Group

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery '. 

Whenever she calls him, and he has left his phone at home, his wife sees it and plugs it into the charger. 
Give that man a medal. 
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Government Survey 
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Canada so they can see their own doctor.
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Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.

I've called him Toronto.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that 30 seconds every 3 months is doing much for this beer belly. 

Selfie

Do you have a job?

Politician

 

Rest Your Mind

Canadian Tourist

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.    The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain  the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and  she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!   Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain  the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and  she sits on his lap.  He whispers in her ear and she screams,    No-No!"  and  quickly runs away!   The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for  something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.   She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks  a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that  anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.   They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!"  smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!   Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this  in all her years of operating a brothel.  She hasn't done the bedroom  work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she  got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another  to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.   She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry.  And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.   So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house  and she is available.  She sits and talks with him.  They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.  And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear,   "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"

suicide.

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.  Let’s have a look at the evidence:  - No Christmas - No television -No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother in law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkey - You cook over burning camel shit - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well helloooooo, Sherlock!....  It's not like it could get much worse!!

They Walk Among Us! OMG talk about stupid! ---------------------------- ...and they breed.

Traffic Camera   A man was driving when he saw the flash of a trafficcamera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..    You can't fix stupid.           My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.   They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------------    My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.   They Walk Among Us!  -------------------------------------------------   I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.)   They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------------------------     While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.   They Walk Among Us!          Dumb as a box of Rocks   TRUE STORY:   A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.   'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'   'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'   'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.   Well, you might ask , 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''   Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'   Sadly, they walk among us!