A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,

"Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride."
At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily,
"Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!"

The California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents. As it turned out, drivers were losing control and
running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant women's pubis displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous pubis and
came upon the tracks of a young hairdresser named Nelly Node. Nelly's passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the zoomed picture on her Volkswagen Beetle. Nelly decided to use such a shameless method to prepare her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. The witty student's idea worked for the college professors.

She was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the CHP arrested
the woman. The court ruled that Nelly's car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. She had to paint over her car's hood.

Here's a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.

Meet Marvin, Men's Answer to Maxine!!!

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
--------- --------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until . . .
they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

Retirement Job at Wal-Mart

As my retirement investments have taken such a beating this last year I thought I should look for some supplement income.

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-spirited woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."

Thought of the Day

'No woman will ever be truly satisfied,
because no man will ever have
a chocolate penis that ejaculates money.'

With age comes wisdom.

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

Again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me & I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious & jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, & placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the
appropriate time in the process, it told him he would now need to enter
a password. Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock
effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying
in:

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...




His wife (as wives do) fell out of her
chair laughing when the computer replied


***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG
ENOUGH*

anal glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'So, what's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'And what the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I just can't see my ass coming into work today.'

I Know My Rights

Dog for Sale!

Even if you don't own a dog at present,
you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.

Read her sales pitch below...


Dog For Sale

Free to good home.

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more thieves, murderers,
or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:

Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
' Priest:
'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man:
'What sins?'
Priest:
'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man:
'I'm Jewish.'
Priest:
'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man:
'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you
need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with
the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel
better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring
you down, and that's when you realize…

you’ve been listening to your iPod.

Sex Problems

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Beer Diet

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?

It's for Peckerheads.

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him,

'What the f*&k do you want?'

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
'Ahhhhh, Air Canada. '

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls,
being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

A winter statistic

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A
SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER
AND WATCH THIS."

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Confessions of a Former Walmart Greeter

Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first shift on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store, through the "out" doors, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. 'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Questions and Answers from a CARP Forum (Canadian Association of Retired Persons)

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in
the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and
all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a
problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Body Found

Today, police found an
unidentified man's body in a
park nearby. They describe
him as having a Beer Belly,
Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.

I was just checking to make
sure that you are okay.

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm
black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can
remember about that fucking party, you're lucky you don't
bark!

Nut Shot

Free Condom

A Redneck and his Dog;

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The redneck said it was his.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!' (You gotta love this)

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

The Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well....my job is done. Your turn.

Cops and Cattle

RCMP and Rancher

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with
an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect
your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have
the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching
into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge
means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself
clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and
sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close
behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is
gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly
terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of his lungs................
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

worth another read

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER WE THINK THEY'RE NUTS!

Urologist exam

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist
as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on
your
left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and
say,99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor says, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with
your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep
it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three'.

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air,and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The
woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget.'

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day.He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

A SMART WOMAN

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or
4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick readily agreed.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,

Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick the dragon slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to the King & Queen's chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick could have cared less about paying Horatio, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick........................................

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

Service

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.


BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

AMAZING HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE
A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Women are Smarter then Men

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Free advice fir iver 50's

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Grandpa

deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother 'don't eat it, it's an asshole!!'

VANCOUVER ISLAND__ DECLARES CIVIL EMERGENCY_

For all you non-Islanders, we have had 70cm of snow in the past week. The snow is not an issue for most of us, but if fell on the golf courses too which is a very serious problem. The following is a blow-by-blow report of the current extreme weather conditions on Vancouver Island (BC)

_ 6:22_ AM - Temperature plunges to -8.3C. Word spreads that a Comox resident finds ice on the windshield of his Beamer. Curious neighbours gather to watch him scrape if off with his Gold Master Card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of the mysterious "defrost" switch on the dashboard of the car can aid in the process.

_ 9:30 AM_ - Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, cricket bats, mashies and nibliks, umbrellas, cookie sheets and boogie boards.

_10:00 AM_ - Golfers at Qualicum's Memorial Golf Club, have broken into the ladies locker room where the ladies' bridge club store their card tables, and are now strapping the card tables to the front of their golf cards in order to clear the fairways and greens. The Pro has sanctioned the use of orange balls.

_ Noon_ - Elementary schools call in grief counselors. Grief counselors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires (tyres)

_ 2:30PM_ Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of female driven SUV four-wheel drive vehicles abandoned by side of road, still in 2 wheel drive mode. When questioned, one female SUV owner asked "what's four wheel drive?"

_2:50 PM_ Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel between Island and the ROTW (rest of the world). Victoria newspaper Times-Colonist headline reads "Mainland cut of from Civilization"

_ 3:00 PM_ Nanaimo-Parksville Conservative Member of Parliament, James Lunney phones Prime Minister Harper asking for financial assistance. PM replies "foreign aid budget all allocated for 2008"

_3:10 PM_ Same MP phones Peter Mackay Minister of Defence asking for assistance from Canada's DART rapid-response military team. Minister replies they will be on the ground in Parksville as early as July 2009, or sooner if they can rent a suitable aircraft from Brazil.

_ 3:30 PM_ BC Lottery Corp. responds to emergency by installing slot machines in Nanaimo homeless shelter _ 4:15 PM_ Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting at grocery stores in Victoria, except for Oak Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them _ 5:40 PM_ TV weatherman Ed Bain in Victoria, shaking uncontrollably tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plunges to Winnipeg-in-August temperatures. Martial law is declared and Premier Campbell has called an emergency meeting of his cabinet on the main deck of HMCS Protecteur where an emergency command centre will be established as soon as they dock in Honolulu.

_6:00PM_ The sidewalks are rolled up and you retreat to your parlours with your mulled wine.

Question - Answer

Question - When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan what does that Government give you?

Answer - A map of Canada

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm agraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way wo the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do,' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. 'I
have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything!'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) You know
you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day! ;-)