Longest Nerve in the Body?

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it,

pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't

bring a tear to your eye.

Breasts or Legs

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.








Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

The Story

THIS IS A STORY
ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE
ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
HABIT OF
FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE
HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP
FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP
RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.




HE TOLD HER HE
COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SHE TOLD
HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW
HIS GUTS OUT.



THE YEARS WENT
BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY
MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS
UPSTAIRS SOUND
ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK,
GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT
CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS
WHERE
HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS
BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND
EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS
SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH
HIS
USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING
SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH
ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED
ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE
SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT
TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE
BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY
YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T
LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.


'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP
FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY
THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I
GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.....

Probably enough to offend everybody - hopefully!!

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '.............. Murphy says 'Four!'

One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK........... but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes

' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

Riddle

Try to think this one through. The answer is at the end.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
















DON'T LOOK DOWN

Handsome

A teacher asks a redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and ma jaw gets sore, I use my
handsome."

Kinda brings a tear to yur eye, don't it?

Three Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...
She bought an air conditioner. "
and Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid,
she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both
yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the
other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

CNN interview

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"


"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

"BAIL'EM OUT!!! ????

Hell...........back in 1990, the Government seized the legal Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?!"
"What the Hell are we thinking??"

Saskatchewan farmer

A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January,
are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. They are dressed in
heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc.. An older couple standing nearby is
intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're
from."

He replies: "How would I know?"

She counters: "You could go and ask them."

He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse
me. Looking at your dress, I wondered where you're from.."

The farmer replies: " Saskatoon , Saskatchewan ".

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"

She replies: "I don't know. They don't speak English"

Mother in law & Daughter in law N.V.

A group of young women decided to arrange for

a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully
get to know and understand each other better..
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law
and the other for the daughters-in- law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law
was involved in an accident and all the passengers
died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a
few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who
wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking
but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize
u were so close to your mother-in-law? "
to which she replied,
"
"
"
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied,

"He just found a bomb!"

--------------------------------

Hutterites are like that

Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Swift Current and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher,
says to John, the Farm Boss, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies
in dat cage up der,' says John.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob
and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob
shakes his head and says: 'Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me.'

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!

PART TWO:


Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hey, Jacob, vatch dis,' Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as
halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, 'Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.'



BUT WAIT!!!!.....

PART THREE:

Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the bridge and disappears down and down until he too hits bottom.


Jacob shakes his head in sadness. 'First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... und now we've lost Abe hengliding.

Gotta Love Old People

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

Doing Her Hair

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house.”


**

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour-enjoy

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good,
son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep
shit.'

The following is the proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you Male, or female?


To find out the answer, Look down....


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Look down, not scroll down dumb ass!

One word of two

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

There goes the diet!!!

Pregnant at 68

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant..

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:.........."Does she still have the hiccups?"

Old Nun

An old nun who was living in a convent next
to a construction site noticed the coarse language
of the workers and decided to spend some time
with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch,
sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag
and walked over to the spot where
the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and
with a big smile said:
"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

'why'?

The worker yelled back,
"Cuz, his wife's here with his lunch"

RANDY ROONEY ON SEX ~ AND HE'S RIGHT ON ~

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '

Letter to Jessi James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a dispicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.


~Tiger Woods

Chippendale Dancers from around the world

Chippendale from Africa



Chippendale from India



Chippendale from Egypt



Chippendale from Tibet



Chippendale from Russia



Chippendale from Greese

Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,

How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?

The salesperson answers, which one do you mean, Sir?


We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for
$19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks: It's what?

Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of
Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's balls!"

Today's word is..... Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line..

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too

Wife: “How many women have you slept with George?”

Husband: “Only you, darling…..with all the others I was awake!”

Hospital visiting hours: 10:00 – 16:00

How Fights Start.......

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

================


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
================


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started..

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================


I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started

================

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Economic Stimulus Payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It's money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Chile, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day!


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

IRISH BLONDE

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid..
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men are men.

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could
tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small
can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's
the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

3 Women

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Nice to be Retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had Quebec plates. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Catholic Moose

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak. But, all of Jack's neighbours were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."
Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanting "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.

the mountie and the juggler

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver

answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way toBrandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.



While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."

Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high-pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off?’


'Not really. You'd be amazed how powerful you get when you bite your own nuts.’