little jokes

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery '. 

Whenever she calls him, and he has left his phone at home, his wife sees it and plugs it into the charger. 
Give that man a medal. 
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Government Survey 
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Canada so they can see their own doctor.
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Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.

I've called him Toronto.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that 30 seconds every 3 months is doing much for this beer belly. 

proof of global warming

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: Political Correctness Jokes x Roth Fred Dec 18 (5 days ago) to Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as     'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.   And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN  AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. '   2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'   3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'   4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'   5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'   6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'     HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN  AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:   1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'   2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'   3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'   4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'   5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' (Loved this one!)   6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.' (Loved this one even more)

Getting Older

Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently.         After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to  see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.   After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which  waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.   I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".   I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

Meds

If My Body Was A Car

This is just Too funny - scary how true it is!!! 
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus,
And it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

 

2015 in a Nutshell

 

 

WELCOME to 2015:

 

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

 

We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,

 

And our Leaders are WORTHLESS!

 

I'm scared - SHITLESS

Senior trying to set password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case  character.

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. 

Your First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish..

Your First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish.......... A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.  "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.  "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".  Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she  shouts, "I'll take care of this".   She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,  DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

A Chicken Farmer....

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Fluctuations

 

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
   
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat  dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
   
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." 

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"  

They walk among us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home.

You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk among us!
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*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Real Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us! 
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Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.. 

You can't fix stupid.

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us! 
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

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Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1 

          Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" 

          The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on         this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
       The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
          
          Understanding Engineers #2          
          To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the
            glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
          
          Understanding  Engineers #3          
          A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
             The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
          The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
          The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's
            wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
          The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always             let them play for free anytime!"
          The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
            them tonight."
          The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
          The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
          
          Understanding Engineers #4
                     What is the difference between mechanical engineers and architect?          

          Mechanical engineers build weapons,  architects build targets.
          
          Understanding Engineers #5
          
          The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
          
          The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
          
          The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
          
          The graduate with an architectural degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
          
          Understanding          Engineers #6          
          Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
          One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
          Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
          The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else  would run a toxic waste
          pipeline through a recreational area?"
          
          Understanding Engineers #7
                     Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
          have enough features yet.
          
          Understanding  Engineers #8          
          An architect was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,  "If you kiss me, I'll turn
          into a beautiful princess."
          He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
          The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you
          for one week."
          The architect took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
          The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and
          do anything you want."
          Again, the  architect took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
          Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and I’ll do anything         you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
          The architect said, "Look, I'm an architect. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
          
          And Finally
          
          Two engineers???
          
          Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
          A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
          "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
          The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape  measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
          One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
          Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of the US  Congress.

 

Now What

A Horse, A Chicken And A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.   Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.   Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!   Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.   A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.  The moral of the story? (Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)       'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"