Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

???

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN......

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah
Winfrey.

Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it...

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it
with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't
believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up
in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman
she stole my wallet!"

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
five�
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS...

Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!

Smart Add Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 --

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.



Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
___________________________________________________________


SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
___________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR --

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and is snickering.



When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

____________________________________________________________________
Two bonus extras:



A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
___________________________________________________________

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....

New Wepons in Irac

I can give you at least one
reason why it is important to
learn English when you live in Canada.....

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.

THe Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree..

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The 7 Dwarfs

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a ; ; ; moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

HONEY MOON SURPRISE...

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...







Smallcox?"

only in the south

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the JFK airport.

The first lady was an arrogant New York woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the New York woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh Good Lord! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?'"

of a hunting we go

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go
hunting, so he approached his assistant 'Garge, I am going
hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want
you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my
patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answered Garge.

The doctor went hunting and returned the following day and
asked: 'So, Garge, How was your day?'

Garge told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo Mate, and the second one?' asked the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir.'

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third
one?' asked The doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here when suddenly the door opens and a
woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking
off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down
on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For
five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?' asked
the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Merry CHRISTMAS.

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Another of Einstein's Theories...

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as...



Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this shit....
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

A Cristmas to rember

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,.... No
one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and
proclaims, . 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help and he said , ...... 'Screw the Preacher!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Birthday Reminder

This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the
Whte House on her hands and knees, and putting everything
in her mouth.


They grow up so fast, don't they?

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Seniors - don't mess with them.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his m outh when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Another good one for the golfers!!

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

And that's how the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started...

And that's how the fight started......

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started......

And that's how the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.....

Five rules for men. (Remember them well)

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

A small boy wrote to Santa :

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:
'Send me your mother...'

Funny as all get out

Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions..

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Lord, They're Finally Together

She married and had 13 children.Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finallydied after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they 're finally together.'One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?' The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

Market Reaserch

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

#10 -- "Scattered F___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

# 9 - "How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC

# 8 - "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1568

# 7 - "Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

# 6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

# 5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhardt, 1937

# 4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938

# 3 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head!" - JFK, 1963

# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997

Thank you "Biker Hen" for this joke

Joe and Mike

Two buddies, Joe and Mike, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Mike throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!' Joe says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.' So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Mike rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!' Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Mike says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thisss other guy got sssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!' Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.' 'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he
unaracteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your Breasts
to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few
conds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

Drunk Test

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.
When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way toBrandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.
He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test.'

Cop and his horse

A cop was on his horse
waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike
stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of
it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'


Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,'
the officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer
in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest,
he began to catch up with them
When he noticed the new sign which now read:




'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.'

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was
a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One
day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped
and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on
his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from
inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on
his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old
man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for
me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man
hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One
for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin'
me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the
fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour
just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed
to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

UP OR DOWN Sex

UP OR DOWN Sex

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confuse d the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.'

Polite Way To Pee...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.''
The teacher fainted.

Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach in the closet to get me a second blanket - I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damned blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Three Men

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

CANADA AND USA IN TROUBLE!!!

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers and Shaw customer service reps!!

It's getting ugly folks!!

I think Motel owners could be the next logical step. (heaven help us)!!

- the defense rests

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside
me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good.. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and that's when I shot the
little bastard

Brings a tear to you eye

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.

'Makes your dick look bigger.'
.....Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Flynn - Drunk Again

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box
and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

A Newfie in Paris

An 83 year old Newfie arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs
desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready,' the officer exclaimed!

The Newfie said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible, the officer said, Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!'

The Newfie gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944 to save your sorry asses,
I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!

How the U.S. stock market works

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'sure I can - watch me - I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $ 2.00 a piece and made a profit of $898.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works at the Securities & Exchange Commission

and yet another blond joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

The Older Generation

A farmer went out one day and bought a br and new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and boldly says, 'O.K. old man, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens by yourself'. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You're all washed up and I'm taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop..'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The old rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says to himself, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this
story?
Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION.
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance.

The 'F' Word

The 'F' Word
(Correct use of the 'F' word)
When is the word @#$% Acceptable?

There have been only Twelve times in history when the 'F' word was considered acceptable for us

They are as follows:

12. 'What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?'
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

11. 'What the @#$% was that!?'
-- Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945

10. 'Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?'
-- George Armstong Custer, 1877

9. 'Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.'
-- Einstein, 1938< /span>

8. 'It does so @#$%ing look like her!'
-- Picasso, 1926

7. 'How the @#$% did you work that out?'
-- Pythagoras, 126=2 0BC

6. 'You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?'
Michelangelo, 1566!

5. 'Where the @#$% am I?'
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

4. 'Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!'
Noah, 4314 BC

3. 'Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?'
Bill Clinton, 1998

2. 'What do you mean there is no @%#*ing key to my ankle bracelet?'
Martha Stewart, 2005

And a drum roll please...... ....!

1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this
@%#*^ing mad.'
Saddam Hussein, 2003



~

Another Blond Joke

A Blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.'
'Why?', says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the fucking goalie!!'

One sunny day in January, 2009,..

One sunny day in January,21st 2009 an old man approached the White House from
Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He
spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like
to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and
said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke
to the very same U.S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I
just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow, Sir.'

Australian polotics

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was asked
on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.


HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just
one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'


'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

Americans doing it wrong

The train was crowded. A US marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but
the only seat left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well-dressed middle-aged
French woman. The war-weary marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The
French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My
little Fifi is using that seat."

The marine walked the train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please
ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired." The French woman snorted. "Not only are
you Americans rude, you are also arrogant." This time the marine didn't say a word.
He just picked up the little dog and tossed it out of the window. Then he sat down.
The woman shrieked. "I'm horrified. Someone must defend my honour and put this
American in his place."

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a
penchant for doing the wrong thing. You use your fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong bitch out of the window!"

Enough is Enough

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and Depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating It. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

Dinner table talk

Family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?', the wife says.

'Yes, you see them and they make you want to cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

use of public urinals

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular: "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular: "At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself: "In British Columbia we learn not to piss on our hands."

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

' Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She w as difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Italian Grandma's advice

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too,But don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.

When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!' Nonna fainted!!!!!!!

4 Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.


Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Listen up City Slickers!

THE RULES OF RURAL SASKATCHEWAN ARE AS FOLLOWS

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 1 goes east and west, Hwy 39 & 11 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $365,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Saskatchewan waves. It's called 'being friendly ' . Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. There's little for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. SASKATCHEWAN Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. 2 inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

Don't Touch the Flour

A little East Indian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

'Look, mom, I'm a white boy!' His mom slaps him in the face and says 'Go show your father'.

He goes to his dad in the living room and says 'Look dad, I'm a white boy.' His dad slaps him hard in the face and says 'Go show your grandmother.'

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says 'Look granny, I'm a white boy'. His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends
him back to his mother.

His mother says 'Now, did you learn anything from that?'

To which the little boy replies 'I Sure did. I've only been white for five fuckin minutes and I already hate you fucking Packies!'

Two Newfies

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over
to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,'Well, I don't know about related,
but it sure would make us even.'

First time to use a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She
handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear
one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped
it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it
was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked
confused. So she looked all around the store to
see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back
room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She
unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom
on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few
minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put
that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and
held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Halloween Humor

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir, Please find enclose d a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co Happy Halloween