bubba the furniture dealer

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas,decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.


To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Marshal Arts Newfie style

A Newfie, just a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
Later the burly American gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar.
He walks up behind him and whacks him over the head, knocking him out.
The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a fuckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire."

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes And dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out Of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell Happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're Going to feel all day.
"
~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all Get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the History of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does Not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Nam, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Health Canada

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned

The Choice

A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck from S.C. on a flight
across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Redneck asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let
liquor touch these lips."
The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
"Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

The Future

DESPERATE TO KNOW HER FUTURE, A WOMAN DECIDED TO GO VISIT A PSYCHIC.
IN A DARK AND GLOOMY ROOM, GAZING AT THE TAROT CARDS LAID OUT BEFORE HER, THE PSYCHIC DELIVERED THE BAD NEWS;

"THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS SO I"LL BE BLUNT, PREPARE YOURSELF TO BE A WIDOW. YOUR HUSBAND WILL DIE A VIOLENT AND HORRIBLE DEATH THIS YEAR."

VISIBLY SHAKEN, THE WOMAN STARED AT THE PSYCHIC'S LINED FACE, THEN AT THE SINGLE FLICKERING CANDLE, AND THEN LOOKED DOWN AT HER HANDS.

SHE TOOK A FEW DEEP BREATHS TO COMPOSE HERSELF AND DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND ASK THE QUESTION SHE SIMPLY HAD TO KNOW.

SHE MET THE PSYCHIC'S GAZE, STEADIED HER VOICE, AND ASKED, "WILL I GET AWAY WITH IT?"

Married

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted."

Voice from the Back Pew

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before his congregation to ask for a raise.

After much discussion, They passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the assembled crowd.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God, too, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the Congregation said, "Amen."

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who serves carrots knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or butter-and-cream. If it's skim milk, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. And lots of it… Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa Claus, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin and Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but don't turn up your nose and attempt to avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Try some with a BIG dollop of Cool Whip!

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: start over. But hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and yelling "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

The Christmas Angel Story.....

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
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-
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-
-
..Thus began the tradition of the little Angel a'top the Christmas tree.

Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .

You'll love this .

Yep... I know you will . .

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"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

The Biker's Night Before Christmas

The Biker's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad.
The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.

With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer,
My girl and I crashed on the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.

I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan
Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man).
He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks,
And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks.

I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class.
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass.
Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash,
And out of the stove he came dragging his stash.

With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her fanny and shook my right hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.

From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder,
As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder.
With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night,
Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!"

"You're bullshittin' me!"

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

"Smoking a joint"

A Koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard , helps him to the side, and then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, so he walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

Doctor's, Seniors and Receptionist

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I love the way this old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!" "Why not?
you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited a few minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes???"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir???"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
MESS WITH SENIORS AND YOU'RE GONNA LOSE

Hell for Saskatchewan people

Two guys from Saskatchewan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling bacon and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Regina so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.

Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is up with you two???" The guys from Saskatchewan look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, eh?. If hell freezes over, it must mean the Roughriders have won the Grey Cup."

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave .

Dave .

Dave . .

You're a Veterinarian .

The Flasher

Three elderly ladies named Penelope, Maude and Gladys were
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a
flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat.

Penelope immediately had a stroke.

Gladys also had a stroke.

But Maude, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far ....

Pay me a compliment

A woman, standing nude, looked in the bedroom mirror and said to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly.
Pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"

He never heard the shot....