During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.
When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed...
"And all these years I've been chewing gum."
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Robot Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
Hillary Clinton's Driver
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.
'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?
'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love
to me.'
'Good grief, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.
The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. 'The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.'
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.
'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?
'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love
to me.'
'Good grief, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.
The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. 'The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.'
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Who's Nuts
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients
were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'
were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'
Monday, April 28, 2008
pussycats
A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a towel at the beach in Florida.
She took her sun hat off of her face, only to notice that a man her age had walked up, placed his towel on the sand a few feet away, and began to read a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thanks," he responded, and returned to reading his book.
"I just love the beach, the salt air and the sunshine. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and turned back to his book.
"So, do you live around here, too?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over there in Sun Tree," he answered, then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah went on, "Do you like shuffleboard or cook-outs?"
"I hate shuffleboard but sometimes I enjoy a cook-out," he answered then returned to his book.
"Do you like to go to the movies?" she asked.
"I hate theaters. If I do see a movie, I rent it and watch it from the couch," he said, and kept on reading.
"Do you like pussycats?" she persisted.
In a flash, the man threw his book into the sand, jumped off his towel onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate encounter of her life!
A few moments later, as the cloud of sand began to settle and Sarah was able to breathe, she gasped and asked him, "How did you ever guess that was what I wanted?"
The man answered, "Well ... how did you know my name is Katz?"
She took her sun hat off of her face, only to notice that a man her age had walked up, placed his towel on the sand a few feet away, and began to read a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thanks," he responded, and returned to reading his book.
"I just love the beach, the salt air and the sunshine. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and turned back to his book.
"So, do you live around here, too?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over there in Sun Tree," he answered, then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah went on, "Do you like shuffleboard or cook-outs?"
"I hate shuffleboard but sometimes I enjoy a cook-out," he answered then returned to his book.
"Do you like to go to the movies?" she asked.
"I hate theaters. If I do see a movie, I rent it and watch it from the couch," he said, and kept on reading.
"Do you like pussycats?" she persisted.
In a flash, the man threw his book into the sand, jumped off his towel onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate encounter of her life!
A few moments later, as the cloud of sand began to settle and Sarah was able to breathe, she gasped and asked him, "How did you ever guess that was what I wanted?"
The man answered, "Well ... how did you know my name is Katz?"
If Only
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to
the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he
discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate
today, but this new procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great.
Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat
the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.
Again, the guy says, '99.
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on
your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check
your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say, 99
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.
the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he
discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate
today, but this new procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great.
Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat
the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.
Again, the guy says, '99.
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on
your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check
your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say, 99
The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.
A day with the Barnums
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak. but, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass..
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
'You were born a Baptist,
and raised a Baptist,
but now you are a Catholic. '
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
You wuz born a deer,
you wuz raised a deer,
but now you a catfish.
Amen :-)
cook a venison steak. but, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass..
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,
'You were born a Baptist,
and raised a Baptist,
but now you are a Catholic. '
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
You wuz born a deer,
you wuz raised a deer,
but now you a catfish.
Amen :-)
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Walking Eagle
Premier Gordon Campbell of B.C. was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C..........He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed 'YES' - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to Campbell.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to Campbell.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now
respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe
Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack
Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..
Against her parents' objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After
being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later
married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted
to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced
a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone
says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now
respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe
Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack
Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..
Against her parents' objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After
being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later
married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted
to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced
a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone
says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Three nuns at a Detroit hockey game
SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A Detroit Red Wing Hockey GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THEIR VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, 'I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.'
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA , THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.'
THE THIRD GUY SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.'
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID,
'WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL There are NO Nuns there!
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, 'I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.'
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA , THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.'
THE THIRD GUY SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.'
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID,
'WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL There are NO Nuns there!
THE RED INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was a red Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????
OH, come on.......take a guess!
Think about it........
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is.........
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????
OH, come on.......take a guess!
Think about it........
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is.........
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
Friday, April 25, 2008
When is “Fuck” Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history when the 'F' word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. 'What the Fuck do you mean, we are sinking?'
~ Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. 'What the Fuck was that?'
~Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
9. 'Where did all those Fucking Indians come from?'
~ Custer, 1877
8. ‘Any Fucking idiot could understand that.'
~ Einstein, 1938
7. 'It does so Fucking look like her!'
~Picasso, 1926
6. 'How the Fuck did you work that out?'
~Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. 'You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?'
~Michael Angelo, 1566
4. 'Where the Fuck are we?'
~Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. 'Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!'
~ Noah, 4314 BC
2. ‘Aw c'mon, Who the Fuck is going to find out?'
~Bill Clinton 1998
and a drum roll please...... ......!
1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad!'
~Saddam Hussei
11. 'What the Fuck do you mean, we are sinking?'
~ Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. 'What the Fuck was that?'
~Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
9. 'Where did all those Fucking Indians come from?'
~ Custer, 1877
8. ‘Any Fucking idiot could understand that.'
~ Einstein, 1938
7. 'It does so Fucking look like her!'
~Picasso, 1926
6. 'How the Fuck did you work that out?'
~Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. 'You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?'
~Michael Angelo, 1566
4. 'Where the Fuck are we?'
~Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. 'Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!'
~ Noah, 4314 BC
2. ‘Aw c'mon, Who the Fuck is going to find out?'
~Bill Clinton 1998
and a drum roll please...... ......!
1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad!'
~Saddam Hussei
Thursday, April 24, 2008
::: BREAKING NEWS :::
In 2009 the government will start killing
all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run little buddy, run.
all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run little buddy, run.
THE PRICE OF GAS
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.
"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery."
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.
"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery."
Job Interview
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied,
"A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way;
it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man.
"It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened.
A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!", said the interviewer.
"The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and
on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture
the light at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
"After hearing the three previous answers,
it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Newfie.
"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh, I can explain,"
said the Newfie,
"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom.
But, before I could think, blink,or turn on the light,
I shit my pants."
He got the job.
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied,
"A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way;
it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man.
"It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened.
A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!", said the interviewer.
"The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and
on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture
the light at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
"After hearing the three previous answers,
it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Newfie.
"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh, I can explain,"
said the Newfie,
"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom.
But, before I could think, blink,or turn on the light,
I shit my pants."
He got the job.
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