For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'
Monday, February 09, 2009
MY Living Will
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
" I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Ear Infection
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Who is your real friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
GETTING OLD
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the
beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
Remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
Florida
Adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After
a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered
'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say
'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
remembering what she said, he called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
Meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Spruce Creek South , 'I just
bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, from a Dell Webb Community, went to the
doctor at the local Medical
Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking
Down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
Really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be
cheerful.', Morris replied.
To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
Heart murmur, be careful!'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice
cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up
onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress
asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the
beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
Remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
Florida
Adult community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After
a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered
'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say
'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
remembering what she said, he called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
Meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Spruce Creek South , 'I just
bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, from a Dell Webb Community, went to the
doctor at the local Medical
Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking
Down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
Really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be
cheerful.', Morris replied.
To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
Heart murmur, be careful!'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice
cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up
onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress
asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Three Explorers Choose Their Deaths
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,
"So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says,
"So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*********! **********************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15! Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*********! **********************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15! Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,
"Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride."
At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily,
"Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,
"Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride."
At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily,
"Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!"
The California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents. As it turned out, drivers were losing control and
running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant women's pubis displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous pubis and
came upon the tracks of a young hairdresser named Nelly Node. Nelly's passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the zoomed picture on her Volkswagen Beetle. Nelly decided to use such a shameless method to prepare her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. The witty student's idea worked for the college professors.
She was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the CHP arrested
the woman. The court ruled that Nelly's car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. She had to paint over her car's hood.
Here's a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.
running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant women's pubis displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous pubis and
came upon the tracks of a young hairdresser named Nelly Node. Nelly's passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the zoomed picture on her Volkswagen Beetle. Nelly decided to use such a shameless method to prepare her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. The witty student's idea worked for the college professors.
She was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the CHP arrested
the woman. The court ruled that Nelly's car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. She had to paint over her car's hood.
Here's a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.
Meet Marvin, Men's Answer to Maxine!!!
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
--------- --------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until . . .
they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
Retirement Job at Wal-Mart
As my retirement investments have taken such a beating this last year I thought I should look for some supplement income.
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-spirited woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-spirited woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker."
Thought of the Day
'No woman will ever be truly satisfied,
because no man will ever have
a chocolate penis that ejaculates money.'
because no man will ever have
a chocolate penis that ejaculates money.'
With age comes wisdom.
A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
Again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me & I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious & jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, & placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
Again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me & I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious & jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, & placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the
appropriate time in the process, it told him he would now need to enter
a password. Something he would use to log-on.
Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock
effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying
in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife (as wives do) fell out of her
chair laughing when the computer replied
***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG
ENOUGH*
appropriate time in the process, it told him he would now need to enter
a password. Something he would use to log-on.
Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock
effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious
to his wife that he was keying
in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife (as wives do) fell out of her
chair laughing when the computer replied
***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG
ENOUGH*
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
anal glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'So, what's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'And what the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I just can't see my ass coming into work today.'
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Dog for Sale!
Even if you don't own a dog at present,
you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.
Read her sales pitch below...
Dog For Sale
Free to good home.
Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more thieves, murderers,
or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.
you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.
Read her sales pitch below...
Dog For Sale
Free to good home.
Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more thieves, murderers,
or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
' Priest:
'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man:
'What sins?'
Priest:
'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man:
'I'm Jewish.'
Priest:
'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man:
'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'
The following conversation ensues:
Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
' Priest:
'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man:
'What sins?'
Priest:
'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man:
'I'm Jewish.'
Priest:
'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man:
'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you
need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with
the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel
better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring
you down, and that's when you realize…
you’ve been listening to your iPod.
need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with
the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel
better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring
you down, and that's when you realize…
you’ve been listening to your iPod.
Sex Problems
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him,
'What the f*&k do you want?'
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
'Ahhhhh, Air Canada. '
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him,
'What the f*&k do you want?'
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
'Ahhhhh, Air Canada. '
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
A winter statistic
98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A
SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER
AND WATCH THIS."
SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER
AND WATCH THIS."
YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
Confessions of a Former Walmart Greeter
Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first shift on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store, through the "out" doors, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. 'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work . . . . . . . . . . . . .
About two hours into my first shift on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store, through the "out" doors, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. 'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Questions and Answers from a CARP Forum (Canadian Association of Retired Persons)
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in
the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and
all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a
problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in
the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and
all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a
problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Body Found
Today, police found an
unidentified man's body in a
park nearby. They describe
him as having a Beer Belly,
Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make
sure that you are okay.
unidentified man's body in a
park nearby. They describe
him as having a Beer Belly,
Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.
I was just checking to make
sure that you are okay.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
A Redneck and his Dog;
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The redneck said it was his.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!' (You gotta love this)
The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The redneck said it was his.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!' (You gotta love this)
The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."
The Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well....my job is done. Your turn.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well....my job is done. Your turn.
Cops and Cattle
RCMP and Rancher
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with
an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect
your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have
the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching
into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge
means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself
clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and
sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close
behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is
gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly
terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of his lungs................
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with
an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect
your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have
the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching
into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge
means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself
clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and
sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close
behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is
gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly
terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of his lungs................
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
worth another read
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER WE THINK THEY'RE NUTS!
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER WE THINK THEY'RE NUTS!
Urologist exam
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist
as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on
your
left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and
say,99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor says, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with
your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep
it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three'.
as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on
your
left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and
say,99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor says, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with
your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep
it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three'.
Sexual Harassment
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air,and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The
woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget.'
machine, inhales a big breath of air,and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The
woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget.'
Monday, January 12, 2009
An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day.He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
A SMART WOMAN
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or
4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or
4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick readily agreed.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick the dragon slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to the King & Queen's chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick could have cared less about paying Horatio, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick........................................
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick readily agreed.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick the dragon slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to the King & Queen's chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick could have cared less about paying Horatio, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick........................................
The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
Service
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
AMAZING HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE
A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE
A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Women are Smarter then Men
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Free advice fir iver 50's
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Friday, January 02, 2009
deer Meat
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'
The little girl screams to her brother 'don't eat it, it's an asshole!!'
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'
The little girl screams to her brother 'don't eat it, it's an asshole!!'
VANCOUVER ISLAND__ DECLARES CIVIL EMERGENCY_
For all you non-Islanders, we have had 70cm of snow in the past week. The snow is not an issue for most of us, but if fell on the golf courses too which is a very serious problem. The following is a blow-by-blow report of the current extreme weather conditions on Vancouver Island (BC)
_ 6:22_ AM - Temperature plunges to -8.3C. Word spreads that a Comox resident finds ice on the windshield of his Beamer. Curious neighbours gather to watch him scrape if off with his Gold Master Card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of the mysterious "defrost" switch on the dashboard of the car can aid in the process.
_ 9:30 AM_ - Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, cricket bats, mashies and nibliks, umbrellas, cookie sheets and boogie boards.
_10:00 AM_ - Golfers at Qualicum's Memorial Golf Club, have broken into the ladies locker room where the ladies' bridge club store their card tables, and are now strapping the card tables to the front of their golf cards in order to clear the fairways and greens. The Pro has sanctioned the use of orange balls.
_ Noon_ - Elementary schools call in grief counselors. Grief counselors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires (tyres)
_ 2:30PM_ Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of female driven SUV four-wheel drive vehicles abandoned by side of road, still in 2 wheel drive mode. When questioned, one female SUV owner asked "what's four wheel drive?"
_2:50 PM_ Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel between Island and the ROTW (rest of the world). Victoria newspaper Times-Colonist headline reads "Mainland cut of from Civilization"
_ 3:00 PM_ Nanaimo-Parksville Conservative Member of Parliament, James Lunney phones Prime Minister Harper asking for financial assistance. PM replies "foreign aid budget all allocated for 2008"
_3:10 PM_ Same MP phones Peter Mackay Minister of Defence asking for assistance from Canada's DART rapid-response military team. Minister replies they will be on the ground in Parksville as early as July 2009, or sooner if they can rent a suitable aircraft from Brazil.
_ 3:30 PM_ BC Lottery Corp. responds to emergency by installing slot machines in Nanaimo homeless shelter _ 4:15 PM_ Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting at grocery stores in Victoria, except for Oak Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them _ 5:40 PM_ TV weatherman Ed Bain in Victoria, shaking uncontrollably tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plunges to Winnipeg-in-August temperatures. Martial law is declared and Premier Campbell has called an emergency meeting of his cabinet on the main deck of HMCS Protecteur where an emergency command centre will be established as soon as they dock in Honolulu.
_6:00PM_ The sidewalks are rolled up and you retreat to your parlours with your mulled wine.
_ 6:22_ AM - Temperature plunges to -8.3C. Word spreads that a Comox resident finds ice on the windshield of his Beamer. Curious neighbours gather to watch him scrape if off with his Gold Master Card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of the mysterious "defrost" switch on the dashboard of the car can aid in the process.
_ 9:30 AM_ - Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, cricket bats, mashies and nibliks, umbrellas, cookie sheets and boogie boards.
_10:00 AM_ - Golfers at Qualicum's Memorial Golf Club, have broken into the ladies locker room where the ladies' bridge club store their card tables, and are now strapping the card tables to the front of their golf cards in order to clear the fairways and greens. The Pro has sanctioned the use of orange balls.
_ Noon_ - Elementary schools call in grief counselors. Grief counselors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires (tyres)
_ 2:30PM_ Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of female driven SUV four-wheel drive vehicles abandoned by side of road, still in 2 wheel drive mode. When questioned, one female SUV owner asked "what's four wheel drive?"
_2:50 PM_ Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel between Island and the ROTW (rest of the world). Victoria newspaper Times-Colonist headline reads "Mainland cut of from Civilization"
_ 3:00 PM_ Nanaimo-Parksville Conservative Member of Parliament, James Lunney phones Prime Minister Harper asking for financial assistance. PM replies "foreign aid budget all allocated for 2008"
_3:10 PM_ Same MP phones Peter Mackay Minister of Defence asking for assistance from Canada's DART rapid-response military team. Minister replies they will be on the ground in Parksville as early as July 2009, or sooner if they can rent a suitable aircraft from Brazil.
_ 3:30 PM_ BC Lottery Corp. responds to emergency by installing slot machines in Nanaimo homeless shelter _ 4:15 PM_ Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting at grocery stores in Victoria, except for Oak Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them _ 5:40 PM_ TV weatherman Ed Bain in Victoria, shaking uncontrollably tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plunges to Winnipeg-in-August temperatures. Martial law is declared and Premier Campbell has called an emergency meeting of his cabinet on the main deck of HMCS Protecteur where an emergency command centre will be established as soon as they dock in Honolulu.
_6:00PM_ The sidewalks are rolled up and you retreat to your parlours with your mulled wine.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Question - Answer
Question - When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan what does that Government give you?
Answer - A map of Canada
Answer - A map of Canada
9 Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm agraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way wo the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do,' said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. 'I
have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything!'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) You know
you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day! ;-)
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm agraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way wo the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do,' said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. 'I
have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything!'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) You know
you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day! ;-)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Married in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven.
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Monday, December 29, 2008
THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
Sunday, December 28, 2008
SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN......
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah
Winfrey.
Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it."
Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it...
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it
with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't
believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up
in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman
she stole my wallet!"
Winfrey.
Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it."
Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it...
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it
with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't
believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up
in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman
she stole my wallet!"
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
five�
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
five�
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS...
Which one would you rather have?
PARKINSONS of course!
Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!
PARKINSONS of course!
Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Smart Add Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 --
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
____________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
____________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
___________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
____________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
___________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR --
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and is snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
____________________________________________________________________
Two bonus extras:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
___________________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
____________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
____________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
___________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
____________________________________________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
___________________________________
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR --
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and is snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
____________________________________________________________________
Two bonus extras:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
___________________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy
Friday, December 19, 2008
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Pain Transfer
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.
THe Hippie and the Nun
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.
He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.
He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree..
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)