lil ol Lady

Defense attorney:
How old are you?

Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady :
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt
that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard.

Two Ass Holes

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll 'im over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "no, 'tain't Bubba." The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What?" exclaimed the mortician. "He had two assholes?"

"Yup, ever'one in town knew he had two assholes.

Ever' time we went to town, folks would all say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

Drug Problems

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's Garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine,crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

Author Unknown

Single Woman

woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- half-gallon of 2% milk,
- carton of eggs,
- quart of orange juice,
- head of romaine lettuce,
- 2 lb. can of coffee,
- 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".

Watch your Bumper Sticker

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally......I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless!

Sister Mary

Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Matadore oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mom, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
" He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy
" At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

NO Bike

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His Father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the
mortgage on
this house is$580,000 and, unfortunately, your mother just lost her
job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last
night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell
you to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a $580,000
mortgage and no bike!"

Always a hole behind

A man,while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became
confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady Playing ahead of him.He walked up to
her,explained his confusion and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She
replied,I'm on the 7th hole,and you are a hole behind me,so you must be on
the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went to his golf.On the back nine the same thing
happened;and he approached her again with the same request;
She said, I'm on the 14th hole ,you are a hole behind me,so you must be on
the 13th hole;
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.He finished his round and
went to the clubhouse where saw the same lady sitting at the end of the
bar.He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said; Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in sales, also. What do you sell? She replled, If I tell you;ll
laugh.''
No I wont. ''Well. if you must know,she answered.I work for tampax.''
With that ,he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said See, I knew you would laugh.''
Thats not what I'm laughing at.''he replied.''I'm a salesman for
Preparation H,so I'm still a hole behind you.''

Christmas Dinner and

A woman went to her boyfriend's parents house for Christmas Dinner.

This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman began to feel a little discomfort.
Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains were almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,

"Skippy!"

The woman thought, this is great, and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp"

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"Skippy

Next

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course, what may I do for
you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm
afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
Customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official
asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my
head
down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
Have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said,

"Go ahead, Father.

Next!"

St Patrick's Day

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all
day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's
Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking
anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He
falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls
himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his
face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll
be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the
door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his
face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls
to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens
the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'
way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
"I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his
face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But
how'd you know?"
Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the
pub."

The Man and The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

I HATE MY JOB

I Hate My Job,
When you have an "I hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.

Chinese wedding night!

Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she gets naked under the
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next
to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and
you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting, juss anyting you want.. Whatchou want?" he
says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgn bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to
try someting I have heard about .. numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want...chicken wiff broccori?"

TWO SISTERS

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bough t a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The w ord's big. She'll read it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull".

The Cat

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be e m pty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...

Reverse It

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work .

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.