They walk among us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home.

You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk among us!
------------------------------------- 

*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

------------------------------------- 

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Real Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us! 
--------------------------------------------

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.. 

You can't fix stupid.

-------------------------------------  

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------ 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us! 
-------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

-------------------------------------  

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1 

          Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" 

          The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on         this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
       The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
          
          Understanding Engineers #2          
          To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the
            glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
          
          Understanding  Engineers #3          
          A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
             The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
          The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
          The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's
            wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
          The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always             let them play for free anytime!"
          The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
            them tonight."
          The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
          The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
          
          Understanding Engineers #4
                     What is the difference between mechanical engineers and architect?          

          Mechanical engineers build weapons,  architects build targets.
          
          Understanding Engineers #5
          
          The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
          
          The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
          
          The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
          
          The graduate with an architectural degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
          
          Understanding          Engineers #6          
          Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
          One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
          Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
          The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else  would run a toxic waste
          pipeline through a recreational area?"
          
          Understanding Engineers #7
                     Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
          have enough features yet.
          
          Understanding  Engineers #8          
          An architect was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,  "If you kiss me, I'll turn
          into a beautiful princess."
          He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
          The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you
          for one week."
          The architect took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
          The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and
          do anything you want."
          Again, the  architect took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
          Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and I’ll do anything         you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
          The architect said, "Look, I'm an architect. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
          
          And Finally
          
          Two engineers???
          
          Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
          A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
          "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
          The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape  measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
          One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
          Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of the US  Congress.

 

Now What

A Horse, A Chicken And A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.   Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.   Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!   Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.   A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.  The moral of the story? (Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)       'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

Marriage

Marriage (Part I) Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing When I want with my old buddies, and don't you Give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?' His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.' (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************  Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'  'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!' (HE ASKED FOR IT!)              *****************************************                                                   Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no Good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and Decides to make amends and rings her up.  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!' (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) ******************************************************                      Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his Wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, Shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.' (RIGHT ON, LADY!) *******************************************************      THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home And were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife To wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece Of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it Was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. **************************************** God may have created man before woman, but there Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.                                                          *****************************************Send this to folks who need a laugh!

My Road Rage Is Gone!

 

I no longer have problems with road rage. You may not have known I had issues with road rage. 
However, since I picked up my new bike people no longer seem to annoy me anymore. Maybe 
I have mellowed. Just wanted to let you know I'm over all of that now.

NOTE: Rocket launcher is on back order!

 

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TITBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............

COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,

"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," 

WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK 

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

THEN ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT

Mr. GORSKY    TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED,SO NEIL  FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. 

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO

"WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN ,NEIL WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.  HIS NEIGHBORS WERE A  MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.     

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

Irish Philosophy

It's Best To Whisper

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

WET Floor

Deep Down, he’s still one of us!

Little Johnny

Justin Trudeau & Tom MulCair were visiting a primary school in Lanark and visited a Grade 4 class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.   The teacher asked Justin Trudeau & Tom MulCair if they would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Party Leaders asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.   One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Trudeau & MulCair, "that would be an accident."   A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Trudeau & MuClair. "That's what we would call a great loss."   The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau & MulCair searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"   Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying both of you and Mrs. Trudeau & Mrs MulCair was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Trudeau & MulClair, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room.

Harley biker

Here’s one for you …………….

 

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

 

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. 
 
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.  A reporter had watched the entire event. 
 
The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' 
  
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' 
 
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow'spaper will have this story on the front page.  So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?' 
 
The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.' 

The journalist leaves. 
 
The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it contains news of his actions, and on the front page he reads: 
   “CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!” 

  ………….. and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

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: Senior Trying To Set Password Jokes x Roth Fred 8:38 AM (12 hours ago) to   SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD   WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.   USER:        cabbage                                                                                                       WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.   USER:         boiled cabbage   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.   USER:        1 boiled cabbage   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.   USER:        50damnboiledcabbages   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.   USER:         50DAMNboiledcabbages   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.   USER:       50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!   WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.   USER :        ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow   WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.