Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Little Dennis came home from his Lethbridge school one day slightly confused.
His Mother was Jewish and his father was a native.
So Dennis asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question,
"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."
His Mother was Jewish and his father was a native.
So Dennis asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question,
"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."
Timeless advice from ancient China..
Confucius say,
" Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."
Little Johnny's Christmas
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch."
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch."
THe New Ford
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gonna love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gonna love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time."
They heard the announcer Say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time."
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis !' The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis ,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door !' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, ' Magic Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ' Magic Penis , my crotch .' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis ,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door !' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, ' Magic Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ' Magic Penis , my crotch .' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Ontario recently transferred to the northern part of Alberta, and a small community was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life..
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she
asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker..
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door....... 'This is the Outhouse!'
( Some Government workers are so smart)
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she
asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker..
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door....... 'This is the Outhouse!'
( Some Government workers are so smart)
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
She asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . .. Which part of
Your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you
Think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
Of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
Other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
She asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . .. Which part of
Your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you
Think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
Of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
Other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
HOW TO TELL YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED TOO LONG
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to
be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their
men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels.. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love
on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in
a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was
so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move
up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled "Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?"
be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their
men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels.. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love
on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in
a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was
so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move
up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled "Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?"
Little Johnny
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Catholic Coffee
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
The woman said, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24 inch waist and 34 inch hips."
The men exchanged glances and the first Catholic man said, "And?"
The woman proudly replied, "When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God.' "
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Definition of Taliban.
Our troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humour. One of them sent this.
YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, But you routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, But you routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
QUESTION?
How can you tell the difference between a Canadian, Australian, and an American Police Officer?
Pose yourself the following unlikely question:
You're walking down 2nd Avenue in Saskatoon. Suddenly, a dangerous and aggressive looking man approaches another pedestrian, with a knife in his fist, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises his fists, and charges.
This interaction is observed by a City Police Officer who has a Glock revolver on his hip. The officer has mere seconds to act before the pedestrian's life is ended.
What do you do?
AS A CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Is this an aggrieved refugee claimant who is unhappy with his level of welfare benefits and treatment by immigration and welfare?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this a victim of a residential schools experience?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'visitor' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
How will the CBC cover this?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing? Warn and Charter him as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click...
Pose yourself the following unlikely question:
You're walking down 2nd Avenue in Saskatoon. Suddenly, a dangerous and aggressive looking man approaches another pedestrian, with a knife in his fist, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises his fists, and charges.
This interaction is observed by a City Police Officer who has a Glock revolver on his hip. The officer has mere seconds to act before the pedestrian's life is ended.
What do you do?
AS A CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Is this an aggrieved refugee claimant who is unhappy with his level of welfare benefits and treatment by immigration and welfare?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this a victim of a residential schools experience?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'visitor' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
How will the CBC cover this?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing? Warn and Charter him as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click...
Monday, December 07, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the chesterfield.
At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her
husband says,"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers.
"Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the chesterfield."
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the chesterfield.
At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her
husband says,"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers.
"Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the chesterfield."
Older Women Are So Reasonable!
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".
NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.
NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 69-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.
That's what I said!'
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.
That's what I said!'
Which one is married?'
little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Little Ralphy and the teacher
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'. In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
?? Nun At Airport
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.?
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES?THAT TELLS?YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE?WHAT IT TELLS ME.' ?
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER?NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,?'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128?LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'?
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE.
THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE?CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN..?SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT?CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU?ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.' ?
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER?PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS?FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN?THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE,?THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE?GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC? A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS?SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY? THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL?AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ,?'YOU ARE A NUN,??YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE?FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '...
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES?THAT TELLS?YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE?WHAT IT TELLS ME.' ?
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER?NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,?'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128?LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'?
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE.
THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE?CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN..?SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT?CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU?ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.' ?
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER?PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS?FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN?THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE,?THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE?GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC? A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS?SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY? THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL?AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ,?'YOU ARE A NUN,??YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE?FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO '...
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Welfare Office
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"
' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Leroy.'
All the children rush to find seats.
Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'
''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls
are all named Leighroy."
In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin.
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,
I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit,
then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,
'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"
' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Leroy.'
All the children rush to find seats.
Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'
''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls
are all named Leighroy."
In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?'
Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin.
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,
I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit,
then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,
'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
Two Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored him and repeated his greeting. Again, there was
no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'We come in peace. Do not ignore us this
way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that. I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Nonsense,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. The massive fireball blew the
younger alien off his feet and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess, about
200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
companion, and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, it's that you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored him and repeated his greeting. Again, there was
no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'We come in peace. Do not ignore us this
way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that. I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Nonsense,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. The massive fireball blew the
younger alien off his feet and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess, about
200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
companion, and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, it's that you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
FEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and whispered, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'Well you will be when the tide comes in.'
WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT YOU KNOW..
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and whispered, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'Well you will be when the tide comes in.'
WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT YOU KNOW..
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