL WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.  HIS NEIGHBORS WERE A  MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.     

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

Irish Philosophy

It's Best To Whisper

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

WET Floor

Deep Down, he’s still one of us!

Little Johnny

Justin Trudeau & Tom MulCair were visiting a primary school in Lanark and visited a Grade 4 class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.   The teacher asked Justin Trudeau & Tom MulCair if they would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Party Leaders asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.   One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Trudeau & MulCair, "that would be an accident."   A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Trudeau & MuClair. "That's what we would call a great loss."   The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau & MulCair searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"   Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying both of you and Mrs. Trudeau & Mrs MulCair was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Trudeau & MulClair, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room.

Harley biker

Here’s one for you …………….

 

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

 

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. 
 
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.  A reporter had watched the entire event. 
 
The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' 
  
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' 
 
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow'spaper will have this story on the front page.  So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?' 
 
The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.' 

The journalist leaves. 
 
The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it contains news of his actions, and on the front page he reads: 
   “CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!” 

  ………….. and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

1 of 95

 

 

 

: Senior Trying To Set Password Jokes x Roth Fred 8:38 AM (12 hours ago) to   SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD   WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.   USER:        cabbage                                                                                                       WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.   USER:         boiled cabbage   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.   USER:        1 boiled cabbage   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.   USER:        50damnboiledcabbages   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.   USER:         50DAMNboiledcabbages   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.   USER:       50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.   USER :        ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow   WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

THE MAN OF THE HOUSE!!

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House".

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."

What turkey?'

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'    The boy replied, 'What turkey?' The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.' The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!' The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?' The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

Senior's50 Shades of Grey ..... !

After nearly 40 years of marriage, Charlie and his wife were lying in bed . . . Suddenly the wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time.. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,and then began moving down past the small of her back . . . . He then caressed her shoulders and neck,slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach . . . . He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,working down her side,passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf . . . .Then, he proceeded up her thigh,stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg . . . . He continued in the same manner on her right side .... then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent ....   As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,she asked in a loving voice.... "Honey, that was wonderful . . . . Why did you stop . . .? To which he responded.... "I found the remote. . !"

It's Best To Whisper

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them 3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dining Out 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. Entertaining In Your Home 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. Personal Hygiene 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. Dating (outside the family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.' 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.' Weddings 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack. Driving Etiquette 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records