Group

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery '. 

Whenever she calls him, and he has left his phone at home, his wife sees it and plugs it into the charger. 
Give that man a medal. 
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Government Survey 
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Canada so they can see their own doctor.
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Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.

I've called him Toronto.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that 30 seconds every 3 months is doing much for this beer belly. 

Selfie

Do you have a job?

Politician

 

Rest Your Mind

Canadian Tourist

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.    The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain  the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and  she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!   Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain  the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and  she sits on his lap.  He whispers in her ear and she screams,    No-No!"  and  quickly runs away!   The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for  something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.   She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks  a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that  anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.   They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!"  smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!   Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this  in all her years of operating a brothel.  She hasn't done the bedroom  work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she  got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another  to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.   She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry.  And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.   So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house  and she is available.  She sits and talks with him.  They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.  And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear,   "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"