PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT FOR SENIORS . . .

An elderly couple were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex seven times a week
He Said: Put me down for Fridays

Persidential Bull Shit

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

I'm voting for the Pilot.

computer error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric.............

Choices you make in life

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading ..

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. HOWEVER...

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on
the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!

Wisdon from Mother Superior

98 year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother
Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then
a little more and before they knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the
last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some
wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell
that cow."

Gas Coupon

I didn't realize this but these coupons are good for one Litre of gas at
most retailers.

I have seen them around lots but never knew what they were for?

You probably have one lying around somewhere now?

Make sure to use it before it expires!!

Love the Irish

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST 'SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE' (CHILLING!)

Sixty is the worst age to be

Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man.
'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time
You stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy,
You don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives,
Eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse...
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?' ....
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00
And crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

Stretch a Dime.

Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first
day and saved the ashes.He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the thirdday and again saved the ashes.On the fourth day he gavethe ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, 'I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime.'

The other Scotsman said, 'I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and
on the second day I ate the other half.The third day I used
the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in
the skin and sewed it back up.The fifth day I took it back
to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed
with me and gave me my dime back....

Artificial Insemination

A Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he
should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they
will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass
when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try
didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and
drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep
and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them
is beeping the horn.'

Erectile disfunction at its finest.

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis Are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's Willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is.The doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's' trunk,insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never Having sex again is even scarier, so he says okay.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket,and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments,and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

Three CowBoys

THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE; WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH EACH IS FAMOUS, IT IS A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.

THE GUY FROM MONTANA SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."

THE GUY FROM TEXAS COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED.

THAT'S NOTHING, "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A BELLY ACHE."

THE COWBOY FROM NEW MEXICO REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.

Goes Without Saying

Motivation

Subject: Retinal Pigmentation Loss (RPL)

I just had my annual eye exam and the doctor gave me a new test that I can use periodically to measure the amount of retina pigmentation loss one experiences after the age of 50. This is a relatively new test.
He gave me a copy of it so I can test myself every few weeks. I asked for permission to forward it to others, and he agreed, as it was innovative and so valuable. So I am sending it to family and friends over the age of
50 (with a few special exceptions for some of my younger family and friends).