Windows frozen

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"Computer completely fucked now."

 

New from Dearborn , Michigan .... just in time for Christmas!

The latest  toy has hit the shops... a talking Muslim  doll.

Nobody knows what  the heck it says,
because no one has had the guts to pull the cord!!
    

  

Pfizer Corp

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon  be available in  liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a  power beverage  suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible  for a man to  literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can  no longer call this  a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names  of 'cocktails',  'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff  drink'.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:  MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent  on breast implants  and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This  means that by 2040,  there should be a large elderly population with  perky boobs and huge  erections and absolutely no recollection of what to  do with them.

SCOTCH?

   On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.   The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher
a basket of assorted fruit.

     The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

     The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

     Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

     "Is it wine?" she guessed.
         
   "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
asked, "Champagne?"

   "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

 

A sad looking man walks into a bar

A sad looking man walks into a barAnd orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.

The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"

The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"

This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.

After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"

The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.

Zany Headlines...

 



















 

Water Bed Prank

Screw You

Politically incorrect, but makes sense to me.

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinsons or Alzheimer's?" 

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons. 
Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle!!" 

The Dark Side Of Women...................

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. 

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. 

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.. 

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. 

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! 

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! 

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.  And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

BEING A FARMER IS TOUGH!

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.  He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn,  and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches."

 

Ive just been molested

  A senior  citizens group charters a bus for an overnight
gambling casino  trip.

           An elderly woman  comes up to the bus driver and says,
'I've just been  molested!'

           The driver felt  that she had fallen asleep and had a
dream.. So he tells  her to go back to her seat and sit  down.

           A short time  later, another old woman comes forward and
claims that  she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus
load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old  ladies?

           About 10 minutes  later, a third old lady comes up and
says that she'd  been molested too.

           The bus driver  decides that he'd had enough and pulls
into the first  rest area.

           When he turns  the lights on and stands up, he sees an old
man on his  hands and knees crawling in the  aisles.

           'Hey gramps,  what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

           'I lost my  toupee.  I thought I found it three times, but
every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs  away!'

The Black Bra

THE BLACK BRA    The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went.    My engaged friend :  The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman  of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.   The mistress:  Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,   heels and   Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.   Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,       (you are going to love this.....)        "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

65 Years Ago.

65 Years Ago.  This is PRICELESS ............ A little old lady from   Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.  When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall. (Here it is:)

Elderly Man

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Poor Florida

Give me my money !

THE Definition of a True friend!

Feeling Unappreciated??

Feeling Unappreciated?? 

The next time you feel that nobody loves you, 


no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, 

think of this guy: 




Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..

 

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

Still Having a Bad Day?

 

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

 

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

 

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

 

There now, Feeling Better?

Only in the good ol U.S.of A.

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"A man is sitting on the well!"