THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Doctor's around the world
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work."
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Paying attention in class
Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!"
She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"
She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Faries are Female
A MARRIED COUPLE IN THEIR EARLY 60'S WERE OUT CELEBRATING THEIR 35TH
ANNIVERSARY IN A QUIET, ROMANTIC LITTLE RESTAURANT.
SUDDENLY, A TINY BEAUTIFUL FAIRY APPEARED ON THEIR TABLE AND SAID,"FOR
BEING SUCH AN EXEMPLARY MARRIED COUPLE AND FOR BEING SO FAITHFUL TO
EACH OTHER FOR ALL THIS TIME, I WILL GRANT YOU EACH A WISH."
"OH, I WANT TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD WITH MY DARLING HUSBAND" SAID
THE WIFE."THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND POOF-TWO TICKETS FOR THE
QUEEN MARY ll LUXURY LINER APPEARED IN HER HANDS.
THEN IT WAS THE HUSBAND'S TURN. HE THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID:
"WELL, THIS IS ALL VERY ROMANTIC, BUT AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS WILL
NEVER COME AGAIN. I'M SORRY MY LOVE, BUT MY WISH IS TO HAVE A WIFE 30
YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME."
THE WIFE, AND THE FAIRY, WERE DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED, BUT A WISH IS A
WISH.... SO THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND - POOF!- THE HUSBAND
BECAME 92 YEARS OLD.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
MEN WHO ARE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS SHOULD REMEMBER FAIRIES ARE FEMALE.
ANNIVERSARY IN A QUIET, ROMANTIC LITTLE RESTAURANT.
SUDDENLY, A TINY BEAUTIFUL FAIRY APPEARED ON THEIR TABLE AND SAID,"FOR
BEING SUCH AN EXEMPLARY MARRIED COUPLE AND FOR BEING SO FAITHFUL TO
EACH OTHER FOR ALL THIS TIME, I WILL GRANT YOU EACH A WISH."
"OH, I WANT TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD WITH MY DARLING HUSBAND" SAID
THE WIFE."THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND POOF-TWO TICKETS FOR THE
QUEEN MARY ll LUXURY LINER APPEARED IN HER HANDS.
THEN IT WAS THE HUSBAND'S TURN. HE THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID:
"WELL, THIS IS ALL VERY ROMANTIC, BUT AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS WILL
NEVER COME AGAIN. I'M SORRY MY LOVE, BUT MY WISH IS TO HAVE A WIFE 30
YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME."
THE WIFE, AND THE FAIRY, WERE DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED, BUT A WISH IS A
WISH.... SO THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND - POOF!- THE HUSBAND
BECAME 92 YEARS OLD.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
MEN WHO ARE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS SHOULD REMEMBER FAIRIES ARE FEMALE.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
from old back to old
When the husband was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year- old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
The wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told him to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde to sleep with and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed watching a 10 inch black and white TV.....
The wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told him to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde to sleep with and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed watching a 10 inch black and white TV.....
Pan Handlers
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Monday, July 24, 2006
Never Argue with a woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Personal Hygene
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender, who approached her immediately.She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do? "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued,running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say."Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper,handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
The Pastor and the Donkey
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby covenant. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!
This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery... and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby covenant. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!
This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery... and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Something to think about
Something to think about
A Lady libertarian wrote a series of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in the Guantanamo Bay facility. She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20016 Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and al-Qaida detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
-- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember. we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend, Don Rumsfeld
A Lady libertarian wrote a series of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in the Guantanamo Bay facility. She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20016 Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and al-Qaida detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
-- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember. we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend, Don Rumsfeld
Sunday, July 23, 2006
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