Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's backside."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Oil Shortage in Canada
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have
an oil shortage here in Canada
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low .
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alberta
~~~
Newfoundland
~~~
Saskatchewan
and
B.C.
~~~
.
.
.
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
OTTAWA , ONTARIO
an oil shortage here in Canada
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low .
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alberta
~~~
Newfoundland
~~~
Saskatchewan
and
B.C.
~~~
.
.
.
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
OTTAWA , ONTARIO
Wishfull thinking
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Hockey In Alberta.....
Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Red Deer, Alberta, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his book.
"But I'm not a Flames Fan" the little hero replies.
"Sorry, but as we are in Alberta, I just assumed you were" says the reporter and he starts writing again.
"Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not an Oilers fan either" the little boy says
"Oh, I assumed that everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I am a Maple Leafs fan" the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard from Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet"
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his book.
"But I'm not a Flames Fan" the little hero replies.
"Sorry, but as we are in Alberta, I just assumed you were" says the reporter and he starts writing again.
"Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not an Oilers fan either" the little boy says
"Oh, I assumed that everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I am a Maple Leafs fan" the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard from Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet"
Friday, February 23, 2007
When a little pepper tequila goes a long way.
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a
few thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you
have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at
once
...
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and
then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks,
"Where ez zat tequila?"
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he
staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his
body.
"Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a
few thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you
have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at
once
...
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and
then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks,
"Where ez zat tequila?"
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he
staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his
body.
"Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The Whore and the Tax Accountant
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl"
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"OK, Chicken Farmer it is!"
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl"
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"OK, Chicken Farmer it is!"
Microsoft and GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
__
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
__
Monday, February 19, 2007
150%
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Little Johnny
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in the Catholic School .Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend, sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt."Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted..........
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend, sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt."Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted..........
The Rookie and the Biker
• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Turbo RX-7
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him 500,000 EURO. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
• The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 EURO.
• "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
• "Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
• The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
• "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
• The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
• The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 EURO.
• "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
• "Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
• The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
• "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
• The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from Vancouver, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Calgary, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Regina, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Montreal, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
The first surgeon, from Vancouver, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Calgary, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Regina, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Montreal, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
be Quiet
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?'
I guess I just panicked................"
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?'
I guess I just panicked................"
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
Monday, February 12, 2007
A Sask. Cowboy
A Sask. cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist -- and
since she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store -- there were
no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
-- and whatever it was that he needed to discuss -- he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length -- and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a
month -- plus living expenses."
pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist -- and
since she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store -- there were
no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
-- and whatever it was that he needed to discuss -- he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length -- and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a
month -- plus living expenses."
The Senior and the Ferrari
A very senior citizen won the lottery, and immediately went
and bought the fastest open-top Ferrari money could buy. He drove his brand
new speedster straight from the showroom to the nearby
motorway, where he at once took it up to 120 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the fast lane,
headlights blazing, enjoying watching Fords and Vauxhalls, not to mention Merc's
and Jaguars melt out of his path. Looking in his rear view
mirror, he laughed to see a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the
elderly boy-racer as he gleefully pushed his racer to 130 mph, then 150, then 160.
But the cars ahead weren't able to get put of his way
fast enough, so he thought, "What on earth am I doing? At my age I'm gonna die
soon enough - no need to hasten the process!" So he pulled
over to the hard shoulder and waited for the police car to
catch up.
It soon pulled in behind him. The officer walked up to
the driver's side of the Ferrari, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, I can
see you are old enough to be my grandfather, my shift ends in
10 minutes, I've got a week's leave starting tomorrow and
don't want any last-minute paperwork to delay me, so if you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The old guy looked very seriously at the policeman, and
replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you
might be bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
and bought the fastest open-top Ferrari money could buy. He drove his brand
new speedster straight from the showroom to the nearby
motorway, where he at once took it up to 120 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the fast lane,
headlights blazing, enjoying watching Fords and Vauxhalls, not to mention Merc's
and Jaguars melt out of his path. Looking in his rear view
mirror, he laughed to see a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the
elderly boy-racer as he gleefully pushed his racer to 130 mph, then 150, then 160.
But the cars ahead weren't able to get put of his way
fast enough, so he thought, "What on earth am I doing? At my age I'm gonna die
soon enough - no need to hasten the process!" So he pulled
over to the hard shoulder and waited for the police car to
catch up.
It soon pulled in behind him. The officer walked up to
the driver's side of the Ferrari, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, I can
see you are old enough to be my grandfather, my shift ends in
10 minutes, I've got a week's leave starting tomorrow and
don't want any last-minute paperwork to delay me, so if you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."
The old guy looked very seriously at the policeman, and
replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you
might be bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Herman James
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Georgia mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
New Friend
I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" . But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?". But again, there was no
answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: ...................................
wait for it...its worth it!!!!
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f****ng shoes on."
After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" . But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?". But again, there was no
answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: ...................................
wait for it...its worth it!!!!
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f****ng shoes on."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well,
damn, someone should
go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you
beer?
Well, not exactly, KC says. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You
must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.".... then I said, "I'll bet
you a case of Budweiser you are."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well,
damn, someone should
go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you
beer?
Well, not exactly, KC says. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You
must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.".... then I said, "I'll bet
you a case of Budweiser you are."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
Thursday, February 08, 2007
The Lawyer and the Duck
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this;
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old
fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this;
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old
fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Whispering Child
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No"
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."
"Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No"
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."
Vaseline Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
Bugs
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's wiener off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the wiener smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It ... it was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the wiener smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It ... it was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Sausage factory fire
One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started
inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was
engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for
miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the cente r of the
plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department
that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more
fire departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that
could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ
volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters
over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant,
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other
firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were
fighting to save their own lives Within a short time, the Lodi old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you
going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the70-year-old fire
chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on
dat fockinna truck!!"
inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was
engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for
miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the cente r of the
plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department
that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more
fire departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that
could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ
volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters
over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant,
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other
firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were
fighting to save their own lives Within a short time, the Lodi old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you
going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the70-year-old fire
chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on
dat fockinna truck!!"
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
six reasons why you should think before you speak
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go
right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a
quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean
clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one
more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go
right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a
quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean
clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one
more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Monday, February 05, 2007
Best ever Hillary Clinton Joke
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road. One evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Finally the Question is answered
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
Friday, February 02, 2007
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Men Strike Back
----- --------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)