little jokes

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery '. 

Whenever she calls him, and he has left his phone at home, his wife sees it and plugs it into the charger. 
Give that man a medal. 
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Government Survey 
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Canada so they can see their own doctor.
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Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.

I've called him Toronto.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that 30 seconds every 3 months is doing much for this beer belly. 

proof of global warming

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: Political Correctness Jokes x Roth Fred Dec 18 (5 days ago) to Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as     'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.   And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN  AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. '   2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'   3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'   4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'   5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'   6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'     HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN  AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:   1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'   2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'   3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'   4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'   5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' (Loved this one!)   6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.' (Loved this one even more)

Getting Older

Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently.         After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to  see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.   After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which  waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.   I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".   I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

Meds

If My Body Was A Car

This is just Too funny - scary how true it is!!! 
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus,
And it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

 

2015 in a Nutshell

 

 

WELCOME to 2015:

 

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

 

We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,

 

And our Leaders are WORTHLESS!

 

I'm scared - SHITLESS