The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!' 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!' Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?' Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
'What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.' On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Old Man
A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'Harry, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Harry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes
off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day,
the doctor calls Harry's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'Harry is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on
in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!
normal results. The doctor says, 'Harry, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Harry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes
off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day,
the doctor calls Harry's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'Harry is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on
in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Three Smiling Dead Guys
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."
Day at the Zoo
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
'Now...Tell him you have a headache.'
Friday, February 22, 2008
Judging Others
An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your breasts on your back?'
'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question ...
from somebody whose dick is on his face.
'Why are your breasts on your back?'
'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question ...
from somebody whose dick is on his face.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Blind Man
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint
naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"NICE TITS," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint
naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"NICE TITS," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Monday, February 18, 2008
Airplane Carry-On
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
MEN NEVER LEARN
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
MEN NEVER LEARN
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Saskatchewan and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!'
The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Saskatchewan and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!'
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Last Night on the Town
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ??. . .?WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...
TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ??. . .?WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...
TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER."
Have a nice Day
A farmer from just outside Yellow Grass ordered a high-tech milking
machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he
decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the
equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure
than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he
quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service
Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release
automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Have a nice day!²
machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he
decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the
equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure
than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he
quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service
Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release
automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Have a nice day!²
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
New use for Condoms
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store Every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, He would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
'Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?' The man looked at him in disgust and said, 'I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!' So, the druggist asked, 'Then what do you do with all those condoms?' The gentleman answered, 'I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags.'
'Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?' The man looked at him in disgust and said, 'I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!' So, the druggist asked, 'Then what do you do with all those condoms?' The gentleman answered, 'I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags.'
Monday, February 11, 2008
Taxi
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab .... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab .... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways
yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter .with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had
to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and
'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your
imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels
and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a
little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your butt and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You cou ld only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little #%??!!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to
use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways
yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter .with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had
to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and
'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your
imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels
and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a
little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your butt and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You cou ld only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little #%??!!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to
use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
The Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart then slide back together again. The boy asked "What is this Father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to flash in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened and a gorgeous 23-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son …….. "Go get your mother."
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to flash in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened and a gorgeous 23-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son …….. "Go get your mother."
Saturday, February 09, 2008
SENIOR RETORTS
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the
Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
Doctor
in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the
Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
Doctor
in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Mad Cow
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The lady:
"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease . Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, Sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer
"And, Madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
- "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The farmer:
"I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
The lady:
"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease . Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, Sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer
"And, Madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
- "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The farmer:
"I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either ."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
"God Bless America"
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either ."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
"God Bless America"
THe Gay Flight Attendant
MY FLIGHT WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT, WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE IN A GOOD MOOD AS HE SERVED US FOOD AND DRINKS.
AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND TOLD US THAT "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE
BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."
ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED THIS
WELL-DRESSED AND RATHER ARABIC LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.
"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES BUT I ASKED YOU TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE GROUND."
SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A PRINCESS AND I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."
TO WHICH (I SWEAR) THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT,
"WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY I'M CALLED A QUEEN, SO I OUTRANK YOU.
TRAY-UP, BITCH."
AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND TOLD US THAT "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE
BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."
ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED THIS
WELL-DRESSED AND RATHER ARABIC LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.
"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES BUT I ASKED YOU TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE GROUND."
SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A PRINCESS AND I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."
TO WHICH (I SWEAR) THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT,
"WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY I'M CALLED A QUEEN, SO I OUTRANK YOU.
TRAY-UP, BITCH."
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
DEAF SEX
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution. She writes, 'Honey, why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife
if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis
one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution. She writes, 'Honey, why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast
two times.'
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife
if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis
one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two
hundred and fifty times
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
World War 111 is Coming
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to the bartender and says,
'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to the bartender and says,
'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
Carolina mountain man
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Stamps
I will no longer be sending e-mails.
Thanks to the Post OfficeI am now going back to licking stamps.....
I will no longer be sending e-mails.
Thanks to the Post OfficeI am now going back to licking stamps.....
Thanks to the Post OfficeI am now going back to licking stamps.....
I will no longer be sending e-mails.
Thanks to the Post OfficeI am now going back to licking stamps.....
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Friday, February 01, 2008
Partner Shopping
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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