Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
It's all in the name
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
Friday, June 20, 2008
The Farmer went to a movie
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE............
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, 'SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?'
THE OLD FARMER SAID, 'THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.'
'I'M SORRY SIR,' SAID THE TICKET AGENT. 'WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.'
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
'MARGE,' WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WHAT?' SAID MARGE.
'I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.'
'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?' ASKED MARGE.
'HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT', WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT', SAID MARGE. 'HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL'
'I THOUGHT SO TOO', SAID MILDRED,
'BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!!'
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, 'SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?'
THE OLD FARMER SAID, 'THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.'
'I'M SORRY SIR,' SAID THE TICKET AGENT. 'WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.'
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
'MARGE,' WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WHAT?' SAID MARGE.
'I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.'
'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?' ASKED MARGE.
'HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT', WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT', SAID MARGE. 'HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL'
'I THOUGHT SO TOO', SAID MILDRED,
'BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!!'
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Just a suggestion... I kinda like the idea!!
OPEC sells us oil for $136 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy grain at $7 a bushel.
Solution: Sell our grain for $136 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough shit! Eat your oil!
It ought to go well with a nice thick grilled fillet of camel ass!
OPEC nations buy grain at $7 a bushel.
Solution: Sell our grain for $136 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough shit! Eat your oil!
It ought to go well with a nice thick grilled fillet of camel ass!
LIVER & CHEESE
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
(ok this is good)
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
(ok this is good)
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Doc's on Holidays
A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow
and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all my patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole, how was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX,
sir,' says Ole.
Bravo, bravo!
You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table
and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two
years!!
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow
and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all my patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole, how was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX,
sir,' says Ole.
Bravo, bravo!
You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table
and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two
years!!
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
Pepsi and Viagra
Pfizer Announcement Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO!
request for a raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
Monday, June 16, 2008
RETIREMENT is DIFFERENT for EVERYONE
One day, while going to the store,
I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual,
but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes,
& they're having a yard sale.'Sunday, June 15, 2008
Jews in Mexico
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day.
Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from
the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no
Mexican Jews."
Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter,
realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again,
senor!" and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no
Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asks again. "I just can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews!"
"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, " All we have is
Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews."
And Yet Another Blond Joke
A blonde, recently hired, began her first day at the office this morning. Hoping to integrate well into the office environment and eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she offered to go out and buy coffee for everyone .
She grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby Tim Hortons.
She held up the thermos so that the server behind the counter could view it and she asked, 'Is this thermos big enough to hold six cu ps of coffee?'
The server looked at the container and said, 'Yes. It looks like about six cups to me.'
'Oh good!', the blonde sighed in relief,
'Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf.'
She grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby Tim Hortons.
She held up the thermos so that the server behind the counter could view it and she asked, 'Is this thermos big enough to hold six cu ps of coffee?'
The server looked at the container and said, 'Yes. It looks like about six cups to me.'
'Oh good!', the blonde sighed in relief,
'Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf.'
A firefighter
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when
he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said
with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little
partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren.
he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said
with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little
partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
June 30, $100 Rebate
The provincial government is sending each and every one of us a $100 rebate for the carbon tax.
If we spend that money at WalMart, the money will go to the U.S.
If we spend it on gas, it will go to the Arabs or Alberta.
If we purchase a computer, it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan or Korea or Europe.
If we purchase useless junk, it will go to China and none of it will help the B.C. economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and marijuana, since these are the only products still produced here in B.C.
Thank you for your help and support,
Gordon Campbell
Premier of British Columbia
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?' Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!' Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?' Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.' Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.' Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?' Guy: 'You better believe it!' Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, rememb er?' Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.' Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.' Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.' Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about Drugs?' Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?' Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.' Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?' Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Ooooh, you ain't gonna like Fridays
Satan: 'Why so glum?' Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!' Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?' Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.' Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.' Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?' Guy: 'You better believe it!' Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, rememb er?' Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.' Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.' Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.' Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about Drugs?' Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?' Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.' Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?' Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Ooooh, you ain't gonna like Fridays
Black Panties....LOL!!
Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise. Their first night there,
she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the
same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!'
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise. Their first night there,
she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the
same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!'
Satan and the old man
Church was in full swing... Pews were packed. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Little old lady
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip
in one of the bags,and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Damn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see
if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot
of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge cli pper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, '$20 or
off it comes!' '
"Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Ok, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip
in one of the bags,and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Damn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see
if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot
of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge cli pper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, '$20 or
off it comes!' '
"Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Ok, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on
the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed that
the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started
and have never finished. So, I looked around my house to see all the things
I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder
of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and
a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on
the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed that
the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started
and have never finished. So, I looked around my house to see all the things
I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder
of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and
a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Don't Poke Him In Church!
A couple was sitting in church. The man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked: "Who created the Earth and man?"
The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"
The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"
Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"
The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"
The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"
Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"
The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Ole and Sven and two Swedish Girls
Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have two Swedish girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.
One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven says, 'Dunno, but I'm drunk enuf to ast. Let's go!'
They arrive at the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.
Lena answers and says, 'Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!'
Ole barely gets in the door when he demands, 'Vee yoost come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us.'
Lena is shocked by this and immediately throws them out, slamming the door with a bang!
Ole is persistent. He knocks on the door again.
Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's them and says, 'Ole, if you're gonna be so rude and forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole.'
Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, 'OK, ven you girls gonna make out vit us?'
Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, 'Vell... Ole, vut did she say?'
Ole says, 'Vell, I tink she said.... FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again.'
One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven says, 'Dunno, but I'm drunk enuf to ast. Let's go!'
They arrive at the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.
Lena answers and says, 'Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!'
Ole barely gets in the door when he demands, 'Vee yoost come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us.'
Lena is shocked by this and immediately throws them out, slamming the door with a bang!
Ole is persistent. He knocks on the door again.
Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's them and says, 'Ole, if you're gonna be so rude and forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole.'
Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, 'OK, ven you girls gonna make out vit us?'
Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, 'Vell... Ole, vut did she say?'
Ole says, 'Vell, I tink she said.... FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again.'
Monday, June 09, 2008
Saskatchewan Salesman !!!
A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Vancouver and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
'Just one' says the kid.
The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says $101,237.65'.
The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
'Just one' says the kid.
The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says $101,237.65'.
The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Fred and Esther and $50
Frank and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Frank would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Frank, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Frank went to the fair, and Frank said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Frank that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Frank and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Frank and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Frank replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Friday, June 06, 2008
Two Newfies
Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says,'You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we'll have no beer'. 'No way,' says the second. 'By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food. ''I promise I won't,' says the first Newfie. 'Just hurry!'
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells,'
I knew it!!!!! I'm not fucking going!!!!'
The first Newfie turns to the second and says,'You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we'll have no beer'. 'No way,' says the second. 'By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food. ''I promise I won't,' says the first Newfie. 'Just hurry!'
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells,'
I knew it!!!!! I'm not fucking going!!!!'
Viagra and the Dentist
A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist
then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist
then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Sisters ya got to love them
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
Commerce in Las Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."
Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."
The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."
Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."
The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."
An actual letter to the passport office (hysterical)
Dear Sir/Madam, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guy do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(fuckin' morons).
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate fucking Citizen.
P. S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
However, I have to get someone important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA !
thank you, David Pidcock
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guy do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(fuckin' morons).
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate fucking Citizen.
P. S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
However, I have to get someone important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA !
thank you, David Pidcock
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Golfing
A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is
this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing
to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how
well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,
"I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie speaks to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole
on the green.
The golfer, delighted, looked at the robot and thanked him for his a
assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he
decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his
advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever
played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How
was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I
ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering, he looked at the man behind the counter and said, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies,
please."
The gentleman from behind the counter looked back at the man and said,
"Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the
robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting
off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show
up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and
the other is running for President."
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is
this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing
to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how
well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,
"I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie speaks to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole
on the green.
The golfer, delighted, looked at the robot and thanked him for his a
assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he
decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his
advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever
played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How
was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I
ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering, he looked at the man behind the counter and said, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies,
please."
The gentleman from behind the counter looked back at the man and said,
"Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the
robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting
off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show
up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and
the other is running for President."
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
The Urinal Is Too High ..
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE
Okay, this was just too funny not to share...
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Canadian Tire. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Canadian Tire. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Tetanus shot
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,
'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,
'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
Monday, June 02, 2008
Drive Home from a party
A wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
A heart breaking story!
Firefighters from the Columbus, Oh. area, all joined
in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in
steel fence. It took several hours to extract her
from her predicament.
Fire Chief Frank said, 'This was a pretty tough
rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with
a plan to safely extract her from the fence.'
Although the girl's entrapment was never life
threatening it did take careful planning and gentle
handling to safely remove her.
She was taken to an area hospital where she was
examined and released.
Poor thing, when I first saw this picture it just
about broke my heart!
I just wanted to reach out and help her !
in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in
steel fence. It took several hours to extract her
from her predicament.
Fire Chief Frank said, 'This was a pretty tough
rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with
a plan to safely extract her from the fence.'
Although the girl's entrapment was never life
threatening it did take careful planning and gentle
handling to safely remove her.
She was taken to an area hospital where she was
examined and released.
Poor thing, when I first saw this picture it just
about broke my heart!
I just wanted to reach out and help her !
Saturday, May 31, 2008
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT FOR SENIORS . . .
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex seven times a week
He Said: Put me down for Fridays
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex seven times a week
He Said: Put me down for Fridays
Persidential Bull Shit
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
I'm voting for the Pilot.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
I'm voting for the Pilot.
Friday, May 30, 2008
computer error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric.............
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric.............
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Choices you make in life
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading ..
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. HOWEVER...
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on
the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading ..
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. HOWEVER...
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on
the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
Wisdon from Mother Superior
98 year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother
Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then
a little more and before they knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the
last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some
wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell
that cow."
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother
Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then
a little more and before they knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the
last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some
wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell
that cow."
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Gas Coupon
I didn't realize this but these coupons are good for one Litre of gas at
most retailers.
I have seen them around lots but never knew what they were for?
You probably have one lying around somewhere now?
Make sure to use it before it expires!!
most retailers.
I have seen them around lots but never knew what they were for?
You probably have one lying around somewhere now?
Make sure to use it before it expires!!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Love the Irish
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous,drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Sixty is the worst age to be
Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man.
'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time
You stand there and nothing comes out.'
'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy,
You don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives,
Eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse...
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?' ....
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00
And crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time
You stand there and nothing comes out.'
'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy,
You don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives,
Eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse...
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?' ....
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00
And crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Stretch a Dime.
Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first
day and saved the ashes.He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the thirdday and again saved the ashes.On the fourth day he gavethe ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, 'I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime.'
The other Scotsman said, 'I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and
on the second day I ate the other half.The third day I used
the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in
the skin and sewed it back up.The fifth day I took it back
to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed
with me and gave me my dime back....
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first
day and saved the ashes.He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the thirdday and again saved the ashes.On the fourth day he gavethe ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, 'I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime.'
The other Scotsman said, 'I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and
on the second day I ate the other half.The third day I used
the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in
the skin and sewed it back up.The fifth day I took it back
to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed
with me and gave me my dime back....
Friday, May 23, 2008
Artificial Insemination
A Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he
should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they
will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass
when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try
didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and
drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep
and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them
is beeping the horn.'
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he
should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they
will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass
when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try
didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them
back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and
drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep
and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the
sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them
is beeping the horn.'
Erectile disfunction at its finest.
Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis Are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's Willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is.The doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's' trunk,insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never Having sex again is even scarier, so he says okay.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket,and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments,and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis Are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's Willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is.The doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's' trunk,insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never Having sex again is even scarier, so he says okay.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.
Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket,and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments,and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?' With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Three CowBoys
THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE; WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH EACH IS FAMOUS, IT IS A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.
THE GUY FROM MONTANA SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."
THE GUY FROM TEXAS COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED.
THAT'S NOTHING, "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A BELLY ACHE."
THE COWBOY FROM NEW MEXICO REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.
THE GUY FROM MONTANA SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."
THE GUY FROM TEXAS COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED.
THAT'S NOTHING, "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A BELLY ACHE."
THE COWBOY FROM NEW MEXICO REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Subject: Retinal Pigmentation Loss (RPL)
I just had my annual eye exam and the doctor gave me a new test that I can use periodically to measure the amount of retina pigmentation loss one experiences after the age of 50. This is a relatively new test.
He gave me a copy of it so I can test myself every few weeks. I asked for permission to forward it to others, and he agreed, as it was innovative and so valuable. So I am sending it to family and friends over the age of
50 (with a few special exceptions for some of my younger family and friends).
He gave me a copy of it so I can test myself every few weeks. I asked for permission to forward it to others, and he agreed, as it was innovative and so valuable. So I am sending it to family and friends over the age of
50 (with a few special exceptions for some of my younger family and friends).
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
The Pastor needs another raise
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise.After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6
children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold
another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of
yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose
from his chair and spoke, Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back
pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail
voice, Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers. The entire congregation said, Amen!
and asked for a raise.After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6
children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold
another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of
yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose
from his chair and spoke, Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back
pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail
voice, Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers. The entire congregation said, Amen!
Things you can look forward to in old age.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SH1T" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Canter.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SH1T" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Canter.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
Good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
You were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
Tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by
Saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am
Sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
The dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
Good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to s hake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
Hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted
Good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if
You were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
Tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by
Saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am
Sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
The dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
Good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to s hake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
Hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
husband and wife shopping
A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...
'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, IT'S HALF THE PRICE'!
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...
'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, IT'S HALF THE PRICE'!
The Blonde and the Peach Farmer
Peaches for Sale
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."
The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."
The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Peggy Sue's Mother
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960.
Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to Screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued.
'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd Screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.
A moment later Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
'Twist! Mom!'she angrily yelled to the mother in the kitchen.
'The f****n dance is called the 'Twist.'
Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to Screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued.
'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd Screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.
A moment later Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
'Twist! Mom!'she angrily yelled to the mother in the kitchen.
'The f****n dance is called the 'Twist.'
Breaking News:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I recently found a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, fishing or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a sh!t?"
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, fishing or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a sh!t?"
Bubba and Clem
One day, Clem was walking down Main Street when he
saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba
pulled up to him with a wide grin.
'Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?'
'Bobby Sue gave it to me' Bubba replied..
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?'
'Well, Clem, let me tell you what happened. We were
driving out on County Road 6, in the middle
of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the
road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into
the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all
her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!'
'Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit ya'!'
saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba
pulled up to him with a wide grin.
'Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?'
'Bobby Sue gave it to me' Bubba replied..
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?'
'Well, Clem, let me tell you what happened. We were
driving out on County Road 6, in the middle
of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the
road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into
the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all
her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!'
'Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit ya'!'
The Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
Friday, May 09, 2008
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are having a drink in a bar on holiday.
'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'
'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'
'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house.'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself personally....no!', said the Irishman.
'But it did happen to me sister.'
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'
'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'
'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house.'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims,
but he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself personally....no!', said the Irishman.
'But it did happen to me sister.'
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' ........
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' ........
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Toilet Pain
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.'
What's all the screaming about in there?' he yells. 'You're scaring my customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet,' slurs the drunk, 'and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts .'
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, 'You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.'
What's all the screaming about in there?' he yells. 'You're scaring my customers!'
'I'm just sitting here on the toilet,' slurs the drunk, 'and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts .'
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, 'You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Big Ugly Biker
This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
'That's really cool, where did you get him?'
'Sturgis.' Replied the parrot, 'They're all over the friggin place!'
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
'That's really cool, where did you get him?'
'Sturgis.' Replied the parrot, 'They're all over the friggin place!'
Friday, May 02, 2008
The Blond and the Drunk
A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him
with breasts size 44DD'S.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides
it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes
over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!
He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.
'Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......
A LICKER LICENSE!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',
She volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we Knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the
Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',
She volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we Knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the
Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
Farmer John
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John call ed the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
" I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erect a sign that said:
! < /I>
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone. ! The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John call ed the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
" I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erect a sign that said:
! < /I>
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone. ! The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
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