Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
OUCH
After being married for thirty years ... a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better !!!
He looked at her slowly ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better !!!
Two little kids
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says “ I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “ You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “ Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says “ I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “ You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “ Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”
foot prints for you
.oooO
( ) Oooo.
\ ( ( )
\__) ) /
(__/
Many people will walk in and out of your life but only
a true friend will leave footprints on your computer!
Forward this message to 8 other people.......
and you will get......
Fuck all !
That's right - Fuck all !!!!
You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand, or a fucking holiday in Jamaica, just Fuck all..... it's true....... it works.....!
I sent it and I got........
Fuck all!
Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these things that actually works!
So send it and get Fuck all.
It's brilliant!
( ) Oooo.
\ ( ( )
\__) ) /
(__/
Many people will walk in and out of your life but only
a true friend will leave footprints on your computer!
Forward this message to 8 other people.......
and you will get......
Fuck all !
That's right - Fuck all !!!!
You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand, or a fucking holiday in Jamaica, just Fuck all..... it's true....... it works.....!
I sent it and I got........
Fuck all!
Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these things that actually works!
So send it and get Fuck all.
It's brilliant!
ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding
night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked,
Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said;
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you
have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said,
"Mission Accomplished."
night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked,
Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said;
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you
have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said,
"Mission Accomplished."
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
I MET MY NEW DOCTOR!
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh.t.'
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
if you were down south
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Wife Tails
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your
money or life... The wives want both!
Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to
get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.
Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling
single again.
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she
love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.
It takes thousand workers to build a castle, Million soldiers to protect
a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good
Maid!
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them
money or life... The wives want both!
Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to
get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.
Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!
Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling
single again.
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she
love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.
It takes thousand workers to build a castle, Million soldiers to protect
a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good
Maid!
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them
Taxi Driver
Went to India recently for the commonwealth games, I saw on the back of
a Taxi a sign that said : English speaking Taxi driver. I thought, what
a good idea, why don't we have them in our flipping country??
a Taxi a sign that said : English speaking Taxi driver. I thought, what
a good idea, why don't we have them in our flipping country??
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Prince Charles and the Hooker
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...........
Because he said ....
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Communication problems?
It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.
He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."
Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right??
He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."
Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right??
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