New Canadians

Two families moved from Pakistan to Edmonton. When they arrived
the two Fathers made a bet.
In a year's time, whichever family had become had become more Canadian would win.
A year later they met again.

The first man said, 'My son is playing hockey, I had Tim Hortons for
Breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Molson's.
How about you?

The second man replied, 'Fuck off, raghead.'


.

Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Words of love

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, fuck off.'

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.



Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Ahmed's doctor appoitment

Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only

here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after

doctor,but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss

on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket,

pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!

What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick .."

Lambs Rum and Pepsi

A Priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for a Lambs rum and Pepsi, which was brought and
placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust..... 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

For all the 'expert' drivers out there!!!

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* ; Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *

Heaven and Hell

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all

of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that' says St. Peter 'It's only someone having

the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the

conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling

screams.

'Oh my!' says the old lady 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry'

says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this' says the old lady, 'I m going to Hell.' 'You can't go

there' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

Generations

In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper,

Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.

Generations are grouped as follows:

-The Silent Generation, people born before 1945.

-The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

-Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1986.

-Generation Y, people born between 1987 and 2008.


For the last one, one can ask why Y?...

A caricaturist explains it eloquently below...



In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper,

Doctor's Warning

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge
in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never
again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs,
they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the
lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the
bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot
glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the
ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and
said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

careful what you wish for

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to them all and begins to explore the
house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there
are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and
hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can
also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. .. . but why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

"Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

"The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Father told you about his."

TURNER BROWN:

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie says:

'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!

Tea Party

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Roll Up the Rim to Win

Engineers:

Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches,"and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, supervising in Ottawa.

NEWFIE FUNERAL

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis and Ecclesiastes all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Lard Jeezuz b'y, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Very Old one but still good

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

=====================================================


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Lil Sal

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother... 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say... 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked... 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

.....Mom fainted

Prince Charles

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker
standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he
approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!'
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany Charles on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince
Charles realized she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better
have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became
even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He
tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds,
you tight bastard?!

Cows from Saskatchewan

The only cow in a small town in Alberta, Canada, stopped giving milk. The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan & the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time & the people were pleased & very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull & he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening. 'Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away' they said. 'If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side.'
The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, 'Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?'
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. 'You are truly a wise Vet,' they said. 'How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?'
The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, 'My wife is from Saskatchewan.'

Truth in Bank Robbery

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

NICODERM

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife , and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

French Immersion Class

In Quebec , the French do not pronounce the letter "H".
For example Hot Dog is pronounced Ot Dog and Hudson Hardware
is pronounced Udson Ardware.

They also insert an 'H' where there is none,
by saying Hany (instead Of Any) and Hall (instead of All).
This explanation is for non-Canadians.

One day in a French Immersion Class for 1st graders,
the teacher was asking
her class to describe the use of Ozonol.

Little Mary got up and explained that she had fallen
while roller skating and scratched her knee.
She went home and her Mother cleaned the cut and
put a bandage with Ozonol on her knee and it was all better.
The teacher was so proud and then asked other children
if they had any explanation of the word.

Little Pierre raised his hand and started to explain.
"Well Teacher, da udder nite,
me an my fodder are watching da Montreeal and
Tampa Ockey Game.
An den my mudder start to do da vaccum. Den,
my fodder, yell at my mudder,

ai, ai, ai, ai, Tabarnack Louise,
put dat dam ting haway now or I'll stick
it up your hass .....Ose an all."

Truth in Advertising

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's
my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able
to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!