anal glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'So, what's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'And what the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I just can't see my ass coming into work today.'

I Know My Rights

Dog for Sale!

Even if you don't own a dog at present,
you'll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.

Read her sales pitch below...


Dog For Sale

Free to good home.

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more thieves, murderers,
or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:

Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
' Priest:
'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man:
'What sins?'
Priest:
'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man:
'I'm Jewish.'
Priest:
'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man:
'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you
need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with
the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel
better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring
you down, and that's when you realize…

you’ve been listening to your iPod.

Sex Problems

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Beer Diet

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?

It's for Peckerheads.

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'

Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him,

'What the f*&k do you want?'

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
'Ahhhhh, Air Canada. '

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls,
being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

A winter statistic

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A
SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER
AND WATCH THIS."

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Confessions of a Former Walmart Greeter

Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first shift on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store, through the "out" doors, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. 'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Questions and Answers from a CARP Forum (Canadian Association of Retired Persons)

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in
the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and
all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a
problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Body Found

Today, police found an
unidentified man's body in a
park nearby. They describe
him as having a Beer Belly,
Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and
a Small Dick.

I was just checking to make
sure that you are okay.

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm
black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can
remember about that fucking party, you're lucky you don't
bark!

Nut Shot

Free Condom

A Redneck and his Dog;

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The redneck said it was his.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!' (You gotta love this)

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

The Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well....my job is done. Your turn.

Cops and Cattle

RCMP and Rancher

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Alberta, and talks with
an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect
your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have
the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching
into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge
means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself
clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and
sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close
behind by the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is
gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly
terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of his lungs................
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

worth another read

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER WE THINK THEY'RE NUTS!

Urologist exam

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist
as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on
your
left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and
say,99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor says, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with
your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep
it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three'.

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air,and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The
woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget.'

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day.He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the
sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger
slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

A SMART WOMAN

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or
4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick readily agreed.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,

Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick the dragon slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to the King & Queen's chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick could have cared less about paying Horatio, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick........................................

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

Service

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.


BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

AMAZING HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE
A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Women are Smarter then Men

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Free advice fir iver 50's

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Grandpa

deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother 'don't eat it, it's an asshole!!'

VANCOUVER ISLAND__ DECLARES CIVIL EMERGENCY_

For all you non-Islanders, we have had 70cm of snow in the past week. The snow is not an issue for most of us, but if fell on the golf courses too which is a very serious problem. The following is a blow-by-blow report of the current extreme weather conditions on Vancouver Island (BC)

_ 6:22_ AM - Temperature plunges to -8.3C. Word spreads that a Comox resident finds ice on the windshield of his Beamer. Curious neighbours gather to watch him scrape if off with his Gold Master Card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of the mysterious "defrost" switch on the dashboard of the car can aid in the process.

_ 9:30 AM_ - Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, cricket bats, mashies and nibliks, umbrellas, cookie sheets and boogie boards.

_10:00 AM_ - Golfers at Qualicum's Memorial Golf Club, have broken into the ladies locker room where the ladies' bridge club store their card tables, and are now strapping the card tables to the front of their golf cards in order to clear the fairways and greens. The Pro has sanctioned the use of orange balls.

_ Noon_ - Elementary schools call in grief counselors. Grief counselors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires (tyres)

_ 2:30PM_ Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of female driven SUV four-wheel drive vehicles abandoned by side of road, still in 2 wheel drive mode. When questioned, one female SUV owner asked "what's four wheel drive?"

_2:50 PM_ Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel between Island and the ROTW (rest of the world). Victoria newspaper Times-Colonist headline reads "Mainland cut of from Civilization"

_ 3:00 PM_ Nanaimo-Parksville Conservative Member of Parliament, James Lunney phones Prime Minister Harper asking for financial assistance. PM replies "foreign aid budget all allocated for 2008"

_3:10 PM_ Same MP phones Peter Mackay Minister of Defence asking for assistance from Canada's DART rapid-response military team. Minister replies they will be on the ground in Parksville as early as July 2009, or sooner if they can rent a suitable aircraft from Brazil.

_ 3:30 PM_ BC Lottery Corp. responds to emergency by installing slot machines in Nanaimo homeless shelter _ 4:15 PM_ Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting at grocery stores in Victoria, except for Oak Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them _ 5:40 PM_ TV weatherman Ed Bain in Victoria, shaking uncontrollably tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plunges to Winnipeg-in-August temperatures. Martial law is declared and Premier Campbell has called an emergency meeting of his cabinet on the main deck of HMCS Protecteur where an emergency command centre will be established as soon as they dock in Honolulu.

_6:00PM_ The sidewalks are rolled up and you retreat to your parlours with your mulled wine.

Question - Answer

Question - When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan what does that Government give you?

Answer - A map of Canada

9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm agraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way wo the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do,' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. 'I
have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything!'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) You know
you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day! ;-)

Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

???

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN......

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah
Winfrey.

Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it...

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it
with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't
believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up
in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman
she stole my wallet!"

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
five�
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS...

Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!

Smart Add Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 --

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.



Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
___________________________________________________________


SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

____________________________________________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
___________________________________

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR --

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and is snickering.



When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

____________________________________________________________________
Two bonus extras:



A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
___________________________________________________________

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....

New Wepons in Irac

I can give you at least one
reason why it is important to
learn English when you live in Canada.....

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.

THe Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree..

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

The 7 Dwarfs

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a ; ; ; moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

HONEY MOON SURPRISE...

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...







Smallcox?"

only in the south

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the JFK airport.

The first lady was an arrogant New York woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the New York woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh Good Lord! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?'"

of a hunting we go

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go
hunting, so he approached his assistant 'Garge, I am going
hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want
you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my
patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answered Garge.

The doctor went hunting and returned the following day and
asked: 'So, Garge, How was your day?'

Garge told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo Mate, and the second one?' asked the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir.'

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third
one?' asked The doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here when suddenly the door opens and a
woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking
off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down
on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For
five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus, Garge, what did you do?' asked
the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Merry CHRISTMAS.

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Another of Einstein's Theories...

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as...



Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this shit....
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

A Cristmas to rember

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,.... No
one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and
proclaims, . 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help and he said , ...... 'Screw the Preacher!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Birthday Reminder

This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the
Whte House on her hands and knees, and putting everything
in her mouth.


They grow up so fast, don't they?

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Seniors - don't mess with them.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his m outh when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Another good one for the golfers!!

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

And that's how the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started...

And that's how the fight started......

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started......

And that's how the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.....

Five rules for men. (Remember them well)

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

A small boy wrote to Santa :

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:
'Send me your mother...'

Funny as all get out

Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions..

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Lord, They're Finally Together

She married and had 13 children.Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again,her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finallydied after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they 're finally together.'One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?' The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

Market Reaserch

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

#10 -- "Scattered F___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

# 9 - "How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagoras, 126 BC

# 8 - "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1568

# 7 - "Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

# 6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

# 5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhardt, 1937

# 4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938

# 3 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

# 2 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head!" - JFK, 1963

# 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997

Thank you "Biker Hen" for this joke

Joe and Mike

Two buddies, Joe and Mike, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Mike throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!' Joe says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.' So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Mike rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!' Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Mike says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thisss other guy got sssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!' Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.' 'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'