Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

DUSTY UNDERWEAR

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?," he said to himself as a little blue "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Bonnie," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back:
"It's not talcum powder.
It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Blond jokes some new some old

LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
T he Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

The Final Exam

At the University College Cape Breton , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to U,C,CB until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points.

Cool,they thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?________________

How To make A Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2.a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

THE HORTH WITHPERER.....

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit."

Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man,

what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes

the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He
said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and

kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Can cold water clean dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Making OUT

Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good." His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote.

Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's Such A .....

And now the rest of the story

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

Ole and Lena

Ole's wife, Lena, had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You just had a son!" Ain't dat grand!"

Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too".

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you just had another boy!"

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

When Ole and Lena went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Lena, you remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Ole said, "Uffda!, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-40!

I'm afraid he's a goner

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her .

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 70 off came the pants.

At 75 it was her bra, and At 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes."You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Canadians in Hell

Two guys from Prince George die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere.

He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Prince George so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like madmen!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Prince Georgians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean the Canucks have won the Stanley Cup!!!"

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Fixing Bill

Bill and Tom are two bikers working at the local bike shop.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big scissor jack.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising."

Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the bike shop. A couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on the same big scissor jack. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital once more. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, "He's out in the rehab again exercising."

And sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. The next day Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to the hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead!!"
Tom is shocked, but not surprised.

"I suppose the jack finally did him in?"

"No," says the nurse, "Some stupid bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!"

Sobriety Test

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

God Sent You

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,

"How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200

years? No wonder everyone’s so damn grouchy around here."

Going Places you Shouldn't

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . .

Smack Him again!"

Questions little girls ask

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

scroll down






"Because you got an F in sex."

Bubba and his attorney. . .

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Women and Emotions

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

Business trip or pleasure

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight toward his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up
a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs
of America Convention in ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at the convention?

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that
I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some to the popular
myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular
myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with
the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even
know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Old age and Love

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time
they they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,

Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

No further studies are planned

An Interesting But Not Too Surprising Study...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth
while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned.

New Friends

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who
was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
>with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

The Food Chain

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter,do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Happy Easter!!

Wisdoms of Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Easter and the 3 Blonds

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said 'Easter is a holiday where
they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.' St. Peter said,
'Noooooo,' and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said 'Easter is when we celebrate
Jesus' birth and exchange gifts.' St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her
to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and
St. Peter said, 'So, tell me.'
She said, 'Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested
Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... '
St. Peter said, 'Verrrrrry good.'

Then the blonde continued, 'Now, every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks
of hockey.'
St. Peter fainted.

Go Canucks Go!!!

Fluctuations in the dollar

When I got back from vacation last month
I had a bunch of U.S. dollars I needed to exchange,
so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars... he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla
for yen.
Today I get huna eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy said, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Road Rage

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid,"
I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so

Don't Laugh

Don't laugh!' said the patient, Ron.
'Of course I won't laugh,' the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Ron said, & proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whooha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been
bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet & regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor & a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Ron replied...

Polish Sausage

A guy goes to the store and asks the clerk "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

The Inheritance

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman with whom to enjoy it.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 150 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.

Gorilla in Heat

A small zoo in Cape Breton had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in Heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Larry, a redneck
part-time worker, from Sydney responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Larry, like most rednecks, hillbillies and desert rats, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Larry was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Larry showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions

1. "First", Larry said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Larry said, "I want the chil'run raised Catholic."
Once again, the Keeper agreed.

4. "And last of all, Larry stated, "You gotta give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."

lil ol Lady

Defense attorney:
How old are you?

Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady :
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt
that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard.

Two Ass Holes

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll 'im over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "no, 'tain't Bubba." The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What?" exclaimed the mortician. "He had two assholes?"

"Yup, ever'one in town knew he had two assholes.

Ever' time we went to town, folks would all say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

Drug Problems

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's Garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine,crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

Author Unknown

Single Woman

woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- half-gallon of 2% milk,
- carton of eggs,
- quart of orange juice,
- head of romaine lettuce,
- 2 lb. can of coffee,
- 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".

Watch your Bumper Sticker

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally......I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless!

Sister Mary

Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Matadore oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mom, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
" He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy
" At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.
"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

NO Bike

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His Father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the
mortgage on
this house is$580,000 and, unfortunately, your mother just lost her
job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last
night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell
you to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a $580,000
mortgage and no bike!"

Always a hole behind

A man,while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became
confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady Playing ahead of him.He walked up to
her,explained his confusion and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She
replied,I'm on the 7th hole,and you are a hole behind me,so you must be on
the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went to his golf.On the back nine the same thing
happened;and he approached her again with the same request;
She said, I'm on the 14th hole ,you are a hole behind me,so you must be on
the 13th hole;
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.He finished his round and
went to the clubhouse where saw the same lady sitting at the end of the
bar.He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said; Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your
help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in sales, also. What do you sell? She replled, If I tell you;ll
laugh.''
No I wont. ''Well. if you must know,she answered.I work for tampax.''
With that ,he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said See, I knew you would laugh.''
Thats not what I'm laughing at.''he replied.''I'm a salesman for
Preparation H,so I'm still a hole behind you.''

Christmas Dinner and

A woman went to her boyfriend's parents house for Christmas Dinner.

This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman began to feel a little discomfort.
Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains were almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,

"Skippy!"

The woman thought, this is great, and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer "rrriiippp"

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"Skippy

Next

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course, what may I do for
you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm
afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
Customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official
asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my
head
down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
Have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said,

"Go ahead, Father.

Next!"

St Patrick's Day

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all
day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's
Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking
anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He
falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls
himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his
face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll
be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the
door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his
face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls
to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens
the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'
way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
"I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his
face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But
how'd you know?"
Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the
pub."

The Man and The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

I HATE MY JOB

I Hate My Job,
When you have an "I hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.

Chinese wedding night!

Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she gets naked under the
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next
to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and
you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting, juss anyting you want.. Whatchou want?" he
says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgn bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to
try someting I have heard about .. numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want...chicken wiff broccori?"

TWO SISTERS

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bough t a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The w ord's big. She'll read it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull".

The Cat

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be e m pty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...

Reverse It

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work .

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Points to Ponder

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's backside."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Oil Shortage in Canada

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have

an oil shortage here in Canada
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low .
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alberta
~~~
Newfoundland
~~~
Saskatchewan
and
B.C.
~~~
.
.
.
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in

OTTAWA , ONTARIO

Wishfull thinking

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Hockey In Alberta.....

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Red Deer, Alberta, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his book.

"But I'm not a Flames Fan" the little hero replies.
"Sorry, but as we are in Alberta, I just assumed you were" says the reporter and he starts writing again.
"Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not an Oilers fan either" the little boy says
"Oh, I assumed that everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I am a Maple Leafs fan" the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard from Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet"

When a little pepper tequila goes a long way.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a
few thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you
have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at
once
...
and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and
then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks,
"Where ez zat tequila?"

He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he
staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
yelping and then... silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his
body.

"Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

The Whore and the Tax Accountant

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl"

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"OK, Chicken Farmer it is!"

Microsoft and GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.



__

150%

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

Little Johnny

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in the Catholic School .Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend, sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt."Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted..........

The Rookie and the Biker

• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Turbo RX-7

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him 500,000 EURO. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
• The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 EURO.
• "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
• "Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
• The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
• "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
• The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Vancouver, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Calgary, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Regina, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Montreal, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

be Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran

back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.

I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?'

I guess I just panicked................"

WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."

A Sask. Cowboy

A Sask. cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.

The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist -- and
since she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store -- there were
no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
-- and whatever it was that he needed to discuss -- he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length -- and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a
month -- plus living expenses."

The Senior and the Ferrari

A very senior citizen won the lottery, and immediately went
and bought the fastest open-top Ferrari money could buy. He drove his brand
new speedster straight from the showroom to the nearby
motorway, where he at once took it up to 120 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the fast lane,
headlights blazing, enjoying watching Fords and Vauxhalls, not to mention Merc's
and Jaguars melt out of his path. Looking in his rear view
mirror, he laughed to see a police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the
elderly boy-racer as he gleefully pushed his racer to 130 mph, then 150, then 160.
But the cars ahead weren't able to get put of his way
fast enough, so he thought, "What on earth am I doing? At my age I'm gonna die
soon enough - no need to hasten the process!" So he pulled
over to the hard shoulder and waited for the police car to
catch up.

It soon pulled in behind him. The officer walked up to
the driver's side of the Ferrari, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, I can
see you are old enough to be my grandfather, my shift ends in
10 minutes, I've got a week's leave starting tomorrow and
don't want any last-minute paperwork to delay me, so if you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."

The old guy looked very seriously at the policeman, and
replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid you
might be bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

Herman James

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Georgia mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

New Friend

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" . But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?". But again, there was no
answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: ...................................










wait for it...its worth it!!!!










"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f****ng shoes on."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well,
damn, someone should
go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you
beer?

Well, not exactly, KC says. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You
must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a
widow.".... then I said, "I'll bet
you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

The Lawyer and the Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this;
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I
get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.


The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old
fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Whispering Child

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is there anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Vaseline Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....

Bugs

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's wiener off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the wiener smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It ... it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said

"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Sausage factory fire

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started
inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was
engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for
miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the cente r of the
plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department
that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more
fire departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that
could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ
volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters
over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant,
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other
firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were
fighting to save their own lives Within a short time, the Lodi old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film.
The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you
going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the70-year-old fire
chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on
dat fockinna truck!!"