The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Monday, November 30, 2009
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says: "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says: "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Legs or Brest
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.
Lie detector robot
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was
a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy...The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.....The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen'"
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was
a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy...The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.....The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair again.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen'"
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing ... She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing ... She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"
borrowed from Canadian Biker Forum
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"
borrowed from Canadian Biker Forum
Saturday, November 21, 2009
DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The name's just Fred.....
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
He asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
Break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
Presses h im for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
The time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
Older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
Medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
Decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
Doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
Gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
Found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
Of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
The candy with holes
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father...'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Politically Incorrect Humor
I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman an asshole.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just taking a crap."
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but man, pass the parcel was quick!!!
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ Won't it start?"
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman an asshole.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just taking a crap."
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but man, pass the parcel was quick!!!
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ Won't it start?"
JUST WAXIN' MY BOAT
Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out,
Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out,
Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
Jesus is Watching You!!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. His flashlight beam came to rest ona parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,'replied the bird.
'Moses?'the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. His flashlight beam came to rest ona parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,'replied the bird.
'Moses?'the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wife's First Hunting Trip
My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I Couldn't believe it...the first time ever!
I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me
And being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'.
I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Traffic Camera:
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
Monday, November 09, 2009
JUST WAXIN' MY BOAT
Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out,
Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out,
Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!...
And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Another new Illness to watch out for... Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
ALMOST MARRIED
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I ... was ... almost ... married !"
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter anymore!"
The answer comes, " Yes... I .. went ..to ..a ..doctor ... and.. he ... told me .. that .. if I .. speak ... slowly, I will .. not ..stutter."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
" Well, ... my ... fiance and ... I ... were ... sitting on ...her ...porch and ....the ...dog was ... scratching ...his back, ..and ...I ....told ..her ..that ...when we ...were .... married, ... she ... could do that .. for ... me .. and then .... she .... threw the ... ring ... in my ... face ...and ... left.
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"Well, ... I .... speak ...so ... slowly, ... that ... by ..the time ... she ... looked at ... the dog .... he .... was ... licking his ..nuts."
First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I ... was ... almost ... married !"
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter anymore!"
The answer comes, " Yes... I .. went ..to ..a ..doctor ... and.. he ... told me .. that .. if I .. speak ... slowly, I will .. not ..stutter."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
" Well, ... my ... fiance and ... I ... were ... sitting on ...her ...porch and ....the ...dog was ... scratching ...his back, ..and ...I ....told ..her ..that ...when we ...were .... married, ... she ... could do that .. for ... me .. and then .... she .... threw the ... ring ... in my ... face ...and ... left.
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"Well, ... I .... speak ...so ... slowly, ... that ... by ..the time ... she ... looked at ... the dog .... he .... was ... licking his ..nuts."
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
everything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking???
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
everything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking???
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can!
Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can!
Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
Canadian humour!!
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis died and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canadians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Canadian generosity!
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canadians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Canadian generosity!
Three Couples Camping
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
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