Top Ten Country & Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.

SNORKELING IN Manitoba

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Halloween Joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I am wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?' The woman stammers, 'Why, yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Don't mess with old people.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the young gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Saskatchewan, and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge! Show him your badge!"

smiling

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.' 'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

A lawyer and a Ukrainian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Ukrainians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Ukrainian would like to play a fun game.

The Ukrainian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Ukrainian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Ukrainian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Ukrainian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Ukrainian and hands him $500. The Ukrainian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Ukrainian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Ukrainian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with us Ukrainians.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks "Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his Manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she
found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!!!

PANTIES ON A PLANE

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al , but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked?
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first

Chicken Blood

Canadian Medical Association researchers have made a
Remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
Benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

This tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris,
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

ITALIANS vs. GREEKS

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we have the Parthenon.' Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, 'We have the Coliseum.' The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Italian, nodding agreement, says, 'But we built the Roman Empire'....
and so on and so on...
until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, 'We invented sex!'
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, 'That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!

Gay Baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen
babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse
comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the
other. 'All these unhappy babies .... and yet
our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of
gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just
watch what happens when I pull the thermometer
out of his ass.

Good Grandma & Grandpa Story.

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
He asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
Strong and Very expensive'. 'How much?' asked Grandpa.
'$10.00 a pill,' answered The son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we
Leave in the Morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
Called Grandpa
And said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.'

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma'

Nudist

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here, that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule, that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm out of here.'

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

A point of view ... Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on
gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan
conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their
husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands.

From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change ?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is ... (no matter where you go)... BEHIND EVERY MAN,
THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

How all business phones should be answered!

'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO CANADA

Press '1' for English.
Press '2' to disconnect until you learn to speak English

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,

'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to,
and for how long?'

What a Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'this is a special day for me so I'm celebrating.’
'This is a special day for me too; I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man ... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, But today
they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'

One Foggy Night

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of Buckley’s - cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,


(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)





The coffin stopped!

Giuseppe's new shoes

Giuseppe was in this country for only 6 months. He walked to work 20 blocks every day
and passed the same shoe store.

Each day he stopped and looked in the window to admire the $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it was all he could think about.
After about 2 months he saved the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?”

Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”
Giuseppe answers, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes....How do you like them?”

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,” Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?“

Rosa answers, “Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?” He replies, ”I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes....How do you like them?”

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red!

He says, “Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this is true!”

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ”Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.”
Giuseppe gasps, “Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!”

Drinks on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked
for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips.'
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice.'

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in~ ALBERTA ~BRITISH COLUMBIA~ SASKATCHEWAN MANITOBA~ NOVA SCOTIA~ NEWFOUNDLAND ~LABRADOR~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in ONTARIO!!!

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought
he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop
and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know
that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks,
except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to
be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding
away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much
so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said,
'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband
had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She
undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis,my crotch.' The penis
shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.

After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her
clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked
for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink
officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it
won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah
right...Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

Ukrainian Tomato Garden

An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Winnipeg. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert,Saskatchewan.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Walter, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Tato A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Tato, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Walter At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Winnipeg police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Tato, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Walter

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.





So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease? 'Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

Turpentine.

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

Bad Taste' in fashion for the 'older folks'

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of the image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the 'older folks'.....

14. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

FINAL THOUGHT

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

thanks Scrapper 46 on Canadian Riders Forum

Big Croc, Small Croc...

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near
the Ottawa River .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just
don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
House of Commons.'

'Same here. Hmm... How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the
leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're
not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
asshole with a briefcase.'

Stock Market Meltdown...

A quote from a stockbroker:

This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets and I still have a wife!

The Duck and the Condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tires.

So Carol called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.. We try to have
a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"


"Not yet," she replied

New Direction for any war :

Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

Little Johnny Strikes Again...

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentenceMolly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating'.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated'.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate'.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him .
Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight'.
The teacher sat down and cried...

Stock market

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

Realizing what a great opportunity this was... the villagers withdrew all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Of course they never saw the man nor his assistant again... only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!



Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

The Bunny and the Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.'

A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of
fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere licenses. I
don't need one. You must understand, by, dese here is My pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Dat's de trut' bye. Every night, I take dese fish down to de Cove and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey jump right back
into dese here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de trut
Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove. Then he stood
and looked out to sea.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?

'Well, what?', says the Newf.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the Newfie.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on De
mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
Government employees.

Sex witha Patient

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said, 'John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.' But then invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard!!!'

Getting Okd

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Reincarnation

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you
come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'

Woman in Labour

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me,
give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse
but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful',

Wedding Video's

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part
where she takes her ring off and
walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

How Was I Born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


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'You got Male!'

Q&A

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

The Whys of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6.. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

communication problems

An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it. So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector

'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.

'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.

'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'

'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister........!'

Rednecks are sensitive

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower in North Carolina: Cooter, Bubba and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, 'Well, damn, someone better go tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it.

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife give it to me,' Donnie drawls.

'That's unbelievable, you told that woman her husband was dead and she gives you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow.' She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I says 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are sensitive

Redneck Fire Alarm

A Visit to the Gynecologist

A beautiful blonde woman went to Norman, the gynecologist. Norman took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed, Norman began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said Norman. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady Norman.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place.'