After a visit to the whore house,

A man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors. "That's serious" says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?" "Yes" says the man seriously. "Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts."

Classes for women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

Classes for women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Tuesday January 2nd, 2012 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day... And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor! From the Guys in the Witness Protection Program __._,_.___

30 Bucks

A muslim dies and goes up to heaven. He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter who says, "Sorry, but we don’t allow muslims into Heaven." "What?" replies the Muslim, "And why not?" "Well, we just don’t." The Muslim rants and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up. "Well", says St-Peter, "Have you ever done anything good in your life?" "Ummm", the Muslim replies. "Yeah, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Last week I donated ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars also". "Alrighty then", says St-Peter, "Let me go and have a quick word with God." Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim. "Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me, here’s your 30 bucks back, now fuck off."

SIPPING VODKA

Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding. It's funny (don't break chain) A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remem ber how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!" "Hello, knees.", he continued.. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

This is how a bacon cheeseburger is made.....

Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty." Mom fainted.

Is This Your Black Half Ton In My Parking Spot?

Funny Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock ! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra , Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Drinking in Billy Bob's

As I was standing in Billy Bob’s drinking my beer this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. I said to him, do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu? He says? “No, why the fluck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee”? No I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick".

The new tattoo that women get in Europe, to protect themselves from Muslim men:

New Canadian Government Emblem

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Beaver to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

How to beat a DUI at 3 a.m.

Yep, that will do it.

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." The little old lady went home, picked up her dog and brought it back to the store. She was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." So........... Don't mess with old people.

Miss Kentucky Holding A Teddy Bear

Note: This is the new Miss Kentucky. The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life: Make-up and hair style ................... $500 New dress for the show ..................$700 Giant stuffed bear ............................ $300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand .....Priceless!

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Monday

MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Bad Luck

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.’

Another example of our troopers hard at work. God Bless 'em!

"TAKE YOUR TIME!"

Traffic Stop North Carolina N.C. State Trooper: " Registration please Maam. " Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. " Trooper: " Look again. " Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! " Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. " Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box three times. My registration just isn't in there !! " Trooper: " Ma'am.....Please Check again ! " Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! " Trooper: Look again . . . ..

Cowboy purchase

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

The sign of A JOB WELL DONE

How to stop wives from smoking.

The scientists must have gone to a lot of trouble to work this one out. How to stop wives from smoking.

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .. Their first night there, she undressed as he did There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same-- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-- but now he was wearing a black condom .. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

The Towel

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter
what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. Whil e the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't
help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband,
'let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man
gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:


'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

Dilemma

Dilemma of Don't Ask, Don't Tell Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military. No more don't ask don't tell. But what he has really done is cause confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives. This is what can now happen!! You know that Marines are trained to immediately obey orders. So imagine ...................... You're a Marine in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running toward your position. The guy next to you is openly gay. Then your Squad Leader yells out.......... "Shoot the cocksucker!" Do you see the confusion here?

Floss

My dentist sends me photos from time to time as a reminder.

Don't Forget To Floss!

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

Complete and Finished

Complete and Finished,,,,what's the difference??????
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy
to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
But.................... there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander !!!!!!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

End of story

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get
that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing
home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for
being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement
and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger
every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go
to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even
younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play,
and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last
9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central
heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an
orgasm.

I rest my case.

A distraught senior citizen

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy....as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club... She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

Ole the Hunter

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough. He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over,

it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."


"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.

I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.

She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

how to grow tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Remember to smile at people.....they will think you are up to something...

God visits a man

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re were not too fucking happy about it in Wal-Mart either!

The Lawler

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.


(keep reading)


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"My Rolex!"

Auto Trader

History of the Condom

Interesting piece of history...

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

You had to ask

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. "do you know who the father is?"

"For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Purchasing or Leasing - which is better?

Many people ask their accountant which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing?

We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of foolish men and cunning women.

Purchasing

The maths on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5
year relationship, it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.

This is Heather...

Leasing

On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's
favourite hooker, Kristen charged $4,000 per night.

This is Kristen...

So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5
years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total
for sex every night .

This represents a $41.7 million savings. What a shrewd cocksman Eliot is, compared to the ageing
Beatle.

Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;

* a (real) 22 year old

* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging

* never a headache

* happily agrees to all technical requests

* no complaining

* no “Honey - please do this” lists

* has two legs

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.

All 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.


Sometimes Leasing just makes more sense.....

This should be taken seriously!!!

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following
Warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
What the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
Are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
Like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
Friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
Can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
Lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
Logically converse with members of the opposite s*x without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
You are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
People are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
Getting your as* kicked..

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

OUCH

After being married for thirty years ... a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"



His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better !!!

Two little kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says “ I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “ You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “ Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

It Just Don't Get No Better Than This!

foot prints for you

.oooO
( ) Oooo.
\ ( ( )
\__) ) /
(__/

Many people will walk in and out of your life but only
a true friend will leave footprints on your computer!

Forward this message to 8 other people.......
and you will get......


Fuck all !
That's right - Fuck all !!!!

You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand, or a fucking holiday in Jamaica, just Fuck all..... it's true....... it works.....!

I sent it and I got........
Fuck all!

Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these things that actually works!

So send it and get Fuck all.
It's brilliant!

ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding
night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked,
Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said;
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life

out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you
have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said,
"Mission Accomplished."

redneck horseshoes

I MET MY NEW DOCTOR!

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh.t.'

if you were down south

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Wife Tails

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your
money or life... The wives want both!

Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to
get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling
single again.

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she
love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

It takes thousand workers to build a castle, Million soldiers to protect
a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good
Maid!

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them

Taxi Driver

Went to India recently for the commonwealth games, I saw on the back of
a Taxi a sign that said : English speaking Taxi driver. I thought, what
a good idea, why don't we have them in our flipping country??

Prince Charles and the Hooker

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife

As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...........

Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Communication problems?

It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.

He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."

Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right??

It Just Don't Get No Better Than This!

The Winner

THE WINNER OF
THE HOMER SIMPSON
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST!

Boob Apron

sex and cats

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can
tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
Afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
Have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
For my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" .....

A Burning Blonde!

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The idiot called back!"

The Scot (at his first Baseball Game)

A Scotsman moves to Canada , and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming 'RUN!!!'
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers 'RUN!! RUN!!'
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: 'Walk.'
The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, 'RRun ye lazy bast** ard rrrrrrrrrrrun!'
The people around him begin laughing.
Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, 'He can't run - he has four balls.'
The Scotsman stands up and screams: 'Walk with PRIDE Laddie.'

Lucky Mouse

They caught this mouse in a local pharmacy, after it

chewed thru a box of Viagra.