Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Fixing Bill

Bill and Tom are two bikers working at the local bike shop.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big scissor jack.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising."

Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the bike shop. A couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on the same big scissor jack. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital once more. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, "He's out in the rehab again exercising."

And sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. The next day Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to the hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead!!"
Tom is shocked, but not surprised.

"I suppose the jack finally did him in?"

"No," says the nurse, "Some stupid bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!"

Sobriety Test

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

God Sent You

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,

"How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200

years? No wonder everyone’s so damn grouchy around here."

Going Places you Shouldn't

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . .

Smack Him again!"

Questions little girls ask

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

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"Because you got an F in sex."

Bubba and his attorney. . .

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Women and Emotions

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

Business trip or pleasure

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight toward his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up
a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs
of America Convention in ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at the convention?

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that
I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some to the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular
myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even
know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Old age and Love

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time
they they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,

Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

No further studies are planned

An Interesting But Not Too Surprising Study...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth
while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned.

New Friends

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who
was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
>with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

The Food Chain

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter,do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Happy Easter!!

Wisdoms of Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Easter and the 3 Blonds

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said 'Easter is a holiday where
they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.' St. Peter said,
'Noooooo,' and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said 'Easter is when we celebrate
Jesus' birth and exchange gifts.' St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her
to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and
St. Peter said, 'So, tell me.'
She said, 'Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested
Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... '
St. Peter said, 'Verrrrrry good.'

Then the blonde continued, 'Now, every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks
of hockey.'
St. Peter fainted.

Go Canucks Go!!!

Fluctuations in the dollar

When I got back from vacation last month
I had a bunch of U.S. dollars I needed to exchange,
so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars... he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla
for yen.
Today I get huna eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy said, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Road Rage

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid,"
I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so

Don't Laugh

Don't laugh!' said the patient, Ron.
'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Ron said, & proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whooha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been
bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet & regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor & a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Ron replied...

Polish Sausage

A guy goes to the store and asks the clerk "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

The Inheritance

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman with whom to enjoy it.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 150 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.

Gorilla in Heat

A small zoo in Cape Breton had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in Heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Larry, a redneck
part-time worker, from Sydney responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Larry, like most rednecks, hillbillies and desert rats, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Larry was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Larry showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions

1. "First", Larry said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Larry said, "I want the chil'run raised Catholic."
Once again, the Keeper agreed.

4. "And last of all, Larry stated, "You gotta give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."