A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.
While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local
Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a
line service monkey, please."
The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took
out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with
the monkey.
Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.
Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required
ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no
mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well
worth the money."
With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a
Monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more Expensive! What can it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.
She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise
all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew
of Maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one
do?"
"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything
but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but
his Papers say he's a pilot."
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find
her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra!!
What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says.. .... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours ..'!!
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find
her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra!!
What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says.. .... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours ..'!!
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
Friday, August 29, 2008
New Urologist
As we age, we tend to see more of the medical establishment.
For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her
yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said... "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her
yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said... "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Drinking with a Canadian Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' ' God Bless Canada'
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' ' God Bless Canada'
Broken Penis
Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's' trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says okay.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new
equipment'.
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?'
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's' trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says okay.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new
equipment'.
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?'
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'
Thursday, August 28, 2008
DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP.......
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
Monday, August 25, 2008
No SEX since 1955?
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
" 1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in a serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
" 1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in a serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Little boy at the nude beach.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women Have boobs bigger than his mother's,so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns To tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother ,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women Have boobs bigger than his mother's,so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns To tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother ,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
( d on't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
( d on't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Golfing
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?'
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes,' but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.
She smiled and said 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.
Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to golf right- handed or left-handed?'
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?'
She said, 'Then I'm fifteen minutes late.'
quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?'
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes,' but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.
She smiled and said 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.
Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to golf right- handed or left-handed?'
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?'
She said, 'Then I'm fifteen minutes late.'
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Potentially and realistically
For a school project a young boy went up to his father
and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to
determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the Boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and
send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked,< BR>
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt.
I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!
The boy then went to his brother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... potentially.......
you and I are sitting on three million dollars...........
but realistically........
we're living with two prostitutes and a queer."
and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to
determine the difference between potentially and realistically.
Can you help me?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the Boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and
send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked,< BR>
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt.
I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!
The boy then went to his brother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... potentially.......
you and I are sitting on three million dollars...........
but realistically........
we're living with two prostitutes and a queer."
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Oral Surgeon
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist
then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'>
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist
then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'>
Walking Eagle !!!!
Premier Gordon Campbell of B.C. was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C..........
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed 'YES' - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Campbell . They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed 'YES' - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Campbell . They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
That's Love
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
reverse first aid
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Birth Control
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.' 'That will work,' said the counselor, 'if you keep a good record.'
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth control pills,' she said. Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her that should also work.He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.'
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'
He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?'
She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers....
There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.' 'That will work,' said the counselor, 'if you keep a good record.'
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth control pills,' she said. Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her that should also work.He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.'
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'
He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?'
She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers....
BaseBall
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's out side."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's out side."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
DRIVING WITH GRANDPA
A FRIEND, WHO WORKED AWAY FROM HOME ALL WEEK,
ALWAYS MADE A SPECIAL EFFORT WITH HIS FAMILY ON THE WEEKENDS.
EVERY SUNDAY MORNING HE WOULD TAKE HIS 7 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER
OUT FOR A DRIVE IN THE CAR FOR
SOME BONDING TIME, JUST HE AND HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER.
ONE WEEK IN PARTICULAR HE CAME HOME SICK,
AND ON SUNDAY HE WAS STILL BATTLING A BAD COLD
AND REALLY DIDN''T FEEL UP TO GOING OUT FOR A DRIVE AT ALL.
LUCKILY, HIS WIFE CAME TO THE RESCUE AND SAID THAT
SHE WOULD TAKE THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER OUT.
WHEN THEY RETURNED, THE LITTLE GIRL ANXIOUSLY
RAN UPSTAIRS TO SEE HER GRANDFATHER.
'WELL, DID YOU ENJOY YOUR RIDE WITH GRANDMA ?
YES, GRANDPA' THE GIRL REPLIED,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE DUMB BASTARD,
OR A LOUSY SHIT HEAD,
OR SON OF A BITCH,
OR CRAZY ASSHOLE
ANYWHERE WE WENT TODAY !
BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT?
ALWAYS MADE A SPECIAL EFFORT WITH HIS FAMILY ON THE WEEKENDS.
EVERY SUNDAY MORNING HE WOULD TAKE HIS 7 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER
OUT FOR A DRIVE IN THE CAR FOR
SOME BONDING TIME, JUST HE AND HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER.
ONE WEEK IN PARTICULAR HE CAME HOME SICK,
AND ON SUNDAY HE WAS STILL BATTLING A BAD COLD
AND REALLY DIDN''T FEEL UP TO GOING OUT FOR A DRIVE AT ALL.
LUCKILY, HIS WIFE CAME TO THE RESCUE AND SAID THAT
SHE WOULD TAKE THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER OUT.
WHEN THEY RETURNED, THE LITTLE GIRL ANXIOUSLY
RAN UPSTAIRS TO SEE HER GRANDFATHER.
'WELL, DID YOU ENJOY YOUR RIDE WITH GRANDMA ?
YES, GRANDPA' THE GIRL REPLIED,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE DUMB BASTARD,
OR A LOUSY SHIT HEAD,
OR SON OF A BITCH,
OR CRAZY ASSHOLE
ANYWHERE WE WENT TODAY !
BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT?
Friday, August 08, 2008
HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?
I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to
see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, 'If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?
''NO!' , the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
>neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued,
'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN' DEAD.
see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, 'If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?
''NO!' , the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
>neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued,
'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN' DEAD.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
Manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner wit h a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
At the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
Your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
Hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
Manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner wit h a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
At the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
Your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
Hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Blonds - what can I say
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There’s a way of making the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “I just want to sell it any way I can.”
“OK,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
A few weeks after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
The brunette told her, “There’s a way of making the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “I just want to sell it any way I can.”
“OK,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
A few weeks after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
Two Ways to Look at Things
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes', I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God' says my wife. 'Who would think a person would go on
celebrating that long.'
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything ....
I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes', I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God' says my wife. 'Who would think a person would go on
celebrating that long.'
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything ....
Saturday, August 02, 2008
OLD LOVE
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'
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