Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put seat and lid of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the seat and lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,

The Dog

This says it all!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Taunting a biker ....

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and
orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
buck naked! Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says ............ 'Grandpa, go home!
You're drunk!'

Why Us

This is the hostess for an Italian TV talk show.






This is the hostess for an American TV talk show.



Where in the hell did we go wrong?

Two Newfies

Two Newfies, hired a pilot to fly them to a remote area around Kaegudeck Lake to hunt moose.

Within a day they had bagged six, and managed to drag them to the plane.

The pilot explained the aircraft couldn't take more than four, and they'd have to leave two behind.

Ernie & Paddy objected, saying….. "Wadda mean? Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us take 'em all…"

Reluctantly, the pilot agreed, loaded up, and started down the run-way. Sure enough the plane didn't clear the trees, and crashed.

Surrounded by dead moose…..Paddy moaned…. "Where in hell are we?" "I tink pretty close to where we crashed last year…." replied Ernie.

Tribal Experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African "bush tribe" whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his member and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the member to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,

"How about we try the African string and weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little "Tribal Experiment" coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

She said excitedly "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No" he said, "It's turned black"

THERAPY SESSION:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

Banana Split

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

What is in a name

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

New Born

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Interesting Health Fact

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus? ?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. ?

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse
and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

Medical Students

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his are legs apart just as we learned in class.'


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.' The old man said:

'You thought... but you are wrong.'

Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.' The old man said: 'You thought...... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: 'Well, old timer, what do you have?' The old man said:

'I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.

hearing problems

An elderly gentleman… had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Stanley Cup

Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it. D o
I have to worry about being infected by listeria?

A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple
leaf in over 40 years.

Cowboys

A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!"

I am not Happy

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! I guess I must
have laughed.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER?

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Cop's and wishes

Two men were driving through Alberta when they got pulled over by an

RCMP officer . The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

'What the hell was that for?' the driver asked.

'You're in Alberta son,' the cop answered. 'When we pull you over in Alberta, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.'

'I'm sorry, officer,' the driver said, 'I'm not from around here.'

The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.

The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

'What'd you do that for?' the passenger demands.

'Just making your wish come true,' replied the cop.

'Making WHAT wish come true?' the passenger asked.

'Because I know your type,' the cop says, 'two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'

Holes

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy peeing, but there are two streams !!
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the willy in North Africa. They were able to save it but they had to leave two holes."

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the willy, left three holes."

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see 12 streams !!!!!!!!!!!!

"War wound?"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

(You MUST read them aloud to really learn them)


English Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
With patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLDER FOLKS.

Rednecks are sensitive

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower in North Carolina: Cooter, Bubba and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, 'Well, damn, someone better go tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it.

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife give it to me,' Donnie drawls.

'That's unbelievable, you told that woman her husband was dead and she gives you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow.' She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I says 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS..
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'



The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

THE THREE BEARS

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he Roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For Gosh sakes, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwashe r from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The
newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It
was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....






'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!!

Electile Dysfunction :

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for PRIME MINISTER put forth by any party in the 2008 election year.

Heh Heh !!!

INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

__________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ####, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

__________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ####-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ __________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

__________________________________________________ _____

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I #### myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like #### to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________ __

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?

joke borrowed from Canadian Riders Forum

Application Rejection

Your application to join an online dating agency has been rejected.

One of the questions was:
What do you like most in a woman?'

'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer!

Dream job

A guy walks into the local welfare office. He waits in line, and finally
gets to the Clerk's window.

While waiting for his cheque, he says, 'You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Clerk behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage.
The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, says , 'You're Bullshitin' me!'

The Clerk says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'

Pervert

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?




A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!

The Global Facts ...

The Global Facts ...
At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely f*cker is reading emails...

- You hang in there sunshine!

Husbandf/Wife talk

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned
to his wife and said,'Honey, tell me something that will
make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.'

She said. 'You have the biggest pecker of all your friends.'

Doctors Never Laugh

. .. . The doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

John and the Roosters

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.

Quote for the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit

Riddle me this

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk-ass off the Merry-go-round. *

Tiny perfect joke ...

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F... off! You won't bring it back."

Lawyer vs. Water Fowl

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Some old men can still think fast.

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

The Nun's Story

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added 'I hope I'm not being rude but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls . . . .
I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

RISQUÉ RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah "?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

OH, don't groan.
You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT FOR SENIORS . . .

An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex seven times a week



He said: Put me down for Fridays

A Baloonist and a Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below..

She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Conservative!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Liberal'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault

Donkey Joke

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.

Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

Hate your Job? read this

When you have a
'I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes]
try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand..

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE ISALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN
YOURS!

Tiger

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.' The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.' The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.' 'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?' 'Tiger Woods.' 'Tiger Woods the golfer?' 'Yeah.' 'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.' The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.' The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.' The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'

listen very, very closely

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his

mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

intergalactic travels

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

THERAPY SESSION:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

age defined

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Ours is prettier

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, 'Who the hell was that?'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.'

'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce!'

'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife.

'That's his mistress,' says her husband.

'Ours is prettier,' she replies

Doctors Never Laugh

. .. . The doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you Think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit!

Lost Grandpa

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall !

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,

'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.'

The Ole Folks Home ...

An Indian family was considering putting their
Mooshum (grandfather) in a nursing home.

All the First Nation facilities were completely
full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they
came to visit Mooshum.

"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous
and respectful." says Mooshum.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
was the wrong place for you. You know, since you
are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully

they treat the residents." Mooshum says with a big

smile.

"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'."

"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He
hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone
still calls him 'Your Honor'."

"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't
fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls
him 'Doctor'."

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The Fucking Indian'."

Of men & women's needs

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a t ennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Women on Sex

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some role playing.The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

Mongolian VD

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back
home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.


'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

Kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.
' The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?
' The first kid says, 'A circumcision.
' Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.